She`s not there anymore - Printable Version
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She`s not there anymore - julieTG - 04-12-2013
She`s not there anymore,
She has gone, not a girly thought or desire in sight ?
The switch was almost overnight apart from the odd flick last 2 weeks,
I am sitting here now,
Testosterone fuelled grump, angry, tense , wired, arse kicking mode, powerful strong,
Pumped, road rage back, protecitive, paraonoid, anxious, tense, worrying, lead in my heart, but still
“ok happy”
Gone has the
Happiness, relaxed state, carefree, state of mind,
All girl desires to ZERO in fact past ZERO, there is a state of revulsion, huge purge, do not want to feel, look, see anything Girly,
Look down on my chest, do not want them,
I have gone to 100% male, not tilted up the spectrum I have gone arse end male,
Why, I have simply no idea, perhaps the herbs balanced, fed the brain cells that needed feeding, , what ever, and something else kicked in ?
The quote it seems ironic that transgender people have to take female hormones to allow themselves to carry on living male, ie stop the relentless drive, seems nothing truer today, but my drive has not just depleted its vanished, not buried, but vanished.
I am looking for it questioning, ok don’t mind if your just hiding, there is no delusion, she is gone, she may be back of course, what shall we say 1-2 years ?
Will she come storming back harder than before ?
Now I face euphoria and lows, ie in normal mode, stinging eyes with testosterone fuelled rage , have everything I wish for in life but with a lead heart, happy but a lead weight heart,
I can truly say that I have examined myself and asked honestly, openly to myself do I want to be a woman, today , yuck absolutely not , the thought repulses me,
However it proves one thing to me and that is the power of herbs and pharma to stabilize, or to bring down the visceral desires so thoughts can be processed, what is worrying is why this concept is not well known and put into practice by the established sciences.
I concur that I may be extreme and have 2 twin sides, but there are thousands of others out there who are a little more middle ground and who need, help , information, guidance, hope, and most important of all a set guidance,
Why do we have to suffer and be labeled a TS or a cross dresser when most of us are not.
There must be many people who have succumbed to the urges , gone on fast train pharma and been launched into the TG world openly , how many after ,thought yikes this is not me,
How many have de-transitioned ?
How many families blown apart when all Daddy needed was a settling balancing herb ,
Its FKING frightening
The work of these sites are important,
Yes I blame the internet for many times fuelling the passion, lighting the fires perhaps, but if the estrogen receptors are switched on and screaming, there on, there there and wailing, so something has to be done.
Without the input of these sites for both supply of product and information, how many would now be on fast track paharma, it’s a sobering and quite frankly terrifying thought.
Still I will go quiet now and determine my course and I may just take some herbs to “hopefully” keep the balance or I may abstain and watch out for the girly signals to return, she will, and she usually returns when
Winter starts or under severe stress loads and T level is ramped to fight or full motivation level,
In a way I hate her, In a way I treasure her, and yes the there are tears dripping on the keyboard, and where those came from I don’t know.
I will also research now anti-drepressants as there was a site with a strong reference to these as a first course measure for some like us, it rang true to me, and it’s a thought train I have suspected for some years could relate to me.
There is another on the Bi-gender site who started on anti-depressants and all urges have stopped,
Anyway I will be about but in muted form as will be attempting not to read or look at any material that could cause her to return, I don’t want her back she is a pain,
Thank you all for your comments, your insights, laughs, tribulations, intelligence, fight, and most of all compassion,
Julie
RE: She`s not there anymore - Karren - 04-12-2013
When that happens to me I know exactly why... I forgot to take my brain tumor medication for a few days... its totally a body chemistry things.... and I can replicate it...
RE: She`s not there anymore - myboobs - 04-12-2013
sorry to hear your predicament.
wish you best for what is best for you.
be happy is the motto.
but keep in touch dont leave us completely.
RE: She`s not there anymore - julieTG - 04-12-2013
When that happens to me I know exactly why... I forgot to take my brain tumor medication for a few days... its totally a body chemistry things.... and I can replicate it...
were just a bag of squishy hormones
x
J
RE: She`s not there anymore - flamesabers - 04-12-2013
(04-12-2013, 01:25 PM)mymoobs Wrote: sorry to hear your predicament.
wish you best for what is best for you.
be happy is the motto.
but keep in touch dont leave us completely.
I second this.
RE: She`s not there anymore - Wuerstchen - 04-12-2013
I saw this coming from your post a couple of days ago. To quote Goethe's Faust, "Zwei Seelen wohnen, ach! in meiner Brust,
Die eine will sich von der andern trennen. . ." Translation: "Two souls dwell, oh! in my breast. The one wants to separate from the other."
I feel truly blessed that I have my breasts from Gynecomastia. There's no program involved, no decisions to make. But I fully sympathize with guys who want to grow them.
Good luck, and keep us updated on your odyssey.
RE: She`s not there anymore - Jessica Leigh - 04-12-2013
(04-12-2013, 01:23 PM)karren Wrote: When that happens to me I know exactly why... I forgot to take my brain tumor medication for a few days... its totally a body chemistry things.... and I can replicate it...
Karen,
So sorry.
RE: She`s not there anymore - Jessica Leigh - 04-12-2013
JulieTG,
I hear you. The girly feelings came back to me about a month ago. Winter and the stress of the holidays is what i chalk it up to. Just around Halloween or so is when It started and It's what brought me back to this site.
The ebb and flow of these feelings, the lack of balance can be maddening. When I drop my oldest off at school and look at the other fathers I think why can't I be more like them. And I look at the mothers and I think I wish I was more like them.
But today the girly feeling are less then yesterday (even though I painted my toes eggplant frost and I'm wearing a cami under a button-down) and tomorrow they may be gone completely.
Best to you,
Golus1 aka Jessica
RE: She`s not there anymore - Elisaustin - 04-12-2013
Good luck Julie.
I wish you all the best.
RE: She`s not there anymore - AnnieBL - 04-12-2013
JulieTG
I find your rate of posting almost bewildering, but I thought I'd just take the opportunity to throw out a thought which you are more than welcome shoot down.
In your male mode, you have I think claimed 'alpha male" characteristics, and I am getting the impression that this is common in you and others who seem to flip-flop between very male and very female modes. Anecdotally, some alpha males are supposed to be prime customers of dominatrices (no, no, I'm not trying to suggest that you may be!), but the reason suggested is that they need to relieve their male dominance by phases of extreme submissiveness. Is it possible that some alpha males with a degree of gender variance have an analogous need for episodes of extreme girlyness, which can be triggered by who knows what and can wear off just as fast as they arrive?
Alternatively, is there such as thing as being gender bipolar (although I suppose that could also be translated as being 'bi-gender' which it seems to me you may have already suggested)?