Gender Dysphoria - Printable Version

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RE: Gender Dysphoria - Missed Miss - 27-01-2014

(27-01-2014, 03:16 AM)Samantha Rogers Wrote:  I have to say, it breaks my heart...really...it just fucking kills me to hear these stories. I want to hug you all. I don,t suppose it would help much but it would be genuine. And hugs never hurt... shit, I'm crying again... fuck it.
Hugs to you all... I'm a wreck now.

Thank you VERY, VERY much for the psychic hugs!!!! Don't EVER be afraid to hug someone!! Besides, it gives you a chance to feel what it's like to have tits!! ;-)

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RE: Gender Dysphoria - Lisa Lou - 27-01-2014

My Dear Samantha,
I am an actor also, as are 95% of those on this forum. No, we don't get paid for it, but it is a necessity in order to keep our jobs, families, friends, and social status. We are all members of the Gender Dysphoric Guild of Posers! We pose being something we're not. You are just the leading lady of the Guild.

And as for secrets... Oh My God... That goes hand in hand with the acting! I care say any TG person who does not have secrets from those in their "other life" are either in denial, hallucinating or both!

For those of you who would judge Our sister, be careful, queens who liv in glass houses shouldn't throw stones! And remember, karma is a BITCH!

Clearly, Sammie, you are adored!

A Great Big Full Frontal Hug
Lisa

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RE: Gender Dysphoria - Samantha Rogers - 27-01-2014

Aw, shoot Lisa... I had it all together (I thought!!!) and now I am gonna cry again... Shit, girl, I am at work! Seriously, you are a doll and I love you. Thanks.
Maybe there is something to all that about "us" developing monthly cycles...? Lol
And, yeah, Lisa, I know you must know a lot about keeping secrets. I can only imagine...no, make that..I cannot even imagine ..what all those years in the military must have been like. Gawd! How in the hell did you do that, girl? At least I was surrounded by actors. Not hard to seem the masculine one in that room, let me tell you! But, jeez, the military? You have a whole world of respect from me, sister.
How many of us are there? How many, walking around every day, "passing" as something we are not, and miserable...simply because the world is so full of judgement, hatred, ignorance and intolerance.
Good.. this makes me mad... maybe I will stop crying for awhile if I get mad...

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RE: Gender Dysphoria - Jessica Leigh - 27-01-2014

Sammy,

That was beautiful. The wonderful thing about this site is it does allow us to confess our other self to someone.

This time of year I help many people with their New Year Resolutions and one of the first topics that comes up is diet. Now, I'm not a dietitian or nutritionalist but I do offer some sound advice within the scope of my practice. We all have a pretty good understanding of what is good to eat verse what's bad. And everyday, every moment we face choices - should I eat this or not, do I go out to eat or go to the gym. Each moment takes us on a path either towards our goal or away from it. Deciding to take PM or not. Telling your life partner or not. And each decision will have its own set of consequences.

I hope that sharing our experiences, joy, triumph, as well as pain will help others that read these passages. I could have been like Flame if the internet was around like today. I read Sarah and think I could and would have gone down her path if not for meeting my wife. I worked at a health club owned by a lesbian couple in a very progressive part of the country. The support would have been there.

But takinig a different path, I read Doodle and see a contempory facing similar issues as I do today. Your situation could be my future when my kids are older. CK and Patti give me hope if my wife chooses to follow the path I really wish I had the courage to follow earlier.

You are correct in that we are all actors. Big hugs to you.

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RE: Gender Dysphoria - Scotti - 28-01-2014

Do I suffer from gender dysphoria? At this point I'd have to say yes.

How do I know? Let's just call it a self diagnosis

When did you discover that your dysphoria was gender related? Up until recent exploration and research I did not put two and two together. Numerous issues throughout my life could probably be contributed to this, and it seems the signs were always there. Perhaps only a psych can tell me more.

Have you been able to alleviate the symptoms? To some degree, but I've only just begun...now for the details.

Like a lot of people, I'm a product of a broken home. I was the middle child of three boys, and growing up my father always favored my older brother. Quite often my younger brother and I were left with our mother, as my father wanted nothing to do with us. As I grew up, I wasn't into sports, though I did participate in non-organized athletics in the neighborhood. What I did do though was a lot of what many would call "feminine" things for entertainment. I sewed clothes & stuffed animals, I learned latch hook, crochet, knitting and needle point. I was always first to help my mother with housework and never did dislike it (unlike my brothers). I also played make believe a lot with my stuffed animals, which I felt was normal though many perceive it as a feminine activity.

That being said, I remember a time around age 8 or 9 when my younger brother, step brother and I were playing a game that involved our privates. Nothing sexual happened, just one of those weird moments when I reflect upon that makes me go hmmmmm. Around age 13 I found my older brother's stash of porn while also becoming hooked on listening to the Dr Ruth show. It was during this time that I started masturbating and also vividly recall trying to give myself oral. However, much to my dismay I never was successful. It was during the same time frame where I started exploring my mother's and step sisters top dresser drawers. Nylons felt particularly nice, but what really felt good was the silky smooth satin panties. Some of this excited me sexually, while some of it made me feel more comfortable.

Fast forward a couple years. My dad won custody of my younger brother and I, and we were forced to live in a household that we did not want to and felt unwelcome. Running away solved nothing, and every time the courts ordered us to live with him, finally stating if we didn't stay he'd lock us away. So we stayed. Even though I was in the 10th grade, I was still going through puberty. I had no under arm hair, barely any pubic hair and my voice was just starting to change. I didn't have much real interest in girls sexually, and still enjoyed playing imaginative games with toys (GI Joe and Star Wars to be specific), often times with younger kids as they were the only ones playing with them. My neighbor once told me his dad even thought I was gay. I continued my fiendish masturbation, and even a few times tasted my sperm to "find out" what it was like. My fascination with panties also continued, as my neighbor had a sister my age and my older step sister moved back in after having a child in college. I had one serious girl friend my senior year, but never actually had sex with her, just a lot of mutual masturbation and hickeys.

I joined the military right out of high school and hated it so bad I wanted to desert, fake a suicide, or even claim to be gay just to get out. But that never happened. During this time my porn addiction flourished, as I could now legally buy it as well as obtain movies to watch. I also became hooked on reading porn, sometimes just buying a Penthouse Forum so that I could visualize the action rather than just look at pics. I also purchased a vibrator and "took" my own virginity while wearing some lingerie I acquired from my cousin's girlfriend (unbeknownst to her of course). I turned to alcohol heavily, which ironically led me to meet the woman that would take my virginity at 19 and also whom I would marry the following year.

However, our marriage hasn't exactly been perfect. In our 20+ years we've been to extensive counseling twice. To be quite honest, I was a miserable drunk (though never abusive), even turning to drugs for a time, all of which I did because something was missing in our relationship. My wife knew about my panty fetish from the start, which even led us to perform some role reversal in the bedroom on occasion. It was during moments like this that part of me knew that this was what was missing. With the advent of the internet I found many sites that dealt with forced feminization and gender swapping. Reading these stories fueled my desire to be more feminine, and this is when I started cross dressing and acting out fantasies solo and with my wife. I even was partially busted when I answered the front door when a buddy came over and asked if I was wearing eyeliner! Apparently I didn't get all of the makeup off from my dress up session earlier!

But alas life changes came about, and while we still played our bedroom games, nothing progressed in regards to my internal wants. I had a family to support, so my desires had to stay hidden. I did however still enjoy wearing my panties as much as possible. Then about six months ago something changed, and my desires resurfaced with a vengeance. Along with this I decided I needed to cure my porn addiction. So as of a month ago my wife has the keys and controls that aspect while I have taken the liberty to start expressing myself in a more feminine way.

And like a few others, I discovered this site and now well I guess I'll just see how far down this road I go!

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RE: Gender Dysphoria - SarahSchilling - 28-01-2014

LOL, I used to play make-believe with my stuffed animals all the time! I didn't know it was considered feminine though. Oh well.

Interesting read Scotti.

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RE: Gender Dysphoria - GoneGirl - 28-01-2014

Thanks, Scotti, your history of gender dysphoria runs along the same thread as many others. Reading your story reminded me of some of my own early childhood experiences, like learning how to knit and sew. I remember needing a new pair of mittens for winter but unable to afford them at the time, I found an old coat lining of fake fur and sewed my own. Also, the imaginary game playing with my younger sister. She was quite the tomboy, actually, so we bounced back and forth between typical girls and then boys play; cowboys and indians one day, and playing house the next.

I'm rather new to this NBE road myself, as many of us are. No one seems to know where it leads. I figure the road takes as many twists, turns, and detours as there as members here. It does seem to me that if you keep at it, the inevitable outcome is transition to some degree. It depends on the proportion of male to female in one's gender identity. The problem for me is not knowing what the ratio is. I started out thinking it was 70/30, then I revised it to 60/40. I'm starting to think 50/50 now. Where will it stop??

I feel for you GD girls that are in the middle years of your life, though. That's the hardest time to want to take steps to resolve your gender issues. In some ways, I'm glad I was blissfully unaware of the whole cross gender, cross dreaming bugaboo when I was your age. I guess 'blissfully' isn't the right word to use. It was anything but.

You've come to the right place, Scotti. We are a family. If there ever was a group of souls who can understand and sympathize with your challenges, it's this diverse cadre of crossgendered, avatared, crazies that gather together here every day.

Clara Kay

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RE: Gender Dysphoria - Samantha Rogers - 28-01-2014

Is it just me, or do a whole whale of a lot of us seem to come from homes where there was a failed marriage, broken home, abusive parent or something along those lines? That's not being facetious.
I wonder how many secretly believe, deep inside, that we were the cause somehow? No way to know, short of deep therapy or hypnosis, but I wonder what gets buried really deep in the child's mind. As kids we can't see that it isn't our fault. As kids we just feel the pain. I gotta think we just want it to all be better, for the pain to go away. Of course it doesn't because we are kids and we don't control anything. But we internalize it, turn it back on ourselves when it is't our fault, turn it into guilt, and then bury it where there is no easy way to see it much less fix it (without help). It would just sit there, like a virus, running silently in the background of a computer, but getting more and more twisted with time, humming along in some ugly little back corner of the mind, and causing God knows how much unconcious anguish while affecting our choices and decisions in ways we may never know. Opening otherwise inexplicable needs...
Not saying that is always what it is, but I wonder how often something like that is at work. I wonder...
Kids are not to blame. They are just kids.
Thats why I really, really like hugs.
That little kid is always, always still in there somewhere, and alone and frightened and not knowing what the fuck is going on. No matter how old we get.
But that kid understands a hug. A hug is good.
Hugs, Scotty, hugs, kid!

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RE: Gender Dysphoria - Lisa Lou - 28-01-2014

Do you suffer from gender dysphoria?
No, I do not consider myself gender dysphoric. That would suggest that I am unhappy (at best) or feel revulsion (at worst) with my biological gender. Rather, I feel that I am bigender, which suggests that I share both female and male genders within the same body, and that I am comfortable in the personas of both male (Lou) and female (Lisa). My biological gender is male, and I am fully comfortable in his skin, I enjoy his sexuality, his crass sense of humor, his desire to be dominant, his sense of duty and loyalty, his Type A 'get er done' work ethic, and his willingness to take a bullet for his family, his friends, and to protect the nation that allows his freedom to be who he is. My second gender is female, and I am fully comfortable with her sexuality (minus the vagina), her traits of compassion and caring, care giving, listening, being emotional over a Hallmark commercial , crying with a friend, her vanity over her appearance, and her submissive nature, as well as her desire to pampered and to pamper herself and others with mani-pedis, bubble baths and massages. Oh god, to have a partner where we could paint each other's nails, do each others, hair and make-up, and then go drink a beer and watch football!
The problem is that there is an expectation that because of my biological gender, I will act a certain societally acceptable ALL of the time, that I will limit my displays of emotion, that my sexuality will be domineering, that I will resist submission instead of gladly give in to it, that I will not enjoy the feel of silk or satin against my skin, that I am satisfied with having a penis only, and not desire to have the physical characteristics of my alternate gender.

How do you know?
Unlike so many my first awareness was not exploring a lingerie drawer, but rather when I was 4 or 5, having a sympatico with the girls in my neighborhood as much as the boys. I remember exploring bodies with Frances one summer morning in her backyard playhouse, and discovering that she did not have "tallywacker," but rather a dark and mysterious void between her legs. I wanted one, too! Later, as a teenager, it was thinking how unfair it was that what I thought were natural traits, both emotional and physical were considered 'feminine.' Being told that I stand like a girl, hell, I thought I stood like me! And on and on. Of course, I discovered how much I enjoyed wearing women's clothes as much, if not more, than men's. It did not have to be lingerie, but a blouse, or jeans or a skirt, or wearing lipstick, or using my sister's blow dryer on my hair. I knew I was different. It wasn't a split personality, both are present all of the time, but more of a blend. The hardest thing I have had to do in my life is to attempt to deny my feminine side, even though I have been very successful in doing so, it has been exhausting. In my chosen profession as a military officer, I walked a tightrope every waking moment, and some sleeping, depending on my boudoir attire . In an environment where macho was the only acceptable behavior, my compassionate and empathetic nature was often the subject of amusement by my comrades, and derision by my superiors. But with many, my more feminine traits were seen as an asset, I excelled as a leader, and was duly rewarded and promoted over 27 years. The other area of my life that has been just as difficult has been my romantic relationships with women. It seems the soft, tender, caring and compassionate side that attracted so many in the beginning was later seen as a weakness and "unmanly." Through too many relationships to count, and 5 marriages, I think I have finally gotten it... If I am ever to be happy in a relationship, it will have to be with a woman who has the same bigender propensity that I do, and we will complement and find balance with each other. I am currently in a relationship with a woman who possesses some male personality traits, and we have our own version of lesbian sex (unnamed) that we enjoy. One of the most satisfying encounters I have ever had was with a woman who had had M to F SRS. She still possessed certain male traits, but also female, and was one of the most beautiful and sexually attractive women I have ever been with, and we understood cherished each other's bigender personalities. But, alas, it did not work. That is why sexually I do consider myself a lesbian with a penis. Having breasts would fully provide me the epitome of bigender identity, not as a "lady boy," but as me, Lisa Lou, part woman, part man, all person.

When did you discover that your being bigender was gender related (that's kind of a contradiction I think!)? I realized it, when I became aware that it was not acceptable for me to be me, to show my feminine as well as my masculine personality traits, and to manifest them both in the way that a expressed myself, the way I dressed, walked, talked, LIVED.

Have you been able to alleviate the symptoms? NO! I would never want to, I love and accept me. I truly, just want someone who will love and accept me as part woman, part man.

So, that is essentially my gender identity, what made me the way that I am? I always told my dear mother her affinity for Johnny Walker Red when she was pregnant with me! But in reality who knows. All I know is, that looking back at my life, my journey, I am truly glad, and yes blessed to be who I am. To quote a line from the Jimmy Buffett song, He Went to Paris, "Some of it's magic and some of it's tragic, but I've had a good life all the way." And my friends, I look forward to waking tomorrow to a brand new, exciting day (hoping to feel the twinges of new breast growth).

Love y'all, Mean it!

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RE: Gender Dysphoria - GoneGirl - 28-01-2014

That's an interesting observation, Sammie. It does seem like it's a common aspect of the backgrounds of many here. My parents didn't split up, but they didn't have a happy marriage. I know it affected me a lot. I'm not saying it was the primary reason for my gender-variant condition, but it may have influenced it to some extent.

Don't you love the new insights we gain from just talking about this stuff?

Clara

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