Calmly's Diary - Printable Version
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Calmly's Diary - CalmlyAndrogynous - 18-09-2015
Lots of things have been happening lately around my journey so I thought I would start a thread about that both for me to keep and record and for others who might encounter similar joys and pitfalls.
Some context about me: I am a mid-50s genetic male with GD. After a year or two's counselling and a bit of experimentation with NBE, I am now going down the HRT route under medical supervision.
My current target is basically to be on the female side of androgynous. I am planning to stay in male mode for the next few years. I have a good job with nice people and I am not sure how they would cope or how I would cope with them not coping.
An Unexpected Reaction - CalmlyAndrogynous - 18-09-2015
For my my first post, I thought I would share a good news story (for me at least).
I had my annual performance thingy this week. While my plan is to stay in male mode for the next year or so at work, I thought I should tell my boss what was going on in case something came up.
I started with the counselling and gender dysphoria and ended with I'm on HRT.
I did not expect the reaction I got which was effusive praise for my courage and offers of support should I need it.
To his enormous credit, he has treated me exactly the same way after telling him as before.
RE: Calmly's Diary - charrr - 19-09-2015
Well, that is a nice story. Thank you for sharing. We could use more good news in this world!
RE: Calmly's Diary - CalmlyAndrogynous - 19-09-2015
Thanks char
I think I am a bit lucky. No, I am a lot lucky. I am not that confident with all my co-workers though, so I am not going to generally announce anything yet.
It is interesting, I was temporarily working with another group of people who were predominantly women. I was more tempted to tell them than the current group I work with (predominantly male).
How do you tell a group of guys that you don't want to be one of them any more, you have never really felt like you were one of them and for you, being male sucks.
For the female group though, how many are going to think you are creepy and weird for wanting to transition?
RE: Calmly's Diary - CalmlyAndrogynous - 28-09-2015
It was an interesting week last week. I wore a sports bra to work on two days. I now understand what people have been saying about nipple chafing. It was not bad though and kind of nice in a way. Maybe once or twice a day I will get little breast spasms with an accompanying pleasant feeling. I assume that is an oxytocin release.
Still, the breast tenderness I felt when I started on HRT is lessening. Maybe the E2 receptors are getting used to the levels.
The worst thing though is I have been having bouts of depression. There is a degree of loneliness and of separation from those around me. My wife has pledged her support, but changes the topic whenever I talk about anything related.
I think the hormones may be making it feel worse than it is. Something to talk to the endo about when I see her again in a few weeks.
RE: Calmly's Diary - CalmlyAndrogynous - 02-10-2015
Coming through the depression. I still wonder who I am and what I am. I am not male. I am not female (as much as I would like to be). Carrying around this secret is becoming harder.
Sometimes I want to tell people, but I don't know how they will react and I am afraid of being shunned by friends and work colleagues.
My wife said something this week that deeply disturbed me. I asked her opinion on my growth and she said definitely much more boob-like, don't let the kids see (20+ years old each). They also know what's going on and are supportive. It knocked my confidence a bit. Does she think what I am doing is something to be ashamed of? (I don't btw. I am just me. )
My chest hair has stopped growing.
I used a standard depilatory cream 4 months ago and it grew back in a month or two. I used it again a month ago and it isn't growing back this time.
Blood test results next week and endo the week after. The endo appointment will mark 4 months on hrt.
As always, comments welcome. I know I am shy and don't post a lot in other people's threads, but I always welcome other's opinions, so please don't be shy with me.
Calmly
RE: Calmly's Diary - charrr - 04-10-2015
Hi Calmly.
You know, I had a whole big crisis of consciousness last week. What I would say is that I have almost stopped trying to figure out others. And I think that sometimes, people just say the exact wrong seeming things when we are most vulnerable. If we are all connected, maybe we can reason that this might happen because people responding in relation to what we are feeling- without even knowing it.
Last week when I was really hurting, my ultra squishy friend was just not up to saying something that I could handle. And I think she surprised herself. I actually ended up feeling bad that she felt so bad about acting sort of unsympathetic in my time of distress. Haha. What a silly circle of events we humans find ourselves in.
Along with spending less time trying to figure people out and spending more time being my, of course, (I am learning to think more positively, I am! I am! I am me and me is fabulous!) fabulous self, I have ended up feeling less insecure than I used to in some case and also less inclined to worry or offend myself into a tizzy.
I also try to remember that for all the nonsense I have swirling around in my head, I haven't been successful as my ego was pretending it could be at playing psychic friends. Others, like I, have their own boulders to role up a hill. And they may be trying to read us as we try to read them. I can say that my mind has expanded from reading this thread. I, for example, have been very inspired by the bio-males who talk about their transitions, with the support of their DWs. Well, I think that is sweet. I don't know how my mind would react to the same scenario, though.
I have even tried to address my commitment to NBE with people close to me and it didn't always go like what I had hoped. The mind is a strange thing. I also find that things I thought were fine in the past, are not so fine or vice versa. Ya know? Mental processing, for all that we know about it, is often unpredictable. But, I as far as what I have studied, holding a higher vibration of positivity seems to beneficially enhance most situations. Maybe, focusing more on that vibration or love and support that you have so far received and mentally allowing your heart to expand the range of that, will sort of open and smooth the psychic channels more in order that things work out more smoothly in your world, there. From all over as I study these things, the advice seems to be on expanding and allowing to expand what is already good. Even though your wife, yourself, or those others may be working out some things in their thoughts and feelings, I think that you have a good base of good and enrichment of that good! May you and yours be blessed for the best and highest good.
RE: Calmly's Diary - CalmlyAndrogynous - 12-10-2015
@Char
Thanks for you words of wisdom. Thinking positive when you are in the depths of despair is a hard thing to do, but now that I am coming through it, I hope I can bounce back faster.
Gender should not matter when it comes to love, but it does. For many though, it matters less once the bond is there I think.
I work with some average males and some above-average males. The above-average ones care for their partners and share the load. The average ones ... I really want to be as far from them as I can in terms of who I am.
Both my sisters switched teams so to speak and are happy in same sex relationships. I don't understand why it does not happen a lot more than it does.
RE: Calmly's Diary - CalmlyAndrogynous - 15-10-2015
I think I am pretty much through the massive black hole into which I had sunk thank goodness.
I know that if I get really badly fatigued then I am really vulnerable and I went through a patch where my sleep was getting interrupted a lot. That plus some domestic tension, financial tension, work tension, and so on.
A good night's sleep Monday night worked wonders. Tuesday, I went to see my endo and she was happy with how I am going. My E levels are a bit low, but my growth is ok, so she is going to leave it.
I did NBE before I went on to HRT so I already had some, but now I have a couple of golf balls of mammary tissue now in each breast.
Like JulieTG and others I am not always entirely sure about things. My male side comes through a bit and I think WTF am I doing. Still, a lot of the time, I have a calmness that I never had before. I am also able to stand up for myself better. Most of the time I know I am going in the right direction.
Another good thing happened last week too. I told my hairdresser and we are working out my transition hairstyle. She was really cool about it. She is the second person to have congratulated me on my decision.
RE: Calmly's Diary - charrr - 16-10-2015
Woop! Several good newses!