[Mandy88]

Mandy, this is not at all an unusual situation and while not exactly the same is somewhat similar to my own.

Hopefully my experience might give you some insight or perspective..

For a long time (about 6 years) I thought I was "just a crossdresser", even though I did it a lot of the time for autoerotic reasons, the dressing itself was never erotic in itself. As much as I tried to control my thoughts, I couldn't help but perceive myself as a female in my fantasies, not a man in a dress, but a female in every way.

Overtime I realised that I wanted to be a female in more than just that sexual role. I am naturally submissive and never been interested in masculine pursuits. I've always kept people at arms length, never comfortable, never developing real connections, always doubting my actions in any social circumstances. I've always been a loner and never felt genuine. The only times I feel "myself" was when I crossdressed and presented as female online, I wanted to emotionally connect with people and I wanted to people to accept me as female. It was more than just a simple desire, it became an irresistible urge and gender dysphoria.

I'm not one of those that "always knew" either, and this has distressed me greatly, I wish I had some kind of "sign" to validate my gender identity. I was very depressed and suffered extreme social anxiety throughout my teenage years, which all started right after puberty ironically. I was always bi sexual, I got really attached to some guys and was always envious of the attention and relationships that of females I knew (I ruined a few friendships this way). But through the lense of severe depression and paranoia induced by anxiety, it never really clicked.

Due to these problems and my crossdressing, I ruined 3 relationships with women and 1 of them long-term. Eventually I started to be honest about my crossdressing and gender issues, that turned out very bad and she was revolted, it ended shortly after that.

And here I am, my first step was to start taking PM and SP, I wasn't sure if I wanted to ever go full-time or come out to everyone, the further I get into my transition the more I want to go all the way. It feels like I'm holding back for everyone else and not for me. So long story short, several psychologist and psychiatrist appointments and now I'm about to start HRT.

Late onset transsexuals are not that uncommon, we are atleast a third, I'm not saying thats what you are, I'm just saying it's not essential to "know" from a young age. I've done COGIATI and others (most professionals think they are crap) and all said I was mostly trans, but the only real way to get a Gender Identity Assessment is to see a psychiatrist. So my advice is to consult with a professional, get a GID assessment and discuss your gender issues with a therapist.

And most of all, be honest with yourself and take your time!
I hope you find peace,
Good luck!

Thank you Aleah for your wonderful personal answer.
I do recognize myself in a lot of what you are saying. I have been depressed and suffered from social anxiety for a long time. I really like the effects PM had on my body and I hope it stays for as long as possible. However I felt the floodgates opening for a while and all hell broke lose. My emotional roller-coaster and spontaneous crying wasn't because of the bodily changes. Rather I wanted to proceed but felt I couldn't continue without coming out to somebody. You can't just transition on your own like that. So now I'm off and thinking. I wonder if I come out to one or two close ones, if I try PM again will I escape loneliness and crying?

The worst part is not knowing though. My biggest fear is that I will never be able to make up my mind and live out a lonely life in limbo. I feel like I am loosing valuable time each day. The thought of my gender issues being 'real' and if I manage to suppress them for some additional years just to figure it out when it's too late to successfully transition, really scares me.

I don't know if my feelings are real. All of them, some of them, none of them? Instead of crying about it I have been going on doubt-trips these last couple of days. I sit and think, wonder. I look at my face in the mirror and hate what I see. I like my eyes though, staring into them in the mirror. I know there's something True in there. Would it be any different if I had some self esteem, even as a boy? Then I can flip it all by girlying it up and dressing and it makes me feel much better about myself. I went to bed last night almost sure I was 'some kind' of TG. I have never been certain to that extent before like last night... Woke up today in a good mood and now I'm doubting again

I do not like my male appearance. But I'm not sure if it is just low self esteem or gender dysphoria. Also, funny enough, I do not hate everything about my male body, as I pointed out before, I don't hate my penis and I dont think I would like to get rid of it. I also like the fact that I have been blessed with such an androgynous body when it comes to muscle mass and weight.
I did another test yesterday. Some sort of brain-sex-test. You would get a score from one to 20 where the respective opposing sides of the spectra was male/female. I got 10. So right in between. I shouldn't take these tests too seriously anyway but it's hard not to. Also took the Myers-Briggs test and got INFJ.

I hope I don't go to far off topic, but I really do appreciate your thoughts and guidance. I also feel good about writing about my problems, hope it's OK. I have written a list with some things that make me doubt that I'm TG and things that reinforce the notion.

Things that make me think I am TG:
I feel good when I wear girl clothes (spiritually good).
I feel good about the feminine aspects of my body.
I'd like to alter my body to appear more feminine.
I like the idea of being the 'girl' in a sexual situation with a man.
I like to be cute and behave in a cute manner.
I feel cute and 'sexy' when being in girl mode. Otherwise never.
I have worn long hair since my teens and would NEVER think of cutting it short.
I have always been the submissive type towards other people.
I hate to 'take charge of the situation' which is sometimes expected of a man.
I have had a fascination for female clothing since at least 10-12 y/o.
I have a hard time letting people into my life and being open.
I am even thinking about this

Things that makes me doubt I am TG:
I have never identified myself as a 'girl', through and through.
I would like to keep my penis, functional or non-functional. Got no problem with it being there whatsoever.
I don't want big tits (I do however want small that are proportional to my body).
I like some typically male things like carpentry.
I really don't care about fashion.
I don't cry from movies (did on PM though hehe).
I like hanging out with guys.
I don't really 'suffer' when I wear boy clothes.

I think if I had the option right now, I would like to go on hormones but keep my penis. Staying in a way between genders, being not fully neither one.
Again thank you Aleah, I will see a professional before Christmas time I hope!
Mandy

[aleah]

No problem, I know it helps to talk, this is what we are here for girl.

It's common to feel scared and have doubts, if you aren't dealing with that you aren't being reasonable or honest to yourself. The first thing my therapist told me is that "It's OK to be myself", that is the first step.

Ignore the labels, ignore the "groups", ignore categories, everyone is different! You are YOU, and that might be different to everyone else and that is OK.

I know it might sound cliche, but this is a surprisingly difficult thing to grasp for someone in anxiety/depressive ruminations, at least was for me.

I stopped trying to put labels on myself, stopped trying to validate my feelings with pre-conceptions of "acceptable" circumstances. Then I could finally explore my feelings for what they were.

Not everyone has serious depression to the point of suicide before transition, many cases, even early onset cases, they just don't feel "whole" and want it badly.

The backwards practices of 70s and 80s are long gone, no longer do they "stereotype" transsexualism and have a simple Yes/No for GRS/SRS.

GID assessment is a self discovery process these days, often involving part-time real life experience and HRT as a means to alleviate gender dysphoria. Some people want to only be androgynous, and that is an acceptable goal of HRT, as long as it alleviates the persons gender dysphoria, no one will judge. You don't need to want GRS/SRS to be trans, for example, I don't want it, I have never been seriously dysphoric about my penis. This is not unusual and doesn't make you "weird". Often trans girls aren't dysphoric about it up front, since it's not "publically presented" but it becomes an issue when wanting to have relationships with men. And some people don't ever have a problem with it and want to always retain some kind of functionality, this is perfectly normal too and not that uncommon.

Gender expression and identity is not black and white, it's easy for us to want to make such a "binary" definition of it, this is human nature. The reality is that gender identity is a scale with varying degrees. The hardest thing is to avoid gender stereotypes when making self assessment, there are women who love sports, and there are men who love ballet, etc.

It's not about what you do but it's about who you want to be and how you perceive yourself so you can live a happy and fulfilled life.

There is no such thing as "too late" to transition, I have seen many extremely successful transition cases in mid-life, but it does become harder from a social point of view.

This is something I can relate to, having doubts is perfectly normal, it's a scary life changing decision and it's not a race, it's just about when you feel right to transition.

My greatest fear is simply coming out to my family, I've been very distressed and suffering from anxiety ever since I decided to start my transition first with PM/SP. Now I have occasional "why am I putting myself through this?" sort of thoughts when I'm not ruminating on my dysphoria. The inevitable answer is "because this is something I want, and I accept the risks". The fear of losing family, having work and social problems and sometimes I fear just having a hard time "passing" and then hating myself for it. (Despite this being a simple paranoia, most trans girls pass easily with only HRT)

The reality is that transition should always be taken very gradually, one step at a time. Therapy, hormones, real life experience, coming out, it's all a journey, not a race.

But from what I've heard/read, these feelings are perfectly normal, we aren't machines, self doubt and fear is a common part of any major life decision. There is something I was taught when I was younger that I believe applies here:

"Only a certainty can replace a certainty."

Also HRT or PM/SP regime is not completely irreversible, while surgery would be required to remove breast tissue, all of the other changes are reversible. Sterility isn't permanent for everyone and depends on your dosage/age, there are cases that someone stopped HRT later in life and regained normal reproductive function. But that is probably the single most important medical consideration, how important is sterility to you? Either way, it's best to sperm bank just in case.

Anyway, these questions and doubts are things you need to discuss with a trained therapist, dialogue is a very important. At the end, it's a decision only you can make, a therapist will never judge or guide your decision, they will just help you to talk about it.

Coming out to people can be a very rewarding and liberating experience, even if it's just to a professional, it will help alleviate the daunting feelings of loneliness and anxiety.

I hope this helps!

[Mandy88]

First of all I want to say I feel so much better today about myself. Last night I talked for the first time in my life about this with a loved one!

Let me preface this. I was doubting yesterday, still felt OK. I haven't dared to use any drug in a while in case I might freak out, but yesterday I felt a need for just a tiny bit of weed in my bong (don't judge me). I was laying down listening to music when it turned really bad. My mind was spinning out of control. My soul was clutching. I got dizzy. My ears where ringing and I thought I was about to faint. The very fabric of reality came closing in on me. Some people might know the feeling. It kept spinning worse and worse. I don't recommend anyone using any drug, btw!
Then I had an epiphany. I could keep running away from myself and suffer, or embrace who I am and prosper. It had to with being myself, being honest. The conclusion I came to was that whatever comes from being Myself can only be good. I felt like passing through the eye of a needle. The experience turned to be if not the biggest, deepest spiritual moment I have ever experienced. My soul was relaxing for the first time in years. I suddenly viewed my life in a positive way. I picked up the phone because I just knew it was the right time to talk about it.
I didn't 'come out' about being TG for that I'm not 100% sure of still, and therefor not comfortable coming out about yet. However I said I was having gender issues and I got a good response. Afterwards it didn't feel like such a big thing but it dawned on me more during the night. It was such a relief and felt so so good! Just to be able to talk with someone who loves me. I am now feeling more certain then ever, although I would like to think more about it. I can look myself in the mirror now and see a clearer reflection of Me looking back. Anyway I feel great

Reading your reply, Aleah, I appreciate it very much! It really 'clicks' with my what you are saying. It really is a journey of self exploration. The answer must come from within.
I don't want to be part of any group, community or gender. I don't want to be 'a girl' just for the hell of it, I want to be Me. That is my aim for now. It isn't like I would turn into another person it's just Me. The Me I have always been. Whatever labels one could slap on that I don't care. I know for certain I haven't really 'lived' in so many years. I would like to live again.

It is a pretty amazing thing to be human.

[Mandy88]

I have a big urge to go back on PM. Around Monday-Tuesday, it will be 2 weeks off. I am thinking of trying maybe 500mg a day for a while before upping the dosage. Any one know if it is ok to mix with antibiotics?

[AbiDrew85]

I have a big urge to go back on PM. Around Monday-Tuesday, it will be 2 weeks off. I am thinking of trying maybe 500mg a day for a while before upping the dosage. Any one know if it is ok to mix with antibiotics?

I don't really see as how there could be a problem...

Are you completely sure this time? Don't want you to have another freak out...

This stuff IS permanent once it really starts to develop.

[Pansy-Mae]

I have a big urge to go back on PM. Around Monday-Tuesday, it will be 2 weeks off. I am thinking of trying maybe 500mg a day for a while before upping the dosage. Any one know if it is ok to mix with antibiotics?

It really is fairly common to take it.. have doubts and stop for a week or two.... then feel the urge to try again...have doubts...stop... wait...try again.....
After a couple of turns on the seesaw it settles down.

[Mandy88]

I don't really see as how there could be a problem...

Are you completely sure this time? Don't want you to have another freak out...

This stuff IS permanent once it really starts to develop.

I want it to be permanent. However I wouldn't say I'm sure of anything other then that I am different. I have felt so sure almost certain these days, but I don't know. I feel really down right now.
I am more certain about wanting to change my body. Not so sure if it is worth it.
How sweet of you. I don't want that either, that's why I'm pondering lower dosage...

It really is fairly common to take it.. have doubts and stop for a week or two.... then feel the urge to try again...have doubts...stop... wait...try again.....
After a couple of turns on the seesaw it settles down.

It is? I really hope so.
I imagine it would be different to take it again. Last time I wanted it but I had never pondered the real consequences, not the bodily ones but the life changing stuff. It caught me off guard. I would like to take PM again and try to really feel if it is right. If it is then I'll go for it and tell my parents, I think.
Mandy

[aleah]

It is? I really hope so.
I imagine it would be different to take it again. Last time I wanted it but I had never pondered the real consequences, not the bodily ones but the life changing stuff. It caught me off guard. I would like to take PM again and try to really feel if it is right. If it is then I'll go for it and tell my parents, I think.
Mandy

Yeah the see-saw is common, it's because it takes time to settle down into the reality of your decision. They say the hardest person to come out to is yourself, this couldn't be more true. Following your bodily urge for transformation must have triggered the psychological realization and you might not have been ready for that.

If you go into it with both eyes wide open and loved ones supporting you, it should be a lot easier but just take your time.

Good luck Mandy!

[Mandy88]

Yeah the see-saw is common, it's because it takes time to settle down into the reality of your decision. They say the hardest person to come out to is yourself, this couldn't be more true. Following your bodily urge for transformation must have triggered the psychological realization and you might not have been ready for that.

If you go into it with both eyes wide open and loved ones supporting you, it should be a lot easier but just take your time.

Good luck Mandy!

Thanks for your reply. I feel so good today and I am almost certain now. It just feels right. Being Me that is.
I have talked face to face with a loved one now and it felt really good I got lots of support. What you said about coming out 'to yourself' haha I hear you! That is definitely so true. As I said I am good at lying to myself but it is so silly. Feels good to tear down the castle walls.

Btw, my tits are still sore and they have continued to grow a little even since I quit PM 12 days ago, is that normal? How long does PM stay in your system?

[flamesabers]

Thanks for your reply. I feel so good today and I am almost certain now. It just feels right. Being Me that is.

It's good to hear you're feeling better.

Btw, my tits are still sore and they have continued to grow a little even since I quit PM 12 days ago, is that normal? How long does PM stay in your system?

Yes, I would say that's normal. Some members report getting growth spurts when they go cold turkey on pm for a period of time. I think it has to do with the body reaching the optimal levels of hormones for growing breasts. I'm not sure for how long pm stays in the body.