[AbiDrew85]

Yesterday I thought my left testicle was bigger than usual. Turns out it is most likely due to the right one having shrunken severely lately. This effect caused me some mild stress.

If losing size in your male bits is going to distress you maybe you shouldn't be doing this? Or at least go see a psychologist before continuing.

[Mandy88]

If losing size in your male bits is going to distress you maybe you shouldn't be doing this? Or at least go see a psychologist before continuing.

Well Im not really concerned over size, particularly when it comes to the scrotum area. But I am a bit of a hypochondriac. I fear pain, and general weirdness. Such as the fact that my body seems to be responding unevenly to the PM; right testicle has shrunken yet left nipple has a significantly larger lump then the right. Unfortunately I am having to wait a while to see a psych because of the medical system where I live.

...
I'm gonna quit PM for a while I have decided. The changes are just occurring too rapidly. I want the changes but my mind is lagging, the body is way ahead. I will not take any more PM for a few days and then, maybe, try an even lower dose, like 250mg a day, if at all.
I have an anxiety that can creep up on me very suddenly at any time. A little while ago while laying in bed I experienced what I believe was a panic attack. Hm. This is not good at all
Yes I am somewhat hypochondriac. Not the kind that goes and bothers doctors every day, but I have a tendency to obsess over every little thing about my body. Change is scary to me. All change, not just body-wise. This is not only when on PM.
Today is the tenth day of the 500mg/day thing. I THINK the too rapid for now changes are what causes my unease, and the panic. I KNOW I need to think more about my gender issues in general. This is still new to me. To take it seriously. And I am normally a person who takes it slow so I better be true to myself. My body changes are racing ahead of my psychological development with these issues. Damn it. I love the effects of PM but I have felt the cry-mode coming back today, and combined with what I think was a panic attack the choice is clear.

When I was off PM, and also now recently while on it, I have grown more certain that my gender issues are to be taken seriously. It's just such a big thing. And scary. And it feels real. I do feel, happy, sad, alive, in touch, when I take this issue seriously, honestly and when accepting it. Looking at myself in the mirror now I see 'me' when I think of myself as girl, or rather when I really really look at myself honestly I see myself as girl. But PM has such incredibly strong effect, that when on it, I start wondering if it is really me or the PM. If it can change the body so profoundly, surely it must have the ability to change the mind. This is not a question I enjoy pondering when on this substance, given it makes me so emotional.
I hate to do this, but I feel I need to go off PM again and try to explore and anchor my trangenderism in the non PM-affected mind and soul and life of mine. Perhaps, in the future, I will be able to enjoy the effects of PM without mental anguish. I do enjoy positive mental effects too, at ease with 'the world' and everyone in it, less social phobia, less caring of what strangers think of me, and less anxiety in general (but more anxiety occasionally).

The reactions I am having now tells me 20 days off was not sufficient. I thought I was sure enough to start taking it again. I was going to use this second PM period to think and feel more, that I have, up to this point, and I have been kind of reassured. But this is enough for now clearly.
My biggest fear is that I, if I really want to transition in the future, would react similarly to HRT treatment, and being forced to abort it, and be basically doomed.
Sigh.. I will try to arrange so I can stay at a relative tonight. I'm having a hard time
M

[sfem]

I think it is wise to stay completely off PM for a while to work through some of this in your mind. Changing your environment can also be helpful to remove distractions and influences. Take the time to decide what you really want, there will always be time for it when you know what you want. Try to focus on other things in your life and let your feelings have a chance to make themselves clear to you. Be honest with yourself and I hope whatever answers you find make you happy.

[Mandy88]

Thank you sfem

Had a good nights sleep and thought through a lot of things. I am quite sure I'm trans. The feelings PM allows to surface in my mind that causes me anxiety is my life situation and how extremely bad I have felt for years. It hurts to think about. And the years of isolation, depression and social phobia have left me without a properly functioning life. I got no structures I can rely on exept my family and two friends I am being honest with; no job, no school, no nothing. I rarely go out, I have few friends. My life has been on ice for a long time and when PM brings me in touch with my feelings it hurts to admit for myself. That I got no real life. Most of my time I spend alone.
The strongest feelings are those of isolation and loneliness. I need to get a real 'life'.
I have denied myself 3 doses of PM now. I think my breasts will countinue to grow for a while even without PM as they did last round. I think the effective dose for me is extremely low, this is probably why I feel such a bodily impact of it. I mean, lactating after 7 days of 500mg/day seems extreme? I just tried it again and I can still do it. Maybe I have some sort of hormonal condition since before. I dont know for sure but I was inspecting my body last night in front of the mirror and I think I have more hips, I also think my tummy has changed apperance although I cant explain exactly what about it that has changed.
Isn't it wise to try and go for the lowest effective dosage? Next try it will be 250/day that I try.
Mandy

[LookingForward2NBE]

Not to sound insensitive but I never took this forum to be a mental health forum, its a community of individuals looking to enhance there breasts. I'm sorry but I feel for you but I do not want to come and get depressed about other people transexual journey's and the emotional tolls its has on them. There are much better forums I would imagine to help you through that.. This forum is about attempting to improves on breasts naturally as to avoid surgical intervention... Seems like you have had good results, if only many of could be so fortunate and instead your post seen as a negative journey.

[aleah]

Not to sound insensitive but I never took this forum to be a mental health forum, its a community of individuals looking to enhance there breasts. I'm sorry but I feel for you but I do not want to come and get depressed about other people transexual journey's and the emotional tolls its has on them. There are much better forums I would imagine to help you through that.. This forum is about attempting to improves on breasts naturally as to avoid surgical intervention... Seems like you have had good results, if only many of could be so fortunate and instead your post seen as a negative journey.

Prefixing "not to sound insensitive" doesn't actually make the post any less insensitive.

I'm not sure what the official policy in this site is but trans issues get discussed all the time, and since this is specifically related to NBE, I don't see the problem.

NBE is a form of transition, whether or not the person is completely trans or just somewhere on the gender spectrum, to ignore the psychological impact of that would be reckless. And there is no other forum that has people as experienced with PM to help, most would not understand since they only have experience with HRT.

If you have a problem with someone who might be struggling with their choice to do NBE, then maybe it is a reflection on your own self doubts.

@Mandy88 Good luck girl, coming out to yourself is the hardest and just take your time, everyones journey is different. If you decide to go back on PM soon, I'd stick on 500mg for a while and see how goes for about a month.

[bryony]

Hi Mandy,

There could be an explanation for this:

...
A little while ago while laying in bed I experienced what I believe was a panic attack. Hm. This is not good at all

...
Today is the tenth day of the 500mg/day thing. I THINK the too rapid for now changes are what causes my unease, and the panic. I KNOW I need to think more about my gender issues in general.
...

There is a theory which is gaining acceptance that at least some, if not most, or all gender dysphoria is caused by insufficient exposure to the appropriate hormone during foetal development.

In the case of MTF males, this means that as a foetus it is not exposed to sufficient androgen, and the brain develops, to a greater or lesser extent as a female brain. When such people take Estrogen, it produces a calming effect. Without PM, I would be a mental wreck now, but with it, I am reasonably well-balanced.

There are other people who have a desire to be female for other reasons, according to the theory, and these people have a brain that was not underexposed to androgen. When these people take Estrogen, they experience anxiety. I'm not saying that PM is the cause of your anxiety for this reason, but it is worth considering.

Have a look at question 15A under category 4 at this link:
Vitale FAQ

It might be worth a series of controlled experiments. If you have gender dysphoria as described, taking PM should give you a feeling of well-being. If you consistently feel anxious when you take it, you would very likely get the same symptoms with pharmaceutical alternatives. In this case, you would really need to get some counselling about your options.

At the very least, that FAQ has a lot of useful information.

Good luck!

Bryony

[Elisaustin]

Mandy
There is no doubt PM effects you physically.
And there is no doubt it effects the mental process.
If it is causing you problems with one or both maybe you should consider other options. Perhaps switching to a lighter herbal combination.
Before I started on PM I had some success with with soy isoflavones two
40mg pills in morning and two in the evening.
I also took 1 soft gel of evening primrose at the same time.
I started to get some budding and had no mental or physical side effects.
I have no idea how this would work for you.
The other thing you could try is stop taking anything orally and use PM as a
breast cream. Mixing PM powder in a lavender facial cream and massaging into
breasts twice a day has worked for some with no mental side effects.
I have also just bought a electro breast mas-sager on ebay that I am trying.
While the sensation feels great and seems to be firming my breasts I have no idea if it will help size.

Kiddo there are always other routes you can take to where you want to go. You just have to decide which one is best for you.
DRESS pretty and warm its gonna be a cold winter.
Huggs

[Mandy88]

Thank you who have left encouraging replies. I will try not to bother you too much with personal stuff, sorry I can be a little over the top occasionally Really appreciate the nice people here!

That brain chemistry thing is interesting but I don't really know what to say about it. I have been depressed as you all know by now, hehe. But I am really rather confident in my 'inner self', I don't see my brain as my problem, it's more the body. Have read that FAQ page from top to bottom a couple of times already lol. I am getting more reassured that I am trans each day. My mind has always been the way it is, 'Me' I want my body and appearance to reflect my inside, in boy-mode I am letting out maybe a tenth of who I really am for myself.

It seems I get a period of heightened 'well being' on PM when it is 'just right' then a few days later it gets 'too much' this may be related to my (extreme?) sensitivity to the substance. First I get really really in touch with myself and the world in a good way, then when it becomes to much it is like I am losing myself in the whirlwind. Definitely want the 'right' amount for me which is cause for further experimentation with an even lower dose. I will also try to make home made breast creme, I don't want to lose what I have gained! Thank you for the tip! Not to be put on the nipples right?

3 and a half days totally PM-free as I am writing this, after 10 days on. The muscle pain stopped about when I stopped PM, maybe even earlier, so can't say for sure... Still lactating though as of 15 minutes ago!
Sharing some pics of what my tits look like now (hard to make it show in pictures, before PM I was totally flat). Was really amazed the other day the amount of growth I've gotten from 10 days only, cant wear tight t-shirt without them showing.

Dawn lighting:     Upper body overview:     'Leaning forward':    

[Mandy88]

Heck, I made you a better one with before-pic. No angry admins I hope?