[Marina Kits]

It’s been on my mind a lot lately about how I’m going to deal with family and friends when they start noticing the changes I’m making. Here’s a little background:

I’ve done an exceptionally good job of hiding my true self from my family and friends. In fact, until I recently disclosed everything to my wife, I was pretty successful at hiding it from her for as long as she's known me. I have always tried very hard to maintain the male look and persona that I was "supposed" to portray. Meaning, I've always had short hair, dressed in only drab colors, no ear rings, did "guy" things and obviously never did anything to bolster my chest. I live in a very conservative environment and have tight family ties on every side. Aside from my wife who now knows everything and the extent to which I have suffered and concealed my gender issues, everyone thinks I’m a perfectly well adjusted male who is as happy as the next guy. My wife is aware of the long term effects of PM usage and that I’m now growing out my hair but to everyone else, long hair and or breasts is going to be a pretty big shocker, especially on me.

While I’m safely under the RADAR right now, it’s inevitable that someone is going to notice at some point. First the hair will raise some red flags about me becoming a little too feminine but I think I can get through that on my own. I already have a couple excuses in mind - mid life crisis, grow it while I still can, Jesus had long hair etc. But what I’m really worried about is what comes next. On the heels of growing my hair out come breasts! The hair will likely raise suspicions which will pique my family’s paranoia but when it’s followed by boobs popping out, their suspicions will be confirmed! If someone gets the notion that I’m transsexual or homosexual, the poop will really hit the fan. None of them have ever (knowingly) encountered someone like me and to realize that I’m “one of them” would rock their world to say the least. The thing is, I’ve been suffocating this desire my whole life and only in recent months, have I finally taken a life-saving, single gasp of air. If I try to stuff this back underwater, I’ll surely drown. I have to persevere to the end no matter what awaits me.

So, does anyone have any profound ways of dealing with what lies ahead for me? Any success stories that you have from traveling this road I must go down? Any regrets you had that you’d caution me to avoid? …Blowing them off or making snarky remarks isn’t an option for me. I know I have at least a year or two before the breasts become obvious and perhaps there will be enough time between the hair and the breasts that it wont be quite as big of an issue as I fear it might be. Nonetheless, I want to start thinking about the conversations and "corrective" pressures others in my life will likely employ so when they happen, I'll be more prepared and self confident than they and will, hopefully, be able to gently help them understand and accept what I'm doing. Please, don't be shy.

[Missed Miss]

It’s been on my mind a lot lately about how I’m going to deal with family and friends when they start noticing the changes I’m making. Here’s a little background:

I’ve done an exceptionally good job of hiding my true self from my family and friends. In fact, until I recently disclosed everything to my wife, I was pretty successful at hiding it from her for as long as she's known me. I have always tried very hard to maintain the male look and persona that I was "supposed" to portray. Meaning, I've always had short hair, dressed in only drab colors, no ear rings, did "guy" things and obviously never did anything to bolster my chest. I live in a very conservative environment and have tight family ties on every side. Aside from my wife who now knows everything and the extent to which I have suffered and concealed my gender issues, everyone thinks I’m a perfectly well adjusted male who is as happy as the next guy. My wife is aware of the long term effects of PM usage and that I’m now growing out my hair but to everyone else, long hair and or breasts is going to be a pretty big shocker, especially on me.

While I’m safely under the RADAR right now, it’s inevitable that someone is going to notice at some point. First the hair will raise some red flags about me becoming a little too feminine but I think I can get through that on my own. I already have a couple excuses in mind - mid life crisis, grow it while I still can, Jesus had long hair etc. But what I’m really worried about is what comes next. On the heels of growing my hair out come breasts! The hair will likely raise suspicions which will pique my family’s paranoia but when it’s followed by boobs popping out, their suspicions will be confirmed! If someone gets the notion that I’m transsexual or homosexual, the poop will really hit the fan. None of them have ever (knowingly) encountered someone like me and to realize that I’m “one of them” would rock their world to say the least. The thing is, I’ve been suffocating this desire my whole life and only in recent months, have I finally taken a life-saving, single gasp of air. If I try to stuff this back underwater, I’ll surely drown. I have to persevere to the end no matter what awaits me.

So, does anyone have any profound ways of dealing with what lies ahead for me? Any success stories that you have from traveling this road I must go down? Any regrets you had that you’d caution me to avoid? …Blowing them off or making snarky remarks isn’t an option for me. I know I have at least a year or two before the breasts become obvious and perhaps there will be enough time between the hair and the breasts that it wont be quite as big of an issue as I fear it might be. Nonetheless, I want to start thinking about the conversations and "corrective" pressures others in my life will likely employ so when they happen, I'll be more prepared and self confident than they and will, hopefully, be able to gently help them understand and accept what I'm doing. Please, don't be shy.

How about: It's what I NEED to do to be completely happy.
If they can't accept you for YOU, are they really worth it? I'm sure your wife will stand up for you if need be.
Or, you COULD just do it like everyone else: be a guest on the Jerry Springer show.
If you're a homosexual, why would you want a sex change?

[Missed Miss]

I also think of it as pretty much nothing more than body modification. If your friends and family have no problem with getting piercings and tattoos for themselves, why should they have any problem with you growing tits and changing your body to the way YOU want it? Did any of them ask your permission or input on their choice to get pierced or tattooed? I'm guessing they haven't! Therefore, how is it any of THEIR business what YOU do with YOUR body? Painting toe or fingernails, colouring, cutting or re-styling hair, and wearing make-up, even wearing clothes, are all forms of body modification. No one needs permission from anyone else to get those done.
Just be strong, state your case, make your point(s) and if any of them don't like YOUR decision of what YOU want to do with YOUR body, to hell with them!!

"I'm the only one that's got to die when it's MY time to die, so let me live my life the way I want to!"
Jimi Hendrix

Maybe this will help, too! http://youtu.be/VNXWMHu9An0

[Marina Kits]

Thanks for the reply Miss Missed but that's not really what I was hoping for. They're my family, I can't tell them to, "go to hell" or anything else with attitude like that. Furthermore, I don't want to take that easy way out. For my sake and especially for theirs, I'd like them to see me, really not very differently than I have ever been although the tendency would be to REPLACE who I was with what they now know about me. Rather, I'd like to win some support among good people who haven't HAD to understand my issue before and therefore might make it hard on those who aren't as close to them as I happen to be (plain and simple prejudice towards transgenders). I could give them the finger and broaden the separation between me and them or I can try to help them understand me so they are sympathetic and perhaps kinder to you some day if your path crosses theirs. Who better to do that for my family and friends than me? Should I leave it up to PBS or their other biased acquaintances? No, I think it needs to be me and I'm hoping for some collective thought on how to do that lovingly.

[Missed Miss]

Well, the "go to hell" part was about "friends", not family. Ya can't really do that to family unless they do it to you. My friend, Carla, had her entire family (except for her older brother) completely abandon her when they found out. Her dad beat the shit out of her a number of times and called names like, "faggot".
There's no guarantee they're GOING to support you or be okay with it. As they ARE your family, they SHOULD be right behind you. I don't think there's any way you can tell them so they'll completely accept it. I mean, like, if you're looking to pick up a date, there are things you can say that work better as opposed to other things, but I'm not sure there's any specific set of words strung together in a specific pattern to make it go over easy.
One thing you can try to at least get an idea of how they'd react is to watch a gender bender movie with them that's about a transsexual and just sit back and take mental notes of how they react to it. This MIGHT help you figure OUT some better way to tell them. There was one I saw a few years ago about a Hispanic boy who loved to wear dresses as a little boy, so his mother allowed him to thinking it was just a phase. When he got older, he continued to buy girl clothes and tried to become a girl! Eventually, he got his parents and family to understand what he was going through and they accepted him. Sadly, other people he was associated with took it upon themselves to play god kill him because of it!! I don't recall the name of it, but it's a true story.
You also can't predict how others will react. I know someone that was arrested for child molestation a decade ago and, once the news got out, his FAMILY took the brunt of it!! People that lived next door and WERE friends, suddenly turned on the FAMILY because they stupidly think that his entire family is that way!! His nephew used to play with a lot of the local kids, then all of a sudden, they all started to harass HIM (the nephew) because of what his uncle did! People are stupid that way. Thankfully, people are gradually waking up and understanding that life doesn't revolve around THEM and they can NOT force someone to be the cookie cutter carbon copy they turned out to be.
At least with your family you can ease them into it. but, there's GOING to be people that see you today as you are and are okay with you being a guy, then they'll not see you for another 10 years, and then, suddenly, there you are talking to a good friend you haven't seen in a while expecting them to not think you odd now that you are a woman (or a man with breasts, etc.) and it'll be a bit of a shock to them because you just CAN'T ease THEM into it.
PBS? The Public Broadcasting System?
Well, I HOPE I've been of SOME help. I DID try. I can only think of two ways at the moment, ease them into it or just drop the bomb. MAYBE watch TS episodes of Jerry Springer and see how they do it. some are quite heartfelt and the family understands. Maybe you can get a few hints from them on both how TO and how NOT to. Trust me, I do NOT watch Springer, but I've seen a few episodes while visiting others. For that matter, except for a rare news item, or old movie I like, I don't watch t.v. at ALL anymore!!
TONS of good luck with this part of your journey!!!! I REALLY wish you the BEST!!!! :-) (Says I with a little tear in my eye.) Now, GO GET `EM, TIGER!!!! RRAAAWWWRRRRRRR!!

[flamesabers]

Hello Doodlebug.

I think Missed Miss has a good point about watching a gender bender movie with your family to test the waters. I would like to add though that even if your family seems intolerant of gender nonconformists (should we come up with a name for ourselves as a group?), they might be willing to make an exception for you because you're family. I'm not saying they're going to welcome your long hair and breast development with open arms, but rather they may overlook these changes as you being eccentric or something in order to continue having a relationship with you. In other words, it may come down to an unspoken compromise of "don't ask, don't tell" about your feminization with your relatives.

I see two possibilities for you to pursue with your family. The first is to downplay their suspicions and hope they go into a state of denial. They'll still treat you like family, but your feminization will be a taboo topic, regardless of how obvious it is. The second possibility is to try to change their minds about gender nonconformists. While it would be nice if they became fully supportive of you, this may be a bit unrealistic depending on how set they are in their beliefs.

[Missed Miss]

Maybe you can start them off slowly with comedic gender benders like "Sorority Boys", "She's The Man", "He's My Girl" and one I just saw for the first time last night, "Dr. Jekyll And Ms. Hyde". While looking for one I saw on YT a few months ago with a very similar title, I think, where these two young people discovered that they have the ability to quickly change gender, but not exactly when they want to, I found a few clips from a pretty cool sci-fi type movie from the early `70's called, "Dr. Jekyll And Sister Hyde". Basically, it's the same as the one I just watched last night, but it's more like the original story, except that, once he drinks the potion, he turns into a woman. Brian Clemens wrote it, so it HAS to be good!
Anyway, just take note of what their reactions are to this type of stuff, then, maybe hit them with the heavy guns of that other movie I mentioned last night. Kinda like boiling frogs in a pot of water. Turn up the heat gradually and they won't notice they're being cooked.

[TibetanPrincess]

Have you known since you were a tot you were transgendered? Or did this hit you later on? Is this just mere gender bending your identity? Because Id imagine they'd ask this.

In all honesty, better now than never to just be who YOU really are around them. Its your fault in a way. You've set them up all these years to think of you in a way that is not truly you. You just need to suck it up now and BECOME. Unfortunately, there is no gentle way of going about because it is DRASTIC. Its not familiar to them. You can't expect to rig the situation to have a "soft blow" so to speak.
At the end of the day, they know you love them. So its not like your trying to shove shit pie in their faces telling them to go to hell, you are just opening up to them for their support and acception.

Its like trying to find a way to tell them you've died in a sense and are no longer coming back, I would imagine, this never really settles well with anyone, especially parents unless they truly can understand and have seen the "signs" when you were growing up or through out the years they have known you.
And if this is this case, you can't blame them for questioning "why now?, he was never that way before," "what changed?"
And you never know, it might just be harder for you then it is going to be for them.

Good luck and pussy up. Live your life freely now

Thanks for the reply Miss Missed but that's not really what I was hoping for. They're my family, I can't tell them to, "go to hell" or anything else with attitude like that. Furthermore, I don't want to take that easy way out. For my sake and especially for theirs, I'd like them to see me, really not very differently than I have ever been although the tendency would be to REPLACE who I was with what they now know about me. Rather, I'd like to win some support among good people who haven't HAD to understand my issue before and therefore might make it hard on those who aren't as close to them as I happen to be (plain and simple prejudice towards transgenders). I could give them the finger and broaden the separation between me and them or I can try to help them understand me so they are sympathetic and perhaps kinder to you some day if your path crosses theirs. Who better to do that for my family and friends than me? Should I leave it up to PBS or their other biased acquaintances? No, I think it needs to be me and I'm hoping for some collective thought on how to do that lovingly.

[jessilondi]

I wouldn't go to the extent of saying that it is your fault for not being yourself. It's a long tough journey sometimes to find your way through all of the expectations and standards and junk of "normal" to even figure out your true path to happiness, on top of the fact that people change all the time. I do agree though with most of these replies. In the end, you can influence those around you, but you cannot control them. You need to decide what type of role they will play in your life, and how you will go about including them. That being said, you also need to accept that everyone has their comfortabilities and opinions, and be respectful towards that, and not expect everyone to change their beliefs because of your 'extreme' need of change for happiness. It may seem cruel, but that is how relationships work. You know your family and friends best and you alone can decide how they perceive and experience you and your transition. Sacrifices. Reality is that you may need to hide some of this for some people who are important to you. To flaunt this extreme change that, to them, is not who you are, and say that it is the real you and they have to deal with it or GTFO because it makes you happy; is you being stubborn and selfish (not to say that is what you plan to do).
We all make sacrifices for the ones we love, and that includes the amount of info we expose and withhold to/from them. Besides, I honestly think the state of "self" is more than just a black and white. I act entirely different with different groups of people, and that is all different shades of grey that I call being myself. A more extreme example is my male mode and my girl mode, while being literal polar opposites, they are both different expressions of myself. I think that most people that take these "this is who I am, take it or leave it" attitudes are seeking a state of relevance and approval in life. We all want to leave impressions and sometimes take stubborn motions to get it.
I hope this post doesn't sound harsh, but I think you know the answer to this question best. Don't be afraid of the result, and you can be yourself, and filter as needed until it becomes apart of you in their eyes too.

[TibetanPrincess]

Perhaps what I really should have said was"reap what you sow." This this case. Knowing for years that if your weren't going to be able to be up front about who you really are to people, you were basically setting yourself up for a future of a big "coming out" situation, love me or leave me ordeal.

At 43, you would have to take some responsibility and that's not going to be daisies when you have the sitdown-explain-who-you-really-are talk to some, but a strange rainbow they may be unwilling to accept on their part.

I know families can be hard to come out to , but we as a nation have had at least a good 10 years of transgender acceptance.

I wouldn't go to the extent of saying that it is your fault for not being yourself. It's a long tough journey sometimes to find your way through all of the expectations and standards and junk of "normal" to even figure out your true path to happiness, on top of the fact that people change all the time. I do agree though with most of these replies. In the end, you can influence those around you, but you cannot control them. You need to decide what type of role they will play in your life, and how you will go about including them. That being said, you also need to accept that everyone has their comfortabilities and opinions, and be respectful towards that, and not expect everyone to change their beliefs because of your 'extreme' need of change for happiness. It may seem cruel, but that is how relationships work. You know your family and friends best and you alone can decide how they perceive and experience you and your transition. Sacrifices. Reality is that you may need to hide some of this for some people who are important to you. To flaunt this extreme change that, to them, is not who you are, and say that it is the real you and they have to deal with it or GTFO because it makes you happy; is you being stubborn and selfish (not to say that is what you plan to do).
We all make sacrifices for the ones we love, and that includes the amount of info we expose and withhold to/from them. Besides, I honestly think the state of "self" is more than just a black and white. I act entirely different with different groups of people, and that is all different shades of grey that I call being myself. A more extreme example is my male mode and my girl mode, while being literal polar opposites, they are both different expressions of myself. I think that most people that take these "this is who I am, take it or leave it" attitudes are seeking a state of relevance and approval in life. We all want to leave impressions and sometimes take stubborn motions to get it.
I hope this post doesn't sound harsh, but I think you know the answer to this question best. Don't be afraid of the result, and you can be yourself, and filter as needed until it becomes apart of you in their eyes too.