27-08-2013, 09:53 PM
(This post was last modified: 27-08-2013, 10:13 PM by Marina Kits.)
Big Dreamer said:
"Being with her almost 25 years I already know what the results would be."
"This does not stop me from pursuing NBE but may slow it down or make it more complicated and end results could have bad consequences."
"I have been struggling with this pretty much my whole life. If I could shake it off and say get real it would be great, but I cant stop thinking about it, and the older I get, the worse it gets."
"So, no mater what happens there are going to be regrets one way or another I just have to decide"
I understand your predicament Big Dreamer and if I came across any way besides compassionate, I didn't mean to. It was right before our 20th anniversary when I told MY wife and I was literally scared to death she'd leave me over it. Horrible as that would be, I figured I'd pursue SRS and the whole bit if she did. And, like you, my dysphoria was getting worse and worse to the point where I was going to have a nervous breakdown if something didn't give. Or, borrowing your metaphor, I'd be crushed between a boob and a soft spot.
Let me offer some more thoughts. Are you sure your wife doesn't suspect something anyway? Mine did. I was among the best at hiding things but despite that, my wife nearly caught me cross dressing once or twice and found occasional little evidences over the years that, when put together, could have made a modest case against me but scattered over 20 years didn't raise any red flags. When I started coming clean, it all began to make sense to her and I watched as the bulb got brighter and brighter. When she grasped just how engrained this is in my being and how there is nothing I can do to eradicate it despite a lifetime of trying, her compassion for me began to pour out and continues to this day. Now we are closer than ever before and she LOVES the fact that she knows me through and through - my deepest, darkest secrets and desires. Strangely, it's what she has always craved and it changed her. I feel her love for me more than ever before and, of course, love her more in return now that I am completely accepted by her without reserve. I wouldn't have guessed it would go like that which is why I hid it from her for 20 years. Honestly, I carry the responsibility of holding our marriage back by withholding this part of me and THAT, I most certainly regret!
So, here's a possible solution: What if you made a 5 year plan to tell your wife? Today she knows nothing and in 5 years from today, she will know everything. Make a list of what you are going to tell her and plot out when and how she will "discover the truth". She will have time to adjust and accept; you'll be able to speed up, slow down or stop if necessary according to her reaction and in the end, worst case scenario, you'll be married for 30 years to an apparently pretty nice gal. It seems to me you have nothing to lose. If you do nothing, you might go crazy stuffing your feelings. If you start NBE without telling her and she finds out, you'll have a lot of explaining to do ALL OF A SUDDEN and she might not be able to bear it. But, if you tell her slowly and adjust acording to her reaction, you might be able to salvage a marriage AND get NBE or at least a compassionate partner who FULLY understands you in the end. I don't know her like you do ...but I sure want to help if I can. Think it over ...and be courageous! "I'm pulling for ya, and we're all in this together."
P.S. ...You've been married for 25 years... Congrats! I think it's safe to say she likes you. I know we as guys often can't understand what it is about us that our women like or why they've stayed with us for so long but hey, you might be selling yourself short. Frankly, I think those of us who have this affliction are a little more sensitive than the rest of the male population and I think women generally like a more sensitive guy for a life partner. You apparently are at least pretty close to what she wants JUST AS YOU ARE. Maybe I'm speculating too much but it's worth mentioning.
"Being with her almost 25 years I already know what the results would be."
"This does not stop me from pursuing NBE but may slow it down or make it more complicated and end results could have bad consequences."
"I have been struggling with this pretty much my whole life. If I could shake it off and say get real it would be great, but I cant stop thinking about it, and the older I get, the worse it gets."
"So, no mater what happens there are going to be regrets one way or another I just have to decide"
I understand your predicament Big Dreamer and if I came across any way besides compassionate, I didn't mean to. It was right before our 20th anniversary when I told MY wife and I was literally scared to death she'd leave me over it. Horrible as that would be, I figured I'd pursue SRS and the whole bit if she did. And, like you, my dysphoria was getting worse and worse to the point where I was going to have a nervous breakdown if something didn't give. Or, borrowing your metaphor, I'd be crushed between a boob and a soft spot.
Let me offer some more thoughts. Are you sure your wife doesn't suspect something anyway? Mine did. I was among the best at hiding things but despite that, my wife nearly caught me cross dressing once or twice and found occasional little evidences over the years that, when put together, could have made a modest case against me but scattered over 20 years didn't raise any red flags. When I started coming clean, it all began to make sense to her and I watched as the bulb got brighter and brighter. When she grasped just how engrained this is in my being and how there is nothing I can do to eradicate it despite a lifetime of trying, her compassion for me began to pour out and continues to this day. Now we are closer than ever before and she LOVES the fact that she knows me through and through - my deepest, darkest secrets and desires. Strangely, it's what she has always craved and it changed her. I feel her love for me more than ever before and, of course, love her more in return now that I am completely accepted by her without reserve. I wouldn't have guessed it would go like that which is why I hid it from her for 20 years. Honestly, I carry the responsibility of holding our marriage back by withholding this part of me and THAT, I most certainly regret!
So, here's a possible solution: What if you made a 5 year plan to tell your wife? Today she knows nothing and in 5 years from today, she will know everything. Make a list of what you are going to tell her and plot out when and how she will "discover the truth". She will have time to adjust and accept; you'll be able to speed up, slow down or stop if necessary according to her reaction and in the end, worst case scenario, you'll be married for 30 years to an apparently pretty nice gal. It seems to me you have nothing to lose. If you do nothing, you might go crazy stuffing your feelings. If you start NBE without telling her and she finds out, you'll have a lot of explaining to do ALL OF A SUDDEN and she might not be able to bear it. But, if you tell her slowly and adjust acording to her reaction, you might be able to salvage a marriage AND get NBE or at least a compassionate partner who FULLY understands you in the end. I don't know her like you do ...but I sure want to help if I can. Think it over ...and be courageous! "I'm pulling for ya, and we're all in this together."
P.S. ...You've been married for 25 years... Congrats! I think it's safe to say she likes you. I know we as guys often can't understand what it is about us that our women like or why they've stayed with us for so long but hey, you might be selling yourself short. Frankly, I think those of us who have this affliction are a little more sensitive than the rest of the male population and I think women generally like a more sensitive guy for a life partner. You apparently are at least pretty close to what she wants JUST AS YOU ARE. Maybe I'm speculating too much but it's worth mentioning.
