[SarahSchilling]

The earliest memories I have are of going to sleep every night praying to God I'd wake up as a female. Actually, I tried pretty much any superstition that could grant wishes. Pennies in fountains, stars, whatever. I think as far back as I can remember is about 6.

It never happened though, and I lost faith in everything. When I started going to school I got picked on whenever i displayed any emotion, because the expression of it tended to be girly. So I shut those down, and as a teenager started staying fucked up all the time.

That lasted until I was about 30. Then I started taking pm and going to college, don't get fucked up anymore. I'd love to transition at some point, but it's just not an option where I am currently living and I'm kinda a coward about it.

Not sure why I decided to share this mini autobiography, but there it is lol. I still got my problems but at least I don't hate being alive anymore. Most of the time.

[flamesabers]

Sarah,

After reading up on gender and transgender topics on the Internet, I especially had those feeling of wanting to wake up as a female during my teen years. I knew the chances of it happening were nil, but it was still nice to dream. I hated the feeling of having facial hair and I didn't like getting a deeper voice. I felt being a female would make it much easier for me to express myself and for people to see my personality in its entirety rather than compartments.

Speaking of wishes, at a young age my brother wanted all of his siblings to be girls. My mom said he wanted to be the only boy in the family. That's one wish I wouldn't have minded if it came true...

[SarahSchilling]

Yeah, we're definitely not alone in the wishing lol

I'm just not sure what's better, regretting not having done everything I can to make the wish a reality or making such a huge commitment to something that will never truly be real.

Actually, if it weren't for the fear of what others would think, I would love to drop the male act altogether.

Ah well, I suppose I'm not alone in this either.

[Miranda-nata-est]

David b

You have blown me away

Perhaps I just have a breast fetish after all ?

Julie

Depends on how one defines fetish - I take it to mean 'an abnormal sexual craving or activity' - but the problem with that definition is that you then have to define abnormal.


I actually have to admit that all is not quite so simple for me as I might have portrayed earlier - it certainly was at the outset, but as time is passing, I am spending considerable effort in an attempt to understand who I really am - with, so far, spectacular failure!! The problem I have is that I seem to have two different pulls on me.

On reflection, there may have been pointers in my past to a side of me which I am only now becoming aware of.

All tricky stuff this - I now realise that some of these questions have been lurking just below the level of my daily subconscious for the last six or so years yet only over the last few months have they been right up there in my thought processes.

I guess I still like to think this is all just about a bit of sexual gratification and that is what I am constantly telling myself albeit with dwindling conviction, that would be relatively simple; however, I think that deep down, there is something significantly more complex at work.

David

[erika_]

Since I was a child I remember I always dreamed to become a girl, I didn't want to grow up as a boy and loved to play and talk with my female friends instead of being rude like the other boys. One day a female friend of mine dressed me up with her clothes, she said I was pretty and I didn't want to change back to my boy clothes...It wasn't kind of fetish for me, I was just expressing the way I feel in the proper way.

Erika

[Marina Kits]

That's a precious memory Erika. Sad that it didn't or couldn't grow but at least you have that moment of transparency with her at that stage of your life. Have you kept in touch with her?

[erika_]

That's a precious memory Erika. Sad that it didn't or couldn't grow but at least you have that moment of transparency with her at that stage of your life. Have you kept in touch with her?

Yes I hear her sometimes, we live distant unfortunately...
I always hope that moment could happen again!

Erika

[AnnieBL]

In my childhood, nothing to do with gender variance was even on my radar, but in retrospect there were straws in the wind. When I was just under two years old it is of record that I raided and aplled my mother's make-up, then in very short supply because of WWII. This was probably only imitative and of no significance, but at 8 I made an unsuccessful attempt to remove my penis by banding, and up to 7 most of my friends and play companions of the same age group were girls. I can only remember two boys - one emigrated with his parents when I was 5 and the other my mother considered undesirable since he taught me to steal. As for the girls, one my cousin, I'm still in contact with four of them, and one I'd still classify as a good friend. Various other things I have mentioned in posts before. Then at 17 I got a crush on a 13year old boy, one of those who develops a transitory but hauntingly feminine beauty, and this convinced me for many years that I must be homosexual. In due course I found that there were various things, none of them really satisfactory, that made me or made me think I was feeling like a woman, and that this was something I needed. It took me a long time to realize that my sexual preferences did not lie at that end of the sexual orientation spectrum, but that I could not seek relationships in a male manner (not a major problem in the gay world), and needed to rely on my would-be female partners making the running - which is a major problem. So many societal conventions and activities require the male to lead, while I am wired to follow. I hated dancing and was never able to do it (in the styles then conventional, for this reason). I am most fortunate that the love of my life was able to engineer a date with me and much later to set me up to make a proposal. She hates being led, hates dancing like I do, and is feisty to complement my own lack of aggression. While I have long known about my desires to feel like a woman, it is only comparatively recently that I have become aware of more effective ways to fulfil these desires to some extent.