(13-01-2014, 02:00 AM)doodlebug2055 Wrote: Well, I bet this is the last thread any of you thought I’d comment on but I’ve been thinking about something for a while now and it’s very appropriate to mention it here. I’ve struggled with my sexuality for most of my life and especially since I got married 20 years ago (big surprise huh?).
My desire for sex is literally only skin deep. Occasionally my “body” wants intercourse but the rest of me, the essence of who I am, is utterly repulsed by the desire and especially the act because it puts me in role that I despise. I don’t want to be driven to have sex. I don’t want to be the pursuer. I don’t want primal physical gratification. I don’t want to be the strong one. I want intimacy, I want to be sought after, I want to be alluring and desired. I want to be loved and held and protected and weak and submissive. …So imagine my discomfort when I have to be the opposite of all those things. I find myself hoping that my wife is quickly satisfied so it can be done and over with. I want her to be happy and fulfilled but I dread the thought of having to perform in that role for her. My recent epiphany is that, THAT is what has probably caused so much sexual dysfunction in our marriage! We both wanted to play the role of the female which was appropriate for my wife but she didn’t understand my need and I sublimely hated having to play the part of the male – it was painful for both of us. She wanted me to pursue her but doing so forced me into that dreaded role of being masculine. I didn’t understand what was going on at the time but now it makes perfect sense. I knew I wanted to be female but did everything in my power to suppress it and was largely unaware of the coping mechanisms I was using to get though life trying to be the “man” I was “Supposed” to be. It just hit me within the last couple weeks that the real me, the feminine me, hates having to be the guy in bed! I used to be able to manage somehow, perhaps because I had a stronger sex drive than I do now, thanks to the herbs but lately I can barely do “it” emotionally anymore. I love, and much prefer the intimacy but am always fearful that I’ll have to “be the man” for her. Thankfully, the last few times we have been caught up together emotionally and were on the verge of physical intercourse we have been content to stop at that point. A few months ago, I said I wanted to have sex like lesbians and since then, we refer to non penetrative sex as lesbian sex and she actually asks for “lesbian sex” once in a while. It’s a huge weight off my shoulders and I’m very lucky she enjoys it probably as much as the heterosexual variety.
Doodle, I could have written that about myself. No kidding. You've described my own sex life from the day I lost my virginity. Like you, I was able to hide my inability to enjoy sex as a man for years through force of will, the virility of youth, and later, the miracle of sildenafil citrate.
Eventually, though, the strain became too much. If my wife hadn't been the aggressor at times, I think we would have had a nearly sexless marriage.
This past year, unable to continue immersing myself in increasingly extreme porn and masturbation as a way to relieve the daily build up of sexual tension and dysphoria, and having relapsed into closet crossdressing for the umpteenth time, I sat down with her and told her about my sexual affliction and transgender desires. It was one of the hardest things I have ever done. I prepared myself for the worst possible reaction.
After hours and hours of very emotional outpouring of feelings long suppressed on both sides, we started the process of rebuilding trust. I was heart broken to learn that for all these years, my wife assumed that our lousy sex life was her fault. She believed that she must be sexually inadequate and unattractive to me. She was prepared to let me go if I wanted out of the marriage even though she still loved me. When I explained that what wrecked our sex life was, in fact, my crossdreaming and my wanting to take the role of the woman in bed, her reaction was, surprisingly, one of relief. A huge burden of guilt was lifted from her shoulders. She replaced her shame and guilt with compassion for me for the anguish I had been enduring for all those years.
With the truth laid out before us, we began to rebuild our relationship. We agreed that my secret compulsive sex life had to end even though I knew that every attempt to do so in the past had failed. She was glad to know that I wasn't gay, and that I had remained faithful, as had she.
It was around that time that I had discovered BreastNexus.com in my search for answers. I read about guys like me who found relief in taking Pueraria Mirifica to quiet their sexual demons (you were one of them, Doodle). I started on PM with high hopes, and quickly found the peace of mind I had been seeking.
It turned our lives around.
Of course, the crossdreaming, the crossdressing, the desire to feminize is still with me, and always will be. What's gone is the secrecy, the self delusion, the compulsive behavior, and the stress of sexual intimacy which has taken on the look of "lesbian sex", as you described, Doodle. My PM-grown breasts have become a major focus of erotic attention these days.
There is no expectation of traditional sexual intercourse. If it happens, it happens.
I only wish this reawakening had happened when I was in my 30s like you, Doodle. You are very fortunate to live at a time when information resources are readily available, and GD is finally being viewed for what is it: a rather rare, but nonetheless natural outcome of human development from conception, to birth, to childhood, to adulthood.
There's still a long way to go for people like us to gain full acceptance in our society, but I trust that one day one's gender sense, too, will become just another accepted variation in the vast diversity of the human species.
Thanks for your post.
CK
