[AnnieBL]

Well, since I have used this board relentlessly as a source of support and therapy, I guess there is no reason to stop now...
Perhaps, down the road, someone else will glean some assistance from this...
Monday passed with no discussion from my wife, as I assumed it might. I have given her as much space as I can to deal with and try to digest the bomb I dropped on her on Sunday. Her mood, as we dealt with normal living in a house with two offspring has been one of feined normalcy. She runs deep, and has never been one to relish frank and open discussion of difficult and painful psychological issues. And, although she has a beautiful heart, she also possesses a wicked, unpredictable and terrifying mediterranean temper, and has issues of her own she hasnever been able or willing to discuss or work through. My fear is that she will not return to this in discussion, but rather simply try to ignore the (pink) elephant in the room, and that things will simply fester and become poisonous. But I do not honestly know what will come, and she may very well not know either. The last thing I want to do at present is to add even more pressure by forcing a conversation. The waiting, though, is tough, to say the least. I can expect no better, and I know this.
And, I know this process is right and needed...finally...as well as I can know anything, right now, I suppose...but it sure is not easy... If I may have the temerity to suggest anything to anyone at this point it would be this...as terrifying as complete honesty with loved ones (and with ourselves) may be...it is the only right thing to do, whatever the consequences may be. If this causes me to lose what I have, then I expect I never really had it to begin with...
To quote the late great Jim Morrison, "the future's uncertain and the end is always near"
Hugs

Sammie,

You have spoken earlier of your friendship with your wife. It is in situations like this that such a friendship can become very important in preserving your relationship. My wife and myself were good friends for seventeen years before we became lovers. She has a very volatile temper, she is very strong willed and says that I am, and we fight like cat and dog on occasion (verbally), but the friendship has at least to date always carried us through. I obviously can't speak for any situation but my own, but both of us have a substantial degree of insecurity which gets brought to the surface in situations such as we are considering, and identifying areas of concern and working to provide reassurance to one's other half seems to me be the best way forward.

When we were moving forward into marriage, I tried to 'come clean' on my sexual past, although I did not then have as much understanding as I have now, and I was particularly concerned about my homosexual hookups. I didn't get very far along before she stopped me. She said that she believed that excessive frankness over one's sexual history seemed to be destructive rather than otherwise (which has indeed been the case with at least two ex-couples that we know well), the past was the past, and made me agree that if either of us strayed from then straight and narrow we would as far as possible keep it to ourselves. To the best of my knowledge and belief neither of us has ever been unfaithful.

Recent developments in my life have of course raised a whole new dimension that I felt I had to address, but somehow although there has been significant disclosure, the discussion never seems to get very far, a nd I tend to get comments like 'you've already told me that'. The 'Dear Abby' column that I've previously referenced had her agreeing with the position of the wife being advised. She does play with my breasts, sometimes rather roughly, and the other morning leaned over, bit one of my nipples through my shirt, and when I yelped she smirked. I don't think that she is really comfortable with what I'm doing, but is not going to object so long as I don't force it down her throat or move too far towards transition. How does that have a bearing on your situation? Perhaps you could take the line that you understand her discomfort and you're not going to force anything down her throat nor are you about to do anything that will really change the status quo, but there were some things you thought she deserved to know and you needed to tell her.

Probably useless advice. but the best I can come up with - and the friendship is such an important factor.

Hugs from Annie (rather than Hannibal which is what my grandfather suggested I should be christened).