[MissC]

MissC, you misunderstand. I don't think there's anything wrong, but the fact is, there is a mismatch. The mismatch causes the dysphoria. You can say it shouldn't, but it does, and those who suffer from it deserve to be treated for their condition, if possible, like any other congenital "defect".

Unless I am greatly mistaken, the part there in bold is directly contradicted by the rest of your post. I'm pretty sure that's what that arrangement of words means, so it appears to me to be cognitive dissonance.

Help me out here with what I'm misunderstanding....

What I'm trying to tell you, and everyone else, is that it's all just a bunch of nonsense. It probably started as one crossdresser's excuse to his wife as to why she caught him in her undies. Gender uh... dis... dysphoria... hah that's it! Then the joke got picked up and run with, added to the DSM, and lo and behold, profit for the shrinks! I'll bet a fresh Benjamin that's how it happened.

For crying out loud, why can't people just be honest with themselves, let alone each other?

But the "experts" tell you sweet little lies, and you believe them. They explain you, don't they? Isn't that what you're striving for, answers? So you jump on the first answer bandwagon that comes by... one that doesn't sound as clinical as "transvestic fetish disorder" or whatever "GID" used to be called.

I don't have a disorder. I've never had a disorder. But let me tell you, I've been through a very large part of the same stories other people tell, right here on this forum. I am not so different. I've walked through hell. If I told my story to a shrink, I'm certain I'd be "diagnosed" with "Gender Identity Disorder". I'd get myself some prescriptions for pills and a permission slip to have my genitalia surgically rearranged.

Because my mind and body weren't matching? Genital mutilation is the solution?

Wrong.

Getting your head straight is the solution. It may not be easy to do... changing the mind, changing one's worldview -- no small tasks. But ya know what? It's much easier and healthier than the alternatives.

Was there something wrong in my mind? Yep. There was a lot of baggage as a result of a religious upbringing. There's no recognition of what I am(two-spirit) in Judeo-Christian dogma. That's it. That's all. I wasn't born in the wrong body, or with the wrong set of junk... I was born into the wrong church. I'll bet that's what's behind over half of you here.

There are people who can help one fix this. But the gatekeepers of the drugs and the surgeries are not the healers of minds. When all you have is a hammer, every problem is a nail.

I dunno... I'm probably wasting my breath. Most people would rather pay doctors and pop pills than to do the work of healing themselves.

[GoneGirl]

In your original question you stated: "If I was proud to be a man, what is it exactly, that I could be proud of? ... This kind of set the stage for a feminist-like "what are men good for" bashing of the male sex that I found very distasteful.

I see what you mean. I've always said that written communication can be risky because it lacks facial expressions,tone, inflection and body language - this statement of mine is a perfect example. When I said,

"IF I was proud to be a man..."

You, and who knows how many others, took it to mean, "I'm NOT proud to be a man and I can't fathom why anyone would want to be either." When in reality, I was saying, "I WANT to be proud to be a man, can you help me?"

Same string of words, huge difference in meaning. Sorry for the confusion & glad we cleared it up. I don't want to be at odds with anyone here especially a good-hearted person like you.

Dear Kari,
Understood. No hard feelings.
Hugs,
Clara

[MichelleM]

Last week was eye opening for me. So many things were laid bare before me, even as I was fighting off intestinal flu. It was a useful week in spite of having to run to the loo every hour.

I took a close look at myself -- my feelings and my actions last week and came to better understand that I have a strong male gender identity along with a significant female identity. Lately, my female identity has been given full rein, and she has taken it. Sammie's outing brought dreams of doing the same even though that idea would never have crossed my mind a couple of months ago.

It's perfectly reasonable that one side or the other of one's gender identity is going to take over at various times. What happens during a crisis at your house? Do you as the man, as the husband, jump in to take control and bring things back to normal if possible? I have always been that way. That's my male personality taking over, and I'm proud of that. I can be unfeelingly calm and rational in those moments, sometimes unthinkingly aggressive, but the job gets done. My wife loves that about me, by the way.

Last week, feeling sick and somewhat helpless was a small crisis that evoked some of the same kind response from my male side; thus my more aggressive, challenging, and critical demeanor at home and on-line emerged somewhat. Hey, what can say? That was me.

My restarting this, the Gender Dysphoria thread, the other day was in response to what I now think is some reverse gender dysphoria that I have been experiencing. I have been suppressing my male identity a lot lately in the whirlwind euphoria of finding my female side at long last. I have gone too far down that path and have to back off some to try to restore a healthy balance.

What I've just described was extremely important for me to understand and acknowledge. On any particular day, one side of my gender identity or the other will take the lead. Inevitably, both will be unhappy with their status. One day I want to be more feminine and resent my masculine qualities, but then on another day I see my feminine side as taking away many of the masculine qualities that I have built a life with. There's no complete resolution to this competition, only a delicate standoff -- a compromise to give and take in equal measure or whatever balance is right for me. That balance is still mine to establish, but I think I came closer yesterday in the point-counterpoint on Kari Leigh's thread about what's good about masculinity. I found myself becoming upset with some of the posts that really offended my male identity. The offense was personal for me, and it made me realize that I have enough male identity that it just can't be discounted.

Is this good news for me? Well, yes and no. Part of me is jealous of the other part of me and vice versa. This is the conflict we gender variant individuals have to deal with day in and day out. Based on stories that have been posted over the years, I'm sure many of you, too, are experiencing some of the same misgivings.

To minimize this unsettled sense of who I am is going to take some doing. I'm nearly through 5 months of NBE and 7 or 8 months since I discovered my crossdreaming nature. I'm still looking for that "best fit" gender expression.

Today, I feel mentally very good. I think it's because I've moved back closer to that magic point where neither my inner man, nor my inner woman are hurting. That's quite a revelation to me. I think I can use this experience to help find a sustainable mental peace.

Your comments are welcome. I promise not to bite your head off.

Hugs (and a hearty handshake),

Clara (and that other guy)

I know I'm coming very late to this party , but wanted to go back and throw in my two cents on this.

A few weeks ago, I posted the question of whether stress could elevate T levels, because I was behaving as my "old self". In looking back, and in light of this post, I'm inclined to think it was just my masculine persona stepping up to handle things as I always have, maybe nothing more.

With this all still being pretty novel to me, I'm still getting used to thinking that I've got these two personas, and it's not unusual for one to take charge if it feels it needs to. The trick is to try to keep that dynamic balance (dynamic because it's constantly changing) between the two, right?

Michelle

[Samantha Rogers]

Michelle, I think you are absolutely correct honey. There is an ebb and flow back and forth between the two, and it does depend so much on what is happening and all the myriad factors and influences that we face each day. Sometimes one facet will dominate for weeks or months or just seconds, before switching back to the other or somewhere in between. The human brain is the single most complicated object yet discovered by man. We, none of us, have yet quite begun to figure it out.
But in regard to some of the other comments made here recently, I am put in mind of an old Jimmy Stewart movie called Harvey (a play before that). If you do not know the film it is well worth watching as it is completely charming in a way films seldom are anymore.
The main character is an eccentric man named Elwood P. Dodd, with 6 foot tall invisible rabbit named Harvey. At one point Elwood (and you should picture Jimmy Stewart saying this...) observes the following:
"Years ago, my mother used to say to me --
she'd say, 'In this world, Elwood, you
must be --' She always called me Elwood.
'In this world, Elwood, you must be oh,
so smart or oh, so pleasant.'
Well, for years I was smart.
I recommend pleasant.
And you may quote me."


Hugs

[GoneGirl]

I know I'm coming very late to this party , but wanted to go back and throw in my two cents on this.

A few weeks ago, I posted the question of whether stress could elevate T levels, because I was behaving as my "old self". In looking back, and in light of this post, I'm inclined to think it was just my masculine persona stepping up to handle things as I always have, maybe nothing more.

With this all still being pretty novel to me, I'm still getting used to thinking that I've got these two personas, and it's not unusual for one to take charge if it feels it needs to. The trick is to try to keep that dynamic balance (dynamic because it's constantly changing) between the two, right?

Michelle

Michelle, I know that you and I have similar backgrounds and experiences. We both became consciously aware of our female gender identities late in life. It's not like we were aware of this side of our personalities all along, and elected to fore go taking action for the sake of our families, careers, etc. That part of us only made its presence known subconsciously in ways that often interfered with our quality of life.

For me, that's a clear signal that our female genders are not dominant. We will always be kind and sensitive men, and live as such on a daily basis. But, having concluded that, I'm not saying that our inner woman can simply be ignored. It's best to acknowledge it, discover her need for expression, take steps to create a safe, guilt-free environment within which she can be fulfilled. We owe it to ourselves to do that.

Any ongoing, but lessened, discomfort will be the consequence of the compromise we have to accept as bi-gendered. Speaking for myself, Clara will always strive to be a better woman physically and emotionally, but she will be held back by immovable barriers like my male physique, my age, and the expectations of those I love and have committed my life to. She will be frustrated at not being able to seek validation through public acceptance of her existence. And yet, if I were to give in to all of Clara's demands, I know that my inner man will raise a fuss equally loud and insistent.

It's almost like I'm married to two women. I've learned to live with and love my DW. Our marriage has stood the test of time. Now I'm tasked with doing the same with my IW (inner woman). Wish me luck, and I'll do the same for you, Michelle.

Clara

[MichelleM]

Sammie and Clara,

Thank you for your replies! And, Clara, of course I wish you good luck!

(In reading my OP, too, I realize now that I didn't make it clear that I was talking about me (who today thinks I am probably bigendered) and folks like me, so it probably doesn't apply to everyone here.)

Michelle

[GoneGirl]

I was going to post this on Sammie's thread -- Outrageous -- but realized it totally missed her intent for starting the thread. It seems to fit here much better.

I tried to recall something in the past about my CDing and TG nature that would be outrageous in a humorous sort of way, but came up empty. The fact is, the outrageous events and happenings that stemmed from my GID were not things that I'm at all proud of, and prefer to forget about. It speaks to the very heart of gender 'dysphoria'. We use that word so often, its meaning has been diluted, like the word 'awesome' in the general parlance. In so many ways 'dysphoria' is synonymous with 'nightmare' for me, and it's to escape that nightmare that I'm engaged in herbal rebalancing of my hormones to better align with my gender sense and find mental peace.

I thought that was true of most of us, but when I stop and think about it, I'm not sure it's true. There are a lot of lurkers on the bio-male sub forum, so it's not easy to get a clear picture of the motivations of the membership. Certainly there are some who have progressed past GD, or who never felt the curse at all. Some want to feminize their bodies to better match a dominant female identity for a full or partial transition. Some are 100% male-identified that simply want breasts for personal reasons. Some find that their erogenous zones are focused in the breast/nipple area and want to enhance a pleasurable experience.

I'm curious what others think. How severe is/was your GD and how much does that play in your reasons for being here?

Clara

[SarahSchilling]

I just bumped this thread because I find it to be the most interesting one on the forum that I've seen in my time here. Getting nostalgic I guess...post 1000 will do that to a girl.

I was like what was that thread where everyone poured their hearts out?...and found this. I can't believe its only been about 3 months!

I'm so happy I found this site. It really has made a big impact on my life, looking back. I love all of you, even MissC. *tears up*

LOL, forgive me...

[flamesabers]

I just bumped this thread because I find it to be the most interesting one on the forum that I've seen in my time here. Getting nostalgic I guess...post 1000 will do that to a girl.

I was like what was that thread where everyone poured their hearts out?...and found this. I can't believe its only been about 3 months!

I'm so happy I found this site. It really has made a big impact on my life, looking back. I love all of you, even MissC. *tears up*

LOL, forgive me...

I somewhat remember when I reached the 1,000 post mark. I'm thinking more about reaching the 2,000 post count now. Out of curiosity, how much of these 1,000 posts were you still using that plantation goat for your avatar?

[sexy_lexi]

You are all such strong inspiring people. I nvr frel alone wen im reading things on this site.

My story:

For as far back as I can remember ive hated wat it meant to be a boy. I hated standing up to pee, not being allowed to look pretty or express my feelings. To this day I hate having a penis. The only time I felt like me was when me and my mother would watch grease. I was free to indulge in musicals with my mother cus she had no girls and loved the company.

When I was 8 I started spending time at my grandma's house and hanging out with my uncle. Ive always had a bit of junk in the trunk evn at tht age. My uncle's friends (16 at the time) were talking about this girl who lived up the street and all the things they wanted to do to her. One day I was playing on the floor and one of them took a liking to my butt and had a talk with my uncle and the rest of his friends. The very next time my grandma went to work his friends invited me to play hide and seek. I was then taken to a closet by two of them and "played with". Im ashamed to say it but I liked it, I liked it alot. They were twice my age. Later I found out my uncle traded basketball cards in exchange for some alone time with me. The boys called me by the girl down the streets name. They began talking to me like and treating me like a girl. Not just any girl either a girl the liked a lot a sexy girl. For 2 summers this went on and I was eventually phased out for real girls.

Years later I would watch lesbian porn imagining I was one of the girls. I became aroused and moaning was instinctual for me. I nvr had interest in hetero porn.

Years later I had my first experience with a girl and beyond oral sex I had no idea wat to do. I was 13 and 3 yrs her junior. She was very weirded out by my moaning and by the next morning the whole school knew. To put it in perspective there was lots of ooos and ohs and uhs and thry all came from me. From then on I started denying my femininity.

Years later I was diagnosed with schizoeffective disorder. I couldn't tell anyone tht the voice I heard was a woman berating me for living my life as a lie. She loarhed me for shutting her up, keeping her hidden. My depression got so bad I ended up locked away for a few months in a psych facility. After being released I was to heavily medicate myself in order to "function" . The girls voice became louder and louder until I finally bought myself a pair of panties.

I cry every day when I look in the mirror. I cry in the shower when I have to wash my body. When I have to touch...."it". My depression gets worse every day. Some days im so suicidal I just want to kill myself in the hopes of being reincarnated as a girl. Sometimes I twist "it" so hard it turns black and blue or bleeds. I used to burn it by heating a spoon on the stove and pressing it to the skin. I can only receive pleasure from sex from imagining im the woman or being degraded and treated like a slave, being dominated.

Fast forward to now. Ive had 3 stints in the psych, im a father of 2, I went off my meds cus they interfered with my ability to parent (per doctors orders), my fiancee knows about "kayley", my mom knows and so do some friends, ive got a bag of girl clothes and makeup I wear after the kids are asleep and ive gotten my eyebrows threaded. Im making preparations to start transitioning into a woman. Ive started a diet and nxt month ill buy the supplements I need. I have some boobs and butt and curves from fat but I so desperately need to be a girl. It's all I think about. Its become an obsession and why not? Its as if im a princess cursed at birth by an evil sorceress doomed forever to be made to believe everything I am and everything I want to be is wrong. Well I don't want to be what society sees as "right" anymore. Im tired of being jealous of my fiancee's tits wishing she could fuck me for a change. If I cant stand being a man. I hate myself so much. If I don't change soon ill most likely die.

Thanks for listening.
Besitos
- kayley