Shop for herbs and other supplements on Amazon


Month 2 update

#1

Hey everyone, I dotot post much, but read on this site almost every day. I just finished month two. Let's see.. Where to start.. The nipple pain went away, but sensitivity has been pretty intense. I've started to wear wife beaters under my t shirts because it's become really apparent over the last month. I have, for the most part been taking 3,000mg of PM, and 720mg of SP extract. I went from completely flat chested to about a handful. If I reach across my chest, I rub against them every time.

As for my mood.. I haven't raised my voice since right around the time I started PM. My anger has been simple to control. I have noticed an accumulation of fat around my stomach, but I haven't gained weight. Been about 150lbs since long before starting. However, my pants have shrunk over the last month to the point where I have to really pull them up to clasp them shut.. Pretty awesome!

No tears yet, but am ready for them..

You all are absolutely amazing and I am so happy to know that I'm not alone. Thank you for being here!
Reply
#2

It's so nice to hear from you again, Katrina (is it okay to call you that?). From what you write, you're making good progress in a very short time. That's fantastic! It does get more and more difficult to hide those perky buds! I ordered one of those compression shirts to flatten my nipples a bit. I expect that will get me through the summer when thin shirts are in order. Do you plan to post pictures at the Pictures Pages sub-forum?

Clara Kay Smile
Reply
#3

You are not alone, honey! You have a whole forum full of sisters.Tongue
Glad things are moving for you!
Reply
#4

When I posted that, I was in a bit of a rush. Thanks for the responses. I am sorry i didn't respond earlier. I actually post all of these from my phone. I try to proof read them but as we all know, editing on a mobile device is not easy. I don't post here much because I was asked not to by my wife. I won't post pictures because I also was asked not to by her. For those of you that don't know my past, my wife was completely against me starting on PM, dressing up and anything feminine.

My thoughts have been very weird lately.. Since this is my thread, I'm just going to say more random, short thoughts that I am thinking in hopes I can try to understand how I really feel.. And maybe some of you can relate. Maybe I'm posting this for myself, or maybe I'm feeling like I only have people in this group that somewhat understands how i feel.

Sam, please don't take this as something negative, but when you wrote "You have a whole forum full of sisters." I kind of got scared. Like, I have been thinking about that line ever since. I don't consider myself a girl, nor do I feel like i really "belong" here. I read everything you all post and I have been able to see your individual personalities. I see that most of you actually have a female persona, I don't. I see myself as a male, feel like I'm a male and I don't know.. I guess that's just not me. If that makes sense. I hope I don't offend by saying that. I don't know where I'm going with this.. I know there are different levels of GD, I still don't know where I fall in that.. Maybe the black and white I thought i believed is more gray than I could've imagined.

Switching gears, I used to sneak and dress up when my wife would leave for the store or whenever she was out of the house, and I'd always focus on creating cleavage. Whatever I threw on didn't matter as long as I could simulate natural cleavage. By the way, I'm just realizing this now, as I type.. I spend a ton of time developing different devices to push my skin into certain positions and I got very good at it. But as I have mentioned in the past, I didn't start on PM because I wanted breasts. I wanted to control my anger issues and I associated my anger with high levels of testosterone. So, when I started reading here that some of you had a calming effect, it seemed that I was on the right path. So, looking back I'm wondering if I was only wanting to take this for the mental effects or did my horniness have other ideas? I honestly don't remember. Maybe I'll go back and read my first month.

Something I'm dealing with right now that is confusing is that for the last week I've been feeling an immensely increasing urge to dress up, I've been getting the morning jingles and tingles and the thought of masturbation has come back. I've been on a regular regimen and haven't missed hardly any, none in the last two weeks. I can feel myself on edge and ready to snap, and feelings of anger and holding grudges has returned. I hate feeling this way, and it had all gone away for the last few months. Maybe my body has gotten used to the PM and SP.. I don't know. My chest hasn't hurt for a month and a half or more and I can't hardly feel any buds anymore, unless I press hard i just feel fatty tissue.

I was in target today with my wife. I wanted so badly to go to the women's section and buy something, but felt uneasy about it and not an aisle seat, I turned and went to checkout without a word to my wife. Standing in checkout, I was made at her for not picking up on my non hints. I have also noticed that.. I've always been a VERY direct person. Not known to beat around the bush. But I've been doing these ridiculous "hints" to my wife. And getting upset when she wouldn't pick up on them saying she doesn't care about me.. Freaking odd..
Anyway, if any of this made sense, feel free to chime in. Thank you again to both Clara and Sam. You've helped me more than you know.
Reply
#5

Hi Hurricane,

First, no need to apologize, honey! Its all good and you are welcome here regardless of how you identify. The sister thing is mostly because most us us do identify that way to one degree or another.
I am sorry to hear you are distressed. Having an unsupportive or antagonistic wife is a real downer, I know.
Let me try to address some of what you said, because I have some questions and some thoughts.
First, the tingling and chest sensitivity will come and go... it is always scary once you get used to having it, and then see it go away, but it will come back. I might try upping your SP for awhile and see if that helps.Smile
You say you don't identify as female but you have urges to dress. GID comes in many flavors, honey, and it is not always comfortably stable.
What follows is my story, and take it for what it is, one story... but I don't think it is all that uncommon. If it is useful to you, then great, if not I am sure someone else will have another story that may be.Tongue
Many of us, myself included began dressing as an outgrowth of a sexual need we did not understand. I used to think dressing was a sexual fetish for me in what was otherwise a purely male life. I used to think that. Rolleyes
Thinking that was comfortable in a weird way because once I had "finished" I could happily pack away my "tendency" and forget about it until the next time. And it was fine while I had plenty of out of town trips and plenty of opportunities. Sure, the "act" sometimes was followed by extreme revulsion, and purges. In between, my urges were sublimated into other compulsions that were not sexual but were still compulsions. I wasted a lot of time, but in retrospect I just wasn't ready to understand myself. Then two things happened.
One, my out of town trips became much scarcer. And two, I discovered this site and to offset the inability to dress as often, I began taking PM. And for a couple of years or more, PM kept me sane. My compulsions were controllable, though a I still ran off to watch porn and masturbate.
But then the combination of PM and the later addition of SP, slowly began to take its toll on what was a very high level of T. (by the way, I have periodically noticed that if I have been off SP for awhile and resume it I will sometimes get an actual boost in "horniness" upon resuming SP...odd... maybe Lotus can explain that...tee hee). My libido slowed down, diminished and finally disappeared. But I was still on this path... why...? I began to literally feel more female, and the train began to move. The more I reduced the T, the more I began to understand that the need to dress was not a sexual fetish at all, but part of a larger GID that had haunted me my entire life.
And finally, within just the last few months, I started putting all the pieces together, and I came to realize that indeed there is a female component to me and she will not go away, and the older I get the louder she gets, and it is NOT a sexual thing. It is a GID. When it is denied, the anxiety causes me all manner of difficulties... irritableness, scattered, unfocused thinking etc. She will not let me sleep until I embrace her. So that is what I am finally doing. And I am happier than I can remember being in a very long time. I am becoming whole.
Now certainly, sweetheart, your story may be quite different. There are a million stories. But when I read so much of what you wrote, and please forgive me... it sounds so very very much like things I might have thought myself as recently as just a couple of years ago.
You can stop taking PM. You can assure yourself that PM and SP and whatever, is making the situation worse and if you stop it will go back to "normal". Maybe it will. Only you can determine that. But something brought you here... right? And something drives you to dress...right? There is something going on in you, baby....and you need to figure it out and accept it and do whatever you need to do to make yourself "whole".
That's the golden ring we are all looking for.
Being whole.
Being happy.
Just be aware that you really have only two choices. You can push it all away and pretend it isn't there, but you and I both know it is not likely to go away... right?
Or you can follow the path and see where it leads... and there is no telling where that path will go.
Sorry.
Your fate may not be the same as mine or Clara's or anyone else's. It will be yours.
Scary, huh?
But, it does have hope. It has a lot of hope, and a lot of potential.
And you know what... that other path?
That other path is death, honey... metaphorically speaking, at least.
It is the death of hope.
I know what I would choose.Wink
I am here if you want to talk. I listen pretty good.
And I always answer pm's.
Let me rephrase what I said before... you are not alone. You have a lot of friends here.
And we get it.
Hang in there sweetheart.
Hugs
Reply
#6

(10-03-2014, 12:16 AM)Samantha Rogers Wrote:  (by the way, I have periodically noticed that if I have been off SP for awhile and resume it I will sometimes get an actual boost in "horniness" upon resuming SP...odd... maybe Lotus can explain that...tee hee).

Less testosterone being converted into DHT equals more free/total T in the bloodstream? DHT is responsible for a lot of undesirable male traits, like body/facial hair, body odor, and fat distribution, but I've never read that it has anything to do with sex drive. I think that has more to do with free/total T.

Sorry to crash the thread. My story is a lot like Sammie's btw, minus the need for trips to dress. ;p

Reply
#7

Hi Hurricane,
Sammie's post is a tough act to follow, and I concur with everything she's written. I have had very similar experiences throughout my life. But I'll add my own response for what it's worth to you.

You're on the rough unpaved, pothole strewn part of your journey; things can get very confusing at this stage. Expect lots of bobbing and weaving as things progress. Most of all, keep your chin up, things will improve.

The return of the edginess and angry moods, the desire to masturbate, the loss of breast soreness and growth buds after what looked like your program was working so well is not that unusual, but at 3000 mg of PM, your breast growth should be in full swing. Have you changed PM or started on a new supply of PM recently? There's no guarantee that a new bottle of PM will be as effective as the last.

Have you tried to vary your dosage or taken a cold turkey break? Your body may be counteracting the effects of the PM. Shaking things up can sometimes help get things going or back on track.

Your recent symptoms indicate that your T-levels are still quite high. You may have high T-levels naturally. Ever had it tested?

You say you have a strong male gender identity. Maybe so. Just be aware that adding estrogen to one's body in that case can cause more mental distress, as your body is starved for T. That doesn't seem to apply to you, but it might become a factor if you find you do not suffer from gender dysphoria, but dysphoria from other causes.

Your desires to crossdress could be a sexual fetish, rather than gender identity expression. I'm not saying it is, but you should know of that possibility. Is the crossdressing always associated with erotic sensations? If so, it doesn't mean you are a crossdresser fetishist. My early crossdressing was all focused on sexual arousal, but no longer.

It's hard to say what the best course of action is at this point. If I were in your position, I would try varying my program, but if you do, be patient. It takes time for things to work. A brief bounce to 3500 or 4000 mg of PM might tell you something. Be sure to distribute the dose over the day to avoid kidney stress and other possible bad reactions. Back off if it doesn't feel right. I'm not crazy about SP as an anti-androgen, it can work for or against you, so I'd try something else like Spearmint leaf in capsules or as a tea. I use Pygeum from Swanson's. The FAQ lists others.

As Sammie said, we're here to help you as much as we can. I'll extend to you an invitation to PM me, as well.

Good luck, hon.

Clara Smile

Reply
#8

Wow.. Okay, so as for my wife, she's been extremely supportive. Almost unrealistically supportive, BUT I think it's me that's holding me back. Her not wanting me posting on here is more about the taboo of it, and she wants to make sure it isn't a sexual fetish or some sort of replacement for porn. Which I understand, but I don't know how much she realizes I need to talk and get advice, and how much help I've received by reading on here and hearing stories like above.

I probably just need to talk to her again.. As for growth, I'm definitely growing, it's been a lot faster than I thought it would, but not feeling the pains and the T feeling like it's coming back makes me think something's not working.. I am taking 3,000mg PM/day and 960mg SP extract/day. Been doing PM that way since day 1. I started the SP about a week later and haven't changed. I get headaches if I take the doses too close together.

I haven't had any liquid come out of my nipples for over a month, but the small creases on my nipples always have like dry white stuff in between the cracks, even right after a shower.

Dressing up seems like a fetish that I enjoyed until I finished then was fine putting it away until the next time I needed it. If I was ignored for a few days by my wife, I'd need to dress up. Although I'm pretty confident if I could have done it all day every day, I would have. But I'd just feel guilty afterward.

After posting the above, I thought about target today and how I didn't make it to the department before just leaving the store.. And I started thinking about the last time I looked in my closet at my guy clothes.. I thought how boring they are and how amazingly awesome girls clothes are.. The layers and the contests and beautiful colors.. Why isn't every guy jealous??

Anyway, have to run, will check this when I get home tonight. Again, thank you all for everything.
Reply
#9

"Dressing up seems like a fetish that I enjoyed until I finished then was fine putting it away until the next time I needed it. If I was ignored for a few days by my wife, I'd need to dress up. Although I'm pretty confident if I could have done it all day every day, I would have. But I'd just feel guilty afterward."

I hate to be this way, baby, but this sounds so much like me it hurts...

The breast feelings will come back... I promise. You may just have a weaker bottle of PM this time ( I believe the bottles vary wildly in potency).

Here is a question... when you dress... what is that like for you...? Try to strip away the sexual tension and see past that. When you dress do you turn away from the mirror or do you look in the mirror and see a woman looking back? If so, what is she saying to you? You don't have to answer on here but think about it, OK?

Hugs
Reply
#10

(10-03-2014, 12:44 AM)SarahSchilling Wrote:  
(10-03-2014, 12:16 AM)Samantha Rogers Wrote:  (by the way, I have periodically noticed that if I have been off SP for awhile and resume it I will sometimes get an actual boost in "horniness" upon resuming SP...odd... maybe Lotus can explain that...tee hee).

Less testosterone being converted into DHT equals more free/total T in the bloodstream? DHT is responsible for a lot of undesirable male traits, like body/facial hair, body odor, and fat distribution, but I've never read that it has anything to do with sex drive. I think that has more to do with free/total T.

Sorry to crash the thread. My story is a lot like Sammie's btw, minus the need for trips to dress. ;p

Sarah is absolutely correct, Testosterone is responsible for sex drive, for Testosterone to promote youthful sexual interest it must be freely available to cell receptors. As we age T becomes bound to serum (blood) globulin. The component that renders free testosterone inactive is called sex hormone binding globulin (SHBG). This means your getting a double whammy of interference with sex drives in aging males,

1) Testosterone being bound to serum globulin (blood)
2) SHBG rendering it inactive

So that means estrogen takes it place!

Imagine if we knew more about Testosterone, we would find out that a reduction of free T also causes depression. Does anybody remember this statement?-High serum levels of estrogen also trick the brain into thinking that enough testosterone is being produced, further slowing the natural production of testosterone.

High estrogen can shut down the normal testicular production of testosterone. Aging men sometimes convert testosterone to estrogen. For testosterone to produce long-lasting libido enhancing effects, it must be kept in the "free" form in the bloodstream. It does not matter how much serum free testosterone is available if excess estrogen is competing for the same cellular receptor sites.


I wonder if I had been diagnosed years early for low T and they knew to test for free T would I be micro-managing my GD today?
Reply



Shop for herbs and other supplements on Amazon





Users browsing this thread: 1 Guest(s)


Shop for herbs and other supplements on Amazon

Breast Nexum is a participant in the Amazon Services LLC Associates Program, an affiliate advertising program designed to provide a means for us to earn fees by linking to Amazon.com and affiliated sites.


Cookie Policy   Privacy Policy