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I did talk to my wife about getting an appointment last night. She's an RN by the way. I had no idea it was possible but she (and Clara above) informed me about requests I can make to keep certain information within my medical records on a need to know only basis. Asking that it not be listed as one of diagnoses it one way but the info can also be password protected (at least in the system my clinic uses) so medical staff would need serious credentials to view it. It's given me to peace of mind I needed to agree to go see a professional. It's strange because on one hand, I don't really care who finds out, but on the other, I DON'T want others to know. Maybe it's a, "how they find out" or from "who" that I want to maintain control over. It doesn't even make sense to me.
An interesting offshoot from the conversation is that it instantly conjured up memories of a time when my wife was treating a transgendered person who was less than pleasant, not passing well and irritable about the pronouns being used by the medical staff. It revealed a fear that my wife has that if I have SRS, I'm going to turn into an ugly, grouchy, attention grabbing, gender mutant. I desperately hope someday I can have SRS (she says "maybe") but I reassured her that I always want to be her husband and that no one would have to know I discarded my penis. Basically, the best description I can come up with for myself, POST SRS is, I want to be a Tom Boy. Female underneath but still enough of the old masculine facade to keep others comfortable. I want to be content with myself and my body image and could care less what the world around me sees, thinks or knows. If they want to pigeon hole me as a male, that's fine with me so long as I'M content with what's underneath my clothing.
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I hope Janet wont mind me piggybacking on her thread but I outed myself to my clinic today. The Psychiatrist I was advised to see takes all kinds of patients and is "full" but also trying to develop a niche for transgender's. So I had to write a letter about myself and fax it to them before I will be allowed to see him. I wasn't nervous at all probably because I've been contemplating this for close to a year now. I don't feel like I NEED to see him (thanks in part to this wonderful community) but to satisfy the powers that be and get permission for SRS (someday maybe), I kinda do need to go through the proper channels. So a full disclose page of info about my lifelong feelings, herbs and meds I'm taking was consumed by the fax machine about 2 hours ago. Time will tell if this is the guy or not.
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Good luck, Kari.
Clara
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Good luck, Kari ..
No I don't mind, I feel honered if my thread pushed you a little bit. If it didn't, heck I'll take it anyway ..
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Well ... A quick update ..
I had the " Talk " with the wife last night. As can be expected, it was a little tense. She rightly feels betrayed, lied to, and let down. I am not the person she thought she was in love with. She expressed feeling that if I start looking and dressing female, she would not be able to handle it. It was a civil discussion, were I was able to tell her some stuff from my past that she had not heard about, that part hurt her the most, that I had kept this secret from her all these years. Although, admittedly she would not have married me if she know the whole issue from the beginning. so now she feels I trapped her.
In one hand I feel relieved that I have told her, in another I am apprehensive for the future. Overall I feel very self centered and selfish for bringing my wife into my problem.
Im sure that you girls that have gone through the same process know exactly how I feel right now, needless to say, i`m presently at work but my mind is definitely not on the game.
We normally text each other most mornings, especially if I take the motorcycle in, she did that this morning very concerned that I got here ok, and she was thinking of me.
If there was a pill to make this feeling of "wrong" go away, I would take it. My marriage, and my family and their happiness is more important than anything else.
You girls are the best, I have a strong suspicion I will get more help and understanding from this board than I will from any psychiatrist.
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I know EXACTLY how you are feeling right now, Janet. The next couple of weeks are going to be uncomfortable. But, the ice has been broken and, hopefully, understanding and forgiveness will follow. Stay calm and keep the lines of communication open. Good luck, honey.
Clara
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As far as trapping your wife goes, I think it's fair to say that most, if not all of us married TGs wanted to lead the life of a normal man, get married, start a family, etc. We most likely had little understanding of our gender identity confusion at the time. I can remember since quite young being told that all men have a feminine side and an inner child, but that we learn how to hide it, so I assumed the way I felt was normal, and certainly didn't preclude my pursuing a traditional family life. If I 'trapped' my wife into marriage, it wasn't with false pretenses. She understands that now. If any of this rings true for you, Janet, I would put the guilty feelings away.
Clara
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I did see a psychiatrist in my early teens, its a long story but it was a court appointed one, after getting stopped by the police in my fathers car ( No license, No insurance .. ect , dressed up with makeup. ) I was the old farts last case before he retired, so you can imagine how much help I got from the meetings. I did not intentionally trap my wife, but I have known about my issues since a very early age, but I am very guilty of trying my damnedest to bury those feelings and live a normal "male" life.
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Yeah, that's the story of my life, too. It's so hard to want something very much, but not be able to get it no matter how hard you try. Eventually, you just run out of energy and have to be who you really are. Most of us have secrets from the past that we want to forget. I don't think it's always a good idea to be an open book, even to one's spouse. It's a tough decision to make sometimes.
Clara
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This always makes me nervous when this topic comes up. I just cringe when I hear someone "had the talk" with their wife. I'm glad you've done it Janet and I'm confident it's the right thing to do but I'm worried for you because it's so unpredictable how it will turn out. I think a lot depends on how strong your relationship wass before you dropped the bomb. No doubt this will shake the foundation but I hope and pray that you'll come through this stronger and more intimate than before. I can say for myself, that full disclosure has brought my marriage to a deeper level of intimacy and although I had a hunch that would happen, it was scary as hell for a while after and I WASN'T sure it would turn out this way. Thank God it did! It doesn't make the GD much easier but at least I don't have the burden and guilt of keeping a secret from my most precious friend.
If I were in your shoes, I'd be reassuring her that being transgender doesn't necessarily mean you are transitioning. I know it's a fine line and some here will disagree saying that what we are doing (NBE) IS transition but even if they're right, the degree to which you choose to transition is undefined at the moment. The popular misconception of a MtF transgender is a bearded, non passing dude with a deep voice who snaps at people who use the wrong pronouns. That would be embarrassing for any wife. Maybe you will, maybe you wont but reassure her there is time to discern the future and nothing is going to happen too fast for her. My wife is concerned about how far I'll go too but a "happy place" is starting to come into focus for us. One thing I decided to do for the sake of our relationship is to let her set the pace. I came to the conclusion that I would let my wife be in control of "my transition", if she's not comfortable with it, it ain't gonna happen. She's OK with NBE & HRT for my mental well being for which I'm very thankful but pierced ears, clothing and ultimately SRS are at her discretion. As long as I can pass as the male in our relationship I know we'll stay together. It's pretty unconventional in our binary world of male or female, stay as you are or transition 100% but I think it can work. It's one of my biggest reasons for talking to a psychiatrist. Hopefully he can help us navigate our way to a win win compromise like I've described. I've never heard of this the type of scenario anywhere but maybe I can be a pioneer and create a new model for transgender marriages. Maybe you can join us. On the other hand, maybe I'm way off and haven't got a clue how it is for you and your wife (probably the case) but I just want to encourage you and let you know that I'm pulling for you (as is everyone here I'm sure). Hang in there.
