[Marina Kits]

So, I had a mind bending weekend. On Friday evening, my wife and I, for the first time ever, attended a support group for couples where at least one partner is in transition. Pretty crazy huh? It's a little different that the customary groups for family of transitioning persons in that the TG person is there, but the focus in on the NON-transitioning partner AND the relationship. It went well for both of us, a bit to my surprise, but it's a huge time and mileage commitment so we probably wont make it every time they met.

Saturday morning was not so easy. My beloved wife wanted physical intimacy ...but I couldn't do it. I was emotionally overwhelmed by the thought of it. Physically, I wanted so badly to bless her that way but emotionally I couldn't bring myself to, "be a man for her". We haven't been physically intimate for a couple months and I was dreading the day it would come up again. Literally, it tore me in half. I was trembling and out of control emotionally. Neither of us understood immediately what was happening but she lovingly held me until I began to figure it out myself and gathered my composure enough to vaguely explain it to her. She said we'd work through it and that it was OK while holding me close. Ultimately her compassion for me overwhelmed me with love for her and we were able to be together in a very special way. She is starting to "get" me now and see the real me behind the illusion she has known for all the time we've been together. She even said that the thought of GRS is growing on her and our love for each other supersedes any physical alterations that might be in my future. That's a huge step forward but she still isn't comfortable being perceived in public as anything but a traditional couple. And if that's what she wants, it's my privilege to honor her wishes. ...Interesting how her love for me would allow me to have GRS but my love for her would prevent me from doing it.

Then Sunday night, we hosted a small group marriage enrichment gathering in our home. The topic was how men and women perceive things differently. Men, according to the speaker, have blue hearing aides, megaphones and glasses while women have pink ones. When a message is sent through a pink megaphone and received by blue hearing aides (and vise versa), chances are good that there will be a misunderstanding. It's really good stuff but the ironic thing is that we, who are leading the group, are a lot more like two women than we are a husband and wife which is what all the other couples are. I have to "pretend" to be a male to facilitate the group. I'm pretty good at it so it's actually kinda funny. My wife and I did the same course several years ago when I was in complete denial about my gender issues and pretending, quite successfully, that I was a guy. This time however, I can watch it as my true self. It should be pretty interesting to say the least.

[GoneGirl]

Kari,
I can see the course of your transition parallels my own, though at a slower pace. Your wife is experiencing a transition as challenging as your own. If your relationship is strong, your gender orientation ultimately is not going to matter. The trick is to overcome the fear that grips us at every step of the journey. I wish you well as you both work through these issues.

Hugs,
Clara

[Samantha Rogers]

Kari, this was a beautiful tale and thanks for sharing, sis. It is apparent that the love you and your wife share is deep and real. I am sure many of us are jealous that you (and Clara) have such amazing SOs. I have seen enough to know it is a rarity. I am so happy for you. I am sure with such strong devotion the two of you will survive the ups and downs yet to come.
Hugs, sis.
Big hugs
I am so happy for you. :-)

Sammie

[Marina Kits]

Thanks Clara and Sammie. Sammie, you dislodged a comment from my memory that one of the couples at the Couples in Transition group brought up. They stated it as fact, and it might be but there was no supporting documentation, only hearsay. She said that the notion that most couples will come unglued during transition is something of a myth. In fact, in relationships like Clara's and mine where the male is transitioning to female and the result is a female / female couple, the odds aren't too bad. When a single transition happens within a same sex couple, the odds drop and the worst case scenario is when the resulting couple is male / male.

As for my relationship, believe me when I say, I don't EVER take her for granted. I KNOW how blessed I am to have the girl I do. I wish everyone could have someone so loyal as Clara and I have.

[AnnieBL]

Kari, I too would thank you for sharing your own and your wife's finding of a way through the woods of your transgenderism.

I have been amazingly fortunate in the attitude of my O&O. She has been for more than fifty years my one and only true love, and I am coming to believe that the essence of the love we have for each other is independent of sex or gender, even though those may have helped us build and strengthen it. In our case our relationship was built first on friendship and shared experience, much of it before any physical relationship entered the scene. As soon as she grasped the implications of my transgender nature, she insisted that we go forward to tackle its implications in full partnership, despite the problems for her.

Our physical lovemaking had never been more than partly dependent on my male function, so the destruction of the latter that had already occurred had been less of a disaster than it might have been. The absorption of my transgender emergence into the situation has been producing new and evolving perspectives for both of us within our overall relationship. It has all the same withstood to date the stresses to which it has been exposed without undue signs of strain.

Hugs

Annie

[Samantha Rogers]

Kari, I actually hope what you say is true. My admittedly subjective experience speaking with and listening to many transwomen (and crossdressers) has not shown that to be the case. I have seen many examples of marriages foundering over trans issues and only a comparitive few where the marriage has survived. Still, looking at that experience hopefully, it is always possible that those whose marriages dissolve under this weight stand out because the carnage of the imploding marriage leaves behind two emotionally needy people destined to clamor for sympathy and affirmation whereas when the opposite occurs and a marriage survives we generally do not hear its success being broadcast. I don't know, but I suppose the more hopeful view is more attractive, both to those in the throes of transition and to those who attempt to assist them.

[GoneGirl]

I think it is also very important for the wife of a transgender to realize that she is not alone. Even a devoted spouse will pull back under the threat of social disapproval and isolation.

Annie, I noticed a marked change in your wife's outlook toward your transgenderism after she and my wife had a long telephone conversion this summer in which my wife's positive attitude eased some of the apprehension that J was feeling. Suddenly things didn't seem so threatening.

The wives of members of our Chi Chapter support group are encouraged to join along with their trans husbands and meet other wives who have 'survived' their husbands' coming out. Kari, is probably already seeing the benefit to him and his wife by participation in the support group he mentioned for the non-trans partner.

I totally agree with you, Kari, about not taking your wife's understanding and acceptance for granted. The wonderful thing about transitioning with HRT is that you are likely to become a more valued mate to your wife. The normal man-woman sexual relationship will suffer, though, so other forms of intimacy need to be found that are mutually satisfying.

This is a great thread, Kari.

Clara

[flamesabers]

Kari,

It's good to hear you and your wife are gaining a better understanding of each other in regards to this matter.

[Marina Kits]

I got "mistakenly" called a ma'am today at the post office! I say mistakenly because she called me ma'am and very quickly reversed her greeting and apologized claiming she said it without really looking at me first. ...I'm not so sure, I was next in line for several minutes and there was ample time for her to "notice" the next person she would be serving. Sadly I didn't actually hear her say it, only the apology, so it took me a second to understand what happened. Had I realized it sooner, I probably would have told her I don't mind being called ma'am at all but the moment was gone before I knew what happened. Anyway, I'm THRILLED that, even if subconsciously, something told her I was female.

[GoneGirl]

I remember the first time I was "ma'am'd". I felt like I was walking two feet off the ground for an hour. It happens all the time now, but I still get a thrill hearing it. And how about having the door opened for you? It's the symbolism, of course. A confirmation of having passed as a woman.

If people could look into your heart, Kari, you'd be ma'am'd everyday...LOL.

Clara