I began my own journey of gender self-discovery/acceptance by introducing myself to the theory of autogynephilia (AGP). I read papers by Anne Vitale, Ann Lawrence, and even Third Way Trans blog author who won't identify himself. I drew hope learning about the influence of testosterone on producing mental anxiety in some people. I labeled myself a 'crossdreamer' early on, searched for coping strategies, devoured the writings of Jack Molay, and resisted any notion of transitioning. I took Bryony's approach of trying to deal with the physiological component of my gender dysphoria by carefully adjusting T/E balance, etc. etc. For me it was a desperate attempt to understand a complex and poorly researched field of medicine and psychology.
With the help of this website, I discovered for myself the debilitating effects of testosterone on my mental well-being. Right there I realized that I was not a normal male. Normal males don't hate testosterone. It was poison to my system, and driving it out of my body was instrumental in ridding me of compulsive, self-destructive behavior and mental discord.
If that was the end of it, I'd have been okay maintaining the way of life I'd been living for 66 years. But it wasn't the end. Under the influence of estrogen my body and mind began to transform. Estrogen is powerful in its own way, and I felt that power taking over. I was frightened by it. I understood the impracticality of gender transition for someone my age and body type. I understood the risk of losing much of what I've built my life around. The fact is, that although I had never been happy with a male body or comfortable with my sexuality, estrogen amplified those misgivings. It was all too clear to me that parts of my brain that lay dormant for decades were coming "on line" under the presence of E. I had an innate capacity to act, think, feel, and want to be female. I began to express my female gender in different ways, including dressing in women's attire for the first time in my life. Call it what you will, it was real, and couldn't be ignored.
More than that, I didn't want to run from it. The idea of going back to living as a male was not even a consideration at that point. The problem I struggled with was how could I cope with feeling female while having a male body that didn't match well to my developing gender identity? That sense of incongruity was becoming an increasingly serious source of frustration and anxiety which I assumed was another component of my gender dysphoria. What became obvious to me was that I was transsexual, not autogynephilic, not fetishistic. My male gender identity had been constructed over the years since birth, while my female gender identity was innate but never allowed to develop.
I'm not arguing against a "Third Way" solution to a transgender condition. I'm sure it could be a workable compromise for some. What I am saying is that one shouldn't put too much hope in the concept as an answer when transition is really what's needed. Transition late in life forces one to make some very hard choices. All I'm saying is that one should not make those choices under any illusions that there is an easy way out.
Clara
With the help of this website, I discovered for myself the debilitating effects of testosterone on my mental well-being. Right there I realized that I was not a normal male. Normal males don't hate testosterone. It was poison to my system, and driving it out of my body was instrumental in ridding me of compulsive, self-destructive behavior and mental discord.
If that was the end of it, I'd have been okay maintaining the way of life I'd been living for 66 years. But it wasn't the end. Under the influence of estrogen my body and mind began to transform. Estrogen is powerful in its own way, and I felt that power taking over. I was frightened by it. I understood the impracticality of gender transition for someone my age and body type. I understood the risk of losing much of what I've built my life around. The fact is, that although I had never been happy with a male body or comfortable with my sexuality, estrogen amplified those misgivings. It was all too clear to me that parts of my brain that lay dormant for decades were coming "on line" under the presence of E. I had an innate capacity to act, think, feel, and want to be female. I began to express my female gender in different ways, including dressing in women's attire for the first time in my life. Call it what you will, it was real, and couldn't be ignored.
More than that, I didn't want to run from it. The idea of going back to living as a male was not even a consideration at that point. The problem I struggled with was how could I cope with feeling female while having a male body that didn't match well to my developing gender identity? That sense of incongruity was becoming an increasingly serious source of frustration and anxiety which I assumed was another component of my gender dysphoria. What became obvious to me was that I was transsexual, not autogynephilic, not fetishistic. My male gender identity had been constructed over the years since birth, while my female gender identity was innate but never allowed to develop.
I'm not arguing against a "Third Way" solution to a transgender condition. I'm sure it could be a workable compromise for some. What I am saying is that one shouldn't put too much hope in the concept as an answer when transition is really what's needed. Transition late in life forces one to make some very hard choices. All I'm saying is that one should not make those choices under any illusions that there is an easy way out.
Clara
