[Sofia Bunny]

So for the most part I kind of keep to myself, and I really don't expose myself to people. Life experiences has just shown me that it is just better that way. At least that's what I tell myself, and that is what makes the most sense to me.

I doubt there is one person that really knows me, or understands me. Of course that is my own fault, as I choose very carefully what I want people to see.

It is highly possible that rooted in this is the desire to fit in, and be accepted. But to fit in and be accepted usually means some form of normality. Well there goes that, I am no where near what society has deemed normal. What is normal is constantly changing, and varies by groups. So how can anyone possibly be normal if it is in constant variation?

So to me normal is a matter of opinion, and the only opinion that should matter the most is your own. I know this, so why then do I still fear exposing who I am, and still choose to expose bits and pieces?

Of course that just leads to further questions. How can I possibly expect to find any true acceptance if my true self is unknown? I am not even sure I know what my true self even is. So many years spent on shifting and adapting to fit in and be accepted. Besides, what real person would even want to accept me as I am? I mean it's one thing being here on this forum, and being partially accepted, but it's just not quite the same.

I do say partially, because as with all things, I really haven't opened up completely. This post will probably be one of few instances where I have opened up more than what I would normally. I am still not even sure I want to post it anymore. Looking it over, it feels like I am just complaining and whining about my personal identity issues, and being a burden to this board.

I guess a part of me is wondering if PM will have any affect on my mental stasis. Will I finally find me, and accept me for me. I suppose there have been some changes. I started this journey in part seeking self gratification. I already knew my nipples were erogenous to me. I wanted to expand that further. So just dove right in, head first. I tend to do that so I don't give myself a chance to change my mind. Okay, not exactly the smartest of things to do. When I started I was under the notion that I had some bi-sexual tendencies, but preference leaning heavily more so with females. I just connect mentally and emotionally easier with females than I do with males. That has been the case for me as far back as I can remember.

Now, well my sexual desire has dropped dramatically. It's actually quite nice, as it was proving to be quite a distraction to me. Too much self gratification and not focusing on more important matters. So it's rather welcoming. Unfortunately I think I may have become a bit more emotional. Something I had long since bottled away. I found that I inadvertently connected mentally, and partially emotionally to someone. Of course it's not real, how can it be real? It's all in my head, it's my over active imagination seeing things that are not really there. Perhaps I am just being over zealous. I guess that's bound to happen when a bottled up emotion falls and shatters.

Needless to say not only am I confused but I am struggling to figure out who, or what I am? I still don't believe I have any desire to transition, but finding that balance, emotionally, mentally, and physically is weighing heavily on me.

I am glad that bottle broke, it freed a part of me that I thought was gone. I think that perhaps it will help me solve the riddle that is me. Then maybe I will be whole again, and not try so hard to fit in by twisting and bending myself for others.

So one bottle down, I wonder how many more to go? Ha ha. I am not really expecting much of a response from this. Hell, I am not even sure it will be read. Decisions, decisions... still not sure I should post this, not sure it even makes much sense. Too many thoughts in my head, all fighting to get out at once. I guess I will, I can always edit it later, but if I think too much about it, I'll just change my mind.

[ElainMoria]

Hun we all go through these struggles to one degree or another. I have come to realize that finding who I am, and what I want out of life is more a process of pealing back the layers of various desires and working through each new self discovery. The only advice I can give you is don't be too hard on yourself. Embrace the now and let the tomorrows worry about themselves.

~Elain

[Sofia Bunny]

Hun we all go through these struggles to one degree or another. I have come to realize that finding who I am, and what I want out of life is more a process of pealing back the layers of various desires and working through each new self discovery. The only advice I can give you is don't be too hard on yourself. Embrace the now and let the tomorrows worry about themselves.

~Elain

Thank you for the comment and feedback. Yeah, I suppose you right. I just don't think I was ready for being re-exposed to emotions I had secured away. It allowed me to brush everything off, and just not care anymore. Yeah sure it was a false security, sure eventually I may have had a mental breakdown, but sometimes ignorance is bliss.

What's done is done, and for better or worse I may be closer to sorting myself out I suppose.

[pom19]

First of all I did read your post. All I can say is that I don't think you need to fit in a society that is so judgmental, I am not, and I don't want them to know what I am doing, because they do not have the faculty to understand me, and they are not interested in Truth any way. So, I follow my bliss and find the beauty within, at the ends that's all that matters-inside feeling. Blessings on you, POM

[Naomiko]

Hi Fire and Ice,

Thank you for posting. I'm sure there are quite a few of us that can appreciate where you're coming from. Not quite connecting to those around us, not being understood fully even by those that are "closest" to us, wanting to be accepted by the circle but at the same time not wanting to be part of it. Floating on the outside like a silent satellite in an all too distant orbit.

We withdraw deep within ourselves -- it's safer that way -- less painful for us, and more comfortable for others. Protected deep in our shell that, ironically, makes us a shell. Our castle doubles as a prison. Of course, it's natural that a part of us wants to tempt fate and reach beyond the gate, to feel a connection.

But they will never understand. We are islands unto ourselves, separate and out of reach from the mainland. Surrounded by a sea of judgements, superstitions, and labels. Labels from others and from ourselves. If we look deep within and drain away and dispel the labels, judgements, and superstitions...we discover that we are not islands but mountains.

And no matter how distant our orbit, we are all connected at the click of a button.

I'm sure I'm not the only one here who will say that, if you need to reach out and share things that are weighing upon your mind -- whether in forum or in private message -- please feel free to do so. Even if it's only a matter of getting your thoughts out and sorting them on paper (so to speak).

Here, you are accepted and supported for who you are, what you are, as you are.

I hope some of this makes sense and helps. Sometimes when I feel the chill of isolation, I also like to listen to a couple songs *breaks into a musical song and dance routine*! Sorry, couldn't resist. But seriously, the lyrics in the linked songs help a bit.

Take care and smile often. You can't always change what people say and do, only change how it affects you.

Lisa Lougheed -- Run With Us

KISS -- Crazy, Crazy Nights

[MissC]

How can I possibly expect to find any true acceptance if my true self is unknown? I am not even sure I know what my true self even is.

If you could see yourself with the eyes of others... you would discover that you don't have a (singular) "true self" at all. You are a different person to every single person you know.

To each one you know, you are a sum of the experiences they've had with you, and the conversations they have with other people about you, plus the filled-in gaps. You are a bit player in the movies that are their lives.

It's funny... everyone thinks he's an island.

Besides, what real person would even want to accept me as I am?

Only the people who like you and want to keep you as a friend. If you don't have any of those, get some.

[Man2breasts]

I know from my personal life.
I tend to be different with different people, I show what person I am to that person.

[Marina Kits]

I doubt there is one person that really knows me, or understands me. Of course that is my own fault, as I choose very carefully what I want people to see.

You're here and you're talking. That's a really good move and I'm guessing it's more than you've done in the past right?

It is highly possible that rooted in this is the desire to fit in, and be accepted. But to fit in and be accepted usually means some form of normality. Well there goes that, I am no where near what society has deemed normal. What is normal is constantly changing, and varies by groups. So how can anyone possibly be normal if it is in constant variation?

I JUST came to this realization last week. Whatever your perception of normal is, I promise you it's only "normal" because you can't SEE what makes it ABNORMAL. If you THINK you're normal, step outside of yourself and have a look, you'll quickly realize that it's anything BUT normal.

Of course that just leads to further questions. How can I possibly expect to find any true acceptance if my true self is unknown? I am not even sure I know what my true self even is. So many years spent on shifting and adapting to fit in and be accepted. Besides, what real person would even want to accept me as I am? I mean it's one thing being here on this forum, and being partially accepted, but it's just not quite the same.

You're discovering yourself. YOU ARE! You DON'T have to know yourself to be accepted by others, just BE yourself and those who like what you are will be drawn to you. Eventually, you wont have to pretend to be anyone anymore.

Looking it over, it feels like I am just complaining and whining about my personal identity issues, and being a burden to this board.

You're NOT a burden to this board!!! You MAKE this board work by posting

I guess a part of me is wondering if PM will have any affect on my mental stasis. Will I finally find me, and accept me for me. I suppose there have been some changes.

Isn't this post PROOF that it is working??? You're processing thoughts and putting them in print. You're identifying feelings and discussing them. THAT'S progress. That's PM at work (for many at least)

I started this journey in part seeking self gratification. ...Now, well my sexual desire has dropped dramatically. It's actually quite nice, as it was proving to be quite a distraction to me. Too much self gratification and not focusing on more important matters. So it's rather welcoming.

ANOTHER result of taking PM. You're not being led around by you're lust (sorry that's a bit strong but you get the point). That will help you see things more clearly.

Unfortunately I think I may have become a bit more emotional. Something I had long since bottled away. I found that I inadvertently connected mentally, and partially emotionally to someone. Of course it's not real, how can it be real? It's all in my head, it's my over active imagination seeing things that are not really there. Perhaps I am just being over zealous. I guess that's bound to happen when a bottled up emotion falls and shatters.

And yet ANOTHER result of taking PM! You're FEELING your emotions! That's good! I'm guessing there are MANY emotions and MANY tears to come - EMBRACE THEM! They are painful but in the end, you'll feel much better!

Needless to say not only am I confused but I am struggling to figure out who, or what I am? I still don't believe I have any desire to transition, but finding that balance, emotionally, mentally, and physically is weighing heavily on me.

There's no need to think about transition now. IF that becomes necessary, it's far to far down the road to worry about now. You won't be the first person to gain a mental benefit from taking PM and that might prove to be all you need.

Best of wishes to you Fire & Ice! I'm glad you hit POST!

[The First Aria]

Fire, your post has put into words, that I suspect, is difficult for most to even acknowledge. Let alone the guts to put it out.

Congrats, looks like you may be on the road to recovering your humanity, if not more things.

[Sofia Bunny]

Thank you all for your responses, I appreciate it very much!

First of all I did read your post. All I can say is that I don't think you need to fit in a society that is so judgmental, I am not, and I don't want them to know what I am doing, because they do not have the faculty to understand me, and they are not interested in Truth any way. So, I follow my bliss and find the beauty within, at the ends that's all that matters-inside feeling. Blessings on you, POM

Yes POM, you are right, I don't NEED to fit in. It truly is not a necessity. It is just the desire to fit in with those around me. I suppose to be accepted no matter what differences in thoughts and opinions. Perhaps that's asking for too much.

Hi Fire and Ice,

Thank you for posting. I'm sure there are quite a few of us that can appreciate where you're coming from. Not quite connecting to those around us, not being understood fully even by those that are "closest" to us, wanting to be accepted by the circle but at the same time not wanting to be part of it. Floating on the outside like a silent satellite in an all too distant orbit.

We withdraw deep within ourselves -- it's safer that way -- less painful for us, and more comfortable for others. Protected deep in our shell that, ironically, makes us a shell. Our castle doubles as a prison. Of course, it's natural that a part of us wants to tempt fate and reach beyond the gate, to feel a connection.

But they will never understand. We are islands unto ourselves, separate and out of reach from the mainland. Surrounded by a sea of judgements, superstitions, and labels. Labels from others and from ourselves. If we look deep within and drain away and dispel the labels, judgements, and superstitions...we discover that we are not islands but mountains.

And no matter how distant our orbit, we are all connected at the click of a button.

I'm sure I'm not the only one here who will say that, if you need to reach out and share things that are weighing upon your mind -- whether in forum or in private message -- please feel free to do so. Even if it's only a matter of getting your thoughts out and sorting them on paper (so to speak).

Here, you are accepted and supported for who you are, what you are, as you are.

I hope some of this makes sense and helps. Sometimes when I feel the chill of isolation, I also like to listen to a couple songs *breaks into a musical song and dance routine*! Sorry, couldn't resist. But seriously, the lyrics in the linked songs help a bit.

Take care and smile often. You can't always change what people say and do, only change how it affects you.

Lisa Lougheed -- Run With Us

KISS -- Crazy, Crazy Nights

You paint a very vivid picture Lananonymous. I think posting on here did actually help out quite a bit. At least it's somewhat comforting knowing I am not really alone. On a more positive note, yesterday while I was working I had my headphones on and listened to song after song. I forgot how soothing that can be. I can't remember why I had stopped doing that. Thank you very much for your thoughts and insights.

If you could see yourself with the eyes of others... you would discover that you don't have a (singular) "true self" at all. You are a different person to every single person you know.

To each one you know, you are a sum of the experiences they've had with you, and the conversations they have with other people about you, plus the filled-in gaps. You are a bit player in the movies that are their lives.

It's funny... everyone thinks he's an island.

You bring up an interesting point which does add to the complexity of it all. For each person I encounter their experience with me is based upon what I let them see. What I let them see is what I think they want to see. So that truly does lead to many me's, with the possibility that none are really me. You can't hurt what you don't really know. Even back in school days I always shifted my personality based on those around me. Why? So I could fit in and be accepted. I don't know why I feel that it is so important to fit in and be liked. So it does look like I am in the situation that I am in because of my own doing.

Only the people who like you and want to keep you as a friend. If you don't have any of those, get some.

I don't have really good experiences with friends. Those that I thought were friends usually only were my friends when there was something I could do for them. Others that I thought were really good friends seem to have vanished. Those were people that knew me very very well. Knew how to read me, and understood me very well, and vice versa. I don't know what I did, what I didn't do, did I open up too much, did they out grow me, what? I don't know, and never did get back an answer. This does not provide much incentive for opening up. So I struggle in doing so. While I haven't given up yet, it is unfortunately for me a painful process due to personal experiences. So finding a good friend is hard to find, and much easier said than done.

I know from my personal life.
I tend to be different with different people, I show what person I am to that person.

Yes Man2breasts, I guess I have somewhat done the same. I suppose I just need to stop trying so hard to fit in and let the chips land where they land. Ha ha, easier said than done.