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I'm really sorry about this...

#1
Sad 

First I must apologize for this, but I have no one else to share this with and I'm at my wits end. Secondly, I'm not an unstable person, and would not do something drastic. With that being said...

I have come to a realization, happiness is but a dream, it is not real, and it is time for me to wake up. I'm deluding myself that I will ever find peace or obtain happiness. That is just not in my cards. Never had the desire for me to have never been born been stronger than now. At least that way I wouldn't being going through any of this, and there would be no chance of my potentially hurting anyone else.

So I tested the waters today, much further than I've ever gone before. I so badly wanted to talk about what I'm going through, I wanted to be able to have someone close to me know and understand what I'm going through. The desire and urge was so strong. It's the longing to be open with someone, someone like me. But I don't know anyone else like me. I know, I know Tanya, I'm sure there are others, you've already proven that. That's completely beside the point, I don't have it here. I don't want to go to a group, I just need someone like me to connect with that understands.

Oops, went off on a tangent, focus... Right so I was folding my clothes when the Mrs. came home. I didn't bother hiding my panties since she already found them. She gave me a hard time about them, and I argued back that I had been wearing them for a while. She said it was different now because these are ACTUALLY women's underwear. I told her that they were just a lot more comfortable and I really liked them. She said in an ugly tone that I was trying to become a woman. I told her she wasn't this vocal about it before when I wore slinky male underwear. She said that was before, when I didn't look like I had breasts. I said and what's wrong with that? Is that really so bad? I told her that are plenty of worse vices I could have. I'm not a drunk, I don't do drugs, I don't beat on her or the kids, I'm for the most part a good person. She didn't say anything after that. I felt a bit bad for instigating the situation so I went to give her a kiss. Of course she complained cause she had just put on her lipstick, so I went to gently kiss her neck. She told me to stop, I asked why, she said because I'm wearing women's underwear. I said seriously and I stormed off.

She tried to be sorry about it, but the damage was done and I shutdown. Defenses were back up, and I was cold as ice. I stayed that way for the rest of the evening. She tried to be all sweet and loving to me, but I wouldn't let go of the pain from earlier. Things are okay again, like they always go. Back to status quo of sorts.

So I fear she will never understand, she will never fully get me. Which isn't fully fair because I get her, I understand her, I know her inside and out. Because that's what I do. I observe and learn. I'm pretty good and picking things apart, it's probably what makes me pretty good at my job. But after all these years, she still hasn't bothered to learn me. Sad

So I ask myself, is it fair for me to hurt her like this? Is it fair to hurt my children over this, is it fair to hurt my parents over this? Probably not. I mean, honestly, I didn't even fully understand me. I knew I was different, I knew I was not like everyone else, but I figured that maybe it was just all in my head. Maybe I am just a tad bit looney.

I fear I am approaching a crossroads, and a decision will have to be made. Do I continue and pursue my happiness and deal with the consequences when they arrive, or do I nip this now, and forever be alone in my own imagination without a friend in the world who knows me, understands me and accepts me for who and what I am. Unfortunately I fear it to be the latter. My happiness I may have to forgo, but like I said, it is just a dream, one from which I must awake. I sure could use a shoulder to cry on right about about now... guess my pillow will have to do. Screen, is really fuzzy now... Guess it is time to sleep. Goodnight all, see you in the morning.

Sincerely,

Fire And Ice
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#2

Fire,

I'm really sorry you got a bad reaction, but it's pretty common, unfortunately. There is no way for anyone to advise you, because each of us is different and every wife/gf is different, so all we can do is offer our support and understanding.
I'm tempted to say sit down and talk to her calmly, but until you know what you want for yourself, that approach could make things worse. So bottom line is you need to decide where you want YOUR life to go before anything else. One thing is sure, now the genie is out of the bottle you can never get her back in permanently ( maybe for short periods, but thats all), so whatever you decide will have to work with that.
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#3

Hi fire

What has she said about your growing breasts over the last few months ?

Is it just the panties thing

Some women are good with breasts but not panties, sounds odd but true

Hugs

Julie

X
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#4

Dear Fire

I have been following your posts and hadn't intended to comment as it seems you had a good dialogue going with others here. But reading this post broke my heart and I just have to say something.

Firstly, you have no need to apologise. We may be geographically spread around the world but we truly are just the other side of the computer screen too. YOU... ARE... NOT... ALONE.

Secondly, HUG! And not just a polite and very British touch and release. A full blown wrapping of the arms, getting squished together and never letting go hug! I mean it too! :-) They don't call me Huggy for nothing you know ;-)

The problem is that when you are in the middle of the maelstrom it's so hard to see a way out. And one thing is sure, you are in the middle of a storm! But storms do eventually calm. I promise, they really do :-)

I have spent the entire morning writing and re-writing what to say next. Some of it was really good too! ;-) But I suspect what you need most of all at the moment is not advice but to simply know that you are not mad! You may be coping with crazy stuff but you are not mad. And you are not alone... there are many many others that have gone through and are going through similar agonies. And as far away as this idea may seem right now, things do work out.

You clearly love you wife and by the way you describe how she tried to be sweet to you (eventually) indicates she loves you too? You have spent many years of your life with her, and I am sure faced many battles side by side just to stay together. That in itself is precious and in today's world rather rare.

The fact she eventually responded seems to say that she hasn't given up, and I suspect you are right, she doesn't understand. But it is at least a foundation, a basis to build upon? I hesitate to advise, but perhaps when things are calmer it may be time to begin "that" conversation? It won't be just one chat but honest dialogue has to start somewhere?

Actually, I do have a suggestion. You have many friends here, why not practice what you want to say with one of us? Prepare yourself. Practice just how would be the best way to help her understand you? Perhaps in helping her understand, you may be able to help you understand yourself too? I am sure I speak for many here that we would feel greatly privileged to pm with you if you thought it would help.

And finally HUG!!!! Lotsa HUGGS! Big ones little ones and everything in between :-)

Huggy.
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#5

Sophia!
Your not alone with your feelings and your troubles for sure.
Just a couple of things:

Have you taken the SAGE test or one of the other gender tests?
For me this was a life saver, It told me that I need both male and female parts in my life to make me happy, and it has been very true. And a grat relief that Bob and Bobbi can live happily ever after in the same body.

It might be a good time to look for a gender therapist and have a chat about whats going on. And then get your wife to go.
Unfortunately This is not a condition that will ever go away. Be it crosdressing, or Transexual, its here to stay, so it must be dealt with.

You need a friend to talk with and we are all here to support you, however the friend you really need is your wife. Once she is on board or at least understands then there is a great load released. Trust me on that one.
Lastly you said in your post:
"I understand her, I know her inside and out. Because that's what I do. I observe and learn. I'm pretty good and picking things apart, it's probably what makes me pretty good at my job. But after all these years, she still hasn't bothered to learn me."

So use those skills that your good at and pick yourself apart. Its not as easy as it sounds, but give it a shot,
Lots of Hugs
Bobbi

(((((((((((((((((((((((Sophia)))))))))))))))))))))))
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#6

(28-05-2016, 06:43 AM)Pansy-Mae Wrote:  Fire,

I'm really sorry you got a bad reaction, but it's pretty common, unfortunately. There is no way for anyone to advise you, because each of us is different and every wife/gf is different, so all we can do is offer our support and understanding.
I'm tempted to say sit down and talk to her calmly, but until you know what you want for yourself, that approach could make things worse. So bottom line is you need to decide where you want YOUR life to go before anything else. One thing is sure, now the genie is out of the bottle you can never get her back in permanently ( maybe for short periods, but thats all), so whatever you decide will have to work with that.

Thank you Pansy-Mae, I was hoping a bit of sleep was going to help, while I don't feel nearly as bad as last night, I couldn't sleep worth a darn. Oh well, I guess with so much on my mind it was bound to happen.

What I want is to be whole, to be complete. As I get older, I tire of this facade of me. I have catered to everyone else's feelings but my own. I put too much thought and emphasis of what someone else might think, or how someone else might react, that I do my best to blend in with my surroundings, and the people I am with. I am but a chameleon blending in, so as not to stick out and risk getting hurt.

I've never felt so close to that realization of wholeness, yet seem so far away. It's just tearing me apart, and I am unsure how to proceed. How much am I willing to risk losing just to obtain some semblance of balance, inner peace and normalcy.

I heard this song last night, and it fit my mood perfectly.

Linkin Park - In The End
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#7

Fire

I see a lot of myself in your post, especially tired of the facade of blending in and worrying about everyone else's thoughts/feelings. Even my relationship seems to have similar ground.

I don't think I can offer any advice as I don't particularly feel as though my relationship will survive, only making inches of progress when there's miles to go. You know your partner best; how she learns and understands new information. What are her unspoken fears, concerns, and questions?

I can only offer my love, support, and understanding. But I'd like to also leave a list of links to sites covering relationships and partners.

I don't know if these links will help or not but they offer some different perspectives, questions, and insights. I'm also not sure of how you identify. Most of these articles are trans specific, I believe they may still offer some insights and helpful info.

I wish you the best and I hope everything works for the best!

Caution: Lots of reading ahead.

Transgender Universe: Can We Talk?

Transgender Universe: Her Side

Mom with trans-daughter and now trans-wife, says her marriage has never been better.

My Trans Partner

TransCentral: For Partners & Significant Others

First Time, Second Time: Thoughts for Partners

Crossdreamers: Resources for Partners

My partner/ boyfriend is transgender (Mtf). So what now?

Trans Partner Project

My Partner is Trans

Spouses of Trans Support Group

HRC Resources for Partners

Laura's Playground: Partners' Support Articles

Fetlife: Groups and Info for Partners

Sister House: Wives Speak Out -- (TRIGGER WARNING FOR SOME LETTERS)

GenderCentre: Trans Person in Your Life


PS: Group HUGS!!!! \o/
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#8

Sophia!

I want to add some sort of support for you feelings, I have been thinking about you all day. I will try later tonight or tomorrow to try and post something for you.

In the meantime, we all love and support you. Please don't feel like you are all alone.
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#9

(28-05-2016, 10:23 AM)julieTG Wrote:  Hi fire

What has she said about your growing breasts over the last few months ?

Is it just the panties thing

Some women are good with breasts but not panties, sounds odd but true

Hugs

Julie

X

Well she has taken notice to the breast that have been developing. I think what bothers her more is that I don't appear as manly. As she put it, men, excluding for professional reasons, do not normally shave their body. She also has not been too keen on playing with breasts or nipples, so I am partially thinking she really has no interest. I reminded her that she's told me in the past that she does have that curiosity. She completely denies it, but I remember. I remember everything. I may suck at remembering dates, and appointments, etc. but I remember conversations. I'm exceptionally good at remembering every bad thing I have ever done in my life. Talk about a burden. So I know deep down, she does have that level of curiosity, just not in me. I probably have to play things right and I can get what I want. I just don't want to because I feel it is a bit manipulative. As I mentioned, I know her inside and out, and if I so chose, I could force her to bend to my will. That's not what I want, it seems wrong, and just not a very nice thing to do. Plus it would be nice if she came to see things from my perspective of her own free.

I know she has never liked the "kinky" underwear that I used to wear in the past. I finally got rid of it all back in the day, and went back to basic boxer briefs, and was okay with that for a while. Unfortunately the urge and desire came back, and I took it further than I had ever done before. She told me, you know they make underwear for men of similar style, without the lace etc. and without it being WOMEN'S underwear. I told her, but they are not as cozy and comfortable. I told her that I had tried, and tried but I was unable to find the comfort and coziness that I had so far found with some of the women's underwear I had found. She gave a dissatisfied sigh, and that was the end of that. So I know that breaking things in little by little and allowing for her to adjust and accept, things will be somewhat okay. Sure, she won't be pleased with my choices, but little by little may somewhat accept the change. Perhaps I am pushing to much too quickly. I just need to tap into my patience and accept that perhaps in time all will be okay.
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#10

(29-05-2016, 12:36 AM)Fire And Ice Wrote:  .... So I know that breaking things in little by little and allowing for her to adjust and accept, things will be somewhat okay. Sure, she won't be pleased with my choices, but little by little may somewhat accept the change. Perhaps I am pushing to much too quickly. I just need to tap into my patience and accept that perhaps in time all will be okay.

Not to bust your chops, but wearing her down bit by bit sounds just as disingenuous as pushing her buttons.
I've certainly had the same thoughts, and used that method, at least unconciously... I think what sucks about it is that you are committed to lie, if necessary, to protect your true goal, becausing "minimizing" is sort of required, to get each step closer to what you really want.
Part of it, of course, is that we do that alot to ourselves... we fear, and yet are mesmerized by, a possibility that is truly within our grasp, so we wear ourselves down and take little steps, to bring ourselves closer to something we're barely sharing with ourselves.
Good and bad, we have to face the change we've brought on ourselves and those in our lives.

Doesn't mean there aren't paths where you both end up happy... maybe even happy with each other.

If you truly feel about her in a manner reflected by your post, and she reflective of what you described in her, you may want to consider therapy... but it kinda feels like that barn is already empty.
It may be that she can be talked into "acceptance", but is that all you want? Is that going to make her happy?

If what you want is a healthy committed relationship with someone who completely accepts and embraces who you are and may become, and you want her to be that person, then you could do a lot worse than tell her just that... then you can both figure out what's next together. If she rejects that, then you have an answer -sorry Sad

BTW: I don't fault or judge you, or her... I'm certainly no angel and definitely feel for the both of you. I'm still trying to find my own answers to the above, but I know I'm very lucky in my spouse. She's been great, but won't let me BS my way through. I would certainly benefit much from listening to my own words. Sad

-j
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