[Sofia Bunny]

such a lovely poem .

I see you are truly blossoming! *hugs* . In our own happiness, we find creativity, whether it be the arts or prose, or musical inclinations. our contentment and self exploration will lead to new avenues of discovery of self.

keep on girl keep on .. find you, find who you are. the last unexplored universe, the universe of self.

Well when you have so many enablers it just seems to get easier and easier. I think between work and home life, it tends to stifle my creativity. Perhaps I need to try and find time during the day or in the evening and let my creative juices flow.

[Sofia Bunny]

Hi Sofia,

I see someone else is using their chosen name for their user id. I guess I changed mine because I was finally comfortable referring to myself as Megan but whatever the reason for yours congrats!

I emailed my mom last night about things, so today could be interesting at least I am at work all day so can ignore her until tonight. I am interested to see if my theory about whether she knew at the point I think she did is correct or not. I just felt in that second like she knew something was different with me and it has kind of played on my mind since.

Possibly like you I dont know where things will end up longer term but I do feel better about things now, and having this forum has been helpful in coming to terms with who I want to be at least internally if not externally as well.

Stay safe and stay strong!

Megan

Eeek, that is amazing, I hope things go well with you opening up to your mom. I say my parents would disown me, but I think my mom would still love me. She would try to understand, unfortunately both of my parents are very... close minded. And for a lack of a better term can be quite ignorant. There are no shades of grey, just black or white. There's no Bi, no TG no in between. You're gay or straight, can't have it both ways. (Though their chose of words can be quite derogatory)

I still remember a conversation I had with my dad. He's very proud of being Hispanic "race", it always bugged because that's an ethnicity not a race. So I finally said something, told him technically we're Caucasian, boy did I ever regret opening my mouth. Still to this day he will bring it up with venemous animosity. So I can only imagine the lovely choice of words they would have for their eldest child. Oh and believe me, I've heard it all from them.

Sorry went off on a tangent, what I was trying to say is you're a brave soul and I am happy for you, and perhaps a bit envious as well.

Sounds like we're about the same age too. With deepest sincerity, I hope everything goes wonderfully for you.

P.S. In regards to my recent name change, it's partially due to some enablers here and in the chatroom.

[Happyme]

I may have to seek help in local groups if I am to figure things out. While it may risk exposure that I am not ready for, it may provide answers that I need.

Keep in mind, everybody in the group is just like you, no one is going to out you. Not if it means outing themselves.

I think the only glitch I see with a local group is finding the personal time to do so. Between work, and home, not a whole lot of free time. I now wonder if after I return home if all my progress will have been for not. The problem of an overactive mind, I think too much about the what ifs instead of just focusing on the now. And the now is I am happy.

Here is a thought. Look for a support group where you are traveling too.
There is an added level of anonymity, and you might muster the courage to dress for the meeting too.
Bobbi

[mimzy]

when my gf (now wife) found out, she and i got down to visit a public clinic then hospital to "sort" out the issue. to a certain extent, i was relieved that finally this problem can go away. it was quite an experience.
and it did for a couple of years.
then it came back, like a big storm.

over the following 15 years, i started with a panty, after much persuasion. till i wear a bra to work under my guy clothes with make up.
we used to shout at each other too. she even threw a chair at me before!

nowadays, she knows i enjoy doing it, but she doesnt really want be involved directly. I have also come to an conclusion i am really quite comfortable staying as a guy.
The best part she enjoys now are
1. shopping with her best gf (who is in guy mode)
2. grabbing my shopping as her property if it fits her size, which generally is just one size bigger.

nope, she doesn't always enjoy making love to another woman.
the other day, on the bus, i sat there looking at a girl dressed and behaving as a guy (which is prevalent and seemingly acceptable in my country), and asked myself if i will enjoy making love to such a woman. Immediately i find that repulsive, and stuck my tongue out.

my whole process took 15 years with lots of tussle in other life issues and i am glad we are still together. Very happy.

And she just gave me an earful on using breast cream last week. And she still say stuff like..
"why you can't be normal?
I am too tolerant of your habits".

Nah, I don't get as agitated by these kinds of statements anymore.

I always asked myself, why am i behaving in this way, why am i behaving in that way. A lot of times, i reached the same conclusion that she always reminds me...its because i am still thinking, feeling and behaving like a guy.

hope my sharing helps.

[Sofia Bunny]

Here is a thought. Look for a support group where you are traveling too.
There is an added level of anonymity, and you might muster the courage to dress for the meeting too.
Bobbi

That is true Bobbi, and actually I have, but so far I am too early, too late, or just missed it. It was actually in my search that I found the place where I had my makeover done in Denver.

This my last week out for work. I will probably be home for a while. Not sure when I will have to travel again. Guess I will have to wait and see. I am wanting to go back to Denver and perhaps get a chance to go out dressed!!

[Sofia Bunny]

when my gf (now wife) found out, she and i got down to visit a public clinic then hospital to "sort" out the issue. to a certain extent, i was relieved that finally this problem can go away. it was quite an experience.
and it did for a couple of years.
then it came back, like a big storm.

over the following 15 years, i started with a panty, after much persuasion. till i wear a bra to work under my guy clothes with make up.
we used to shout at each other too. she even threw a chair at me before!

nowadays, she knows i enjoy doing it, but she doesnt really want be involved directly. I have also come to an conclusion i am really quite comfortable staying as a guy.
The best part she enjoys now are
1. shopping with her best gf (who is in guy mode)
2. grabbing my shopping as her property if it fits her size, which generally is just one size bigger.

nope, she doesn't always enjoy making love to another woman.
the other day, on the bus, i sat there looking at a girl dressed and behaving as a guy (which is prevalent and seemingly acceptable in my country), and asked myself if i will enjoy making love to such a woman. Immediately i find that repulsive, and stuck my tongue out.

my whole process took 15 years with lots of tussle in other life issues and i am glad we are still together. Very happy.

And she just gave me an earful on using breast cream last week. And she still say stuff like..
"why you can't be normal?
I am too tolerant of your habits".

Nah, I don't get as agitated by these kinds of statements anymore.

I always asked myself, why am i behaving in this way, why am i behaving in that way. A lot of times, i reached the same conclusion that she always reminds me...its because i am still thinking, feeling and behaving like a guy.

hope my sharing helps.

Wow, thank you so much for sharing your story. I have a strong feeling that I would be in for something similar. I already get an earful that I'm not normal. Unfortunately I have never been normal, that's just who and what I am. Besides, being normal can be such a bore.

For now, I just continue putting off the inevitable. I can sense the storm brewing, and quite possibly the longer I wait, the worse it is going to be.

Again, thank you so much for sharing, definitely some wonderful insight and very helpful too!

[tanysquirrel]

enablers...here? naw hee hee

[Billie]

You both may have simiar needs. Tell her you want to do the chores in maid wear. Ask her to burn off her anger by wearing a strap on. The courage to get to the point and mesh romantically is key. You want role play you female her femanizing you.

Sorry, I had to reply to this before I signed off for the evening. Not much for dish washing, I did that as a kid by hand, and not particularly fond of it. The maid wear, well that could be interesting.

Unfortunately the Mrs. is pretty vanilla, we tried a strap on once, long ago, and it was nothing but complain complain complain. That it didn't feel right, not natural, pretty much made me a bit ashamed of the whole situation. She's not really much for role play, just not her thing, sometimes I really feel like I am stuck between a rock and a hard place. Anyways, just found this interesting, but it has been tried, unfortunately it was a disaster. Thank you Billy for your thoughts on this. Much appreciated.

My sex suggestions are never ending. How about you two groom each other. She has years of experience. You need practice. Also I have switched to pleasuring my wife more like a woman. Maybe use toys. If you need release ask for what you need maybe submissive bottom position.
I share my improvement shots of my chest. I also look so much better with improvement from pale hairy flat chest. Now my mocha skin and breasts are awesome. My wife tells me i look so much better. Maybe sell you improving looks to her. You look better she will like it.

[Dianna1395]

Sophia,

I will just say a few things from my perspective, they may or may not have any bearing on your particular problems.

I will probably touch on a few things already mentioned, but here we go.
I think its fair to say, although your SO seemed to flip out on the panties, I can almost guarantee the panties were not really the issue. The panties are a small thing, on top of everything else that is going on.

Our wives see the person they married slipping away. Yes, I know we redefine ourselves every few years, we are never the same person we were when we were teenagers. We change slowly over time, as do everyone else around us. We never notice those changes in ourselves, we hardly even notice those changes in others. But, the changes we ( as a group ) are going through end up being much faster and much more noticeable. For some, a slight feminine look, a softening of the rough edges is enough to quell the feeling. For others ( I am looking in my mirror here ) they need more. As we change, we feel more content, but our wifes ( unless we are very very lucky ) tend to go the other way. She will see her MAN being stolen by another woman, the problem is that women is her MAN. She is in turmoil, she still loves you, but wants so much to hate the woman you are becoming. If your already in a volatile relationship, this is going to make things even worse. Some times the pink fog consumes us, it ends up being a full steam ahead, because the feeling we get looking at our feminine selves causes us so much calm, we end up missing all the danger signs from our wives, until its just a pair of panties that causes a melt down.

I don't believe you mentioned if you had showed you wife the makeover pictures or not, but I know from personal experience that although my wife picked out my first set of clothes, my underwear, my shoes, and suggested a lady to help me with my makeup, she still had a melt down the first time I went to my support meeting as Jannet. In her words, the person she married ceased to exist when she finally saw Jannet.

Can you put Sophia away ? I am sure you can manage quite well for a few weeks, maybe a few months, but there is a chance this will eat you away from the inside. What I would suggest is that you slow down, give your wife time to catch up with your changes. ( The old saying " its far easier to boil a frog if you start the water cold and slowly heat it up, than it is to just drop the frog in a pot of boiling water." Springs to mind )

Does this work for everybody ? I cannot answer that. Only you can judge how things are progressing in your life. I know at times going slow will feel like its too slow ( for you ) but your wife will think your still going too fast.

One thing to keep reminding yourself ( I have to do this all the time ) when you have a disagreement, what is it over ? If its over Sophia, you really have to give her a little traction on that, going into a full blown argument over Sophia is not going to help either you or her.

Will she leave you if you continue, will you be able to live with your self if you don't, those are only questions that can be answered with time. Its almost 3 years since I came out to my wife, just after our 25th anniversary, ( timing was never my strong point ) I was not expecting to last the week, but here we are. Will we stay together ? Its hard to say, but we will try and last as long as we can.

Keep thinking positive, things are never as bad as they first seem. If she really hated you that much then she would be gone already. Remember, no matter how far you eventually go, nothing says you have to present as Sophia full time.

One thought, Do your kids know about Sophia ? If not, you may want to consider how you are going to tell them. ( I told my teenage boys 18 months ago, I am still Dad to them )

I know you do not seem interested in a support group, but you do not have to join one as Sophia, there are a few in our group who show up in drab, not everybody is ready to show the world the person we feel inside.

If you need somebody to messenger with one on one, I can send you my face book email.

Hang on in there and keep thinking happy thoughts.

Thanks Jannet, you've been quite helpful and I appreciate it. I must say all this back and forth in my head is enough to drive a person insane. *sigh* Time, patience, happy thoughts... Repeat...

I don't believe there is any undoing of the genie that has been let out of the bottle, if anything as time progresses, I want more. But I am riddled with guilt, it feels so selfish to want what I want. Then with society being so f'd up, and finding out just how narrow minded people can be I wonder if any of it is even worthwhile. I hear so much ridicule on the radio, and TV, and posts from "friends" on the antisocial network Facebook. Digging into those threads there are still sooooo many people that find TG, CD, GID, to be abnormal, somehow those are the deviants. When in reality they are just using that as a scape goat. Finding someone to put the blame on to give them what?? some sense of fulfillment in finding someone to blame??? Perhaps the path I am on is dangerous, it is re-awakening emotions and feelings I had long since shut out and suppressed. I am quite an emotional being and wore my heart on my sleeve completely exposed to the world, only to learn that there are those that would take advantage, and I would be left to be preyed upon. So I boxed everything up, which was an arduous task. Now it is all coming apart and I struggle at times to keep it all together.

I may have to seek help in local groups if I am to figure things out. While it may risk exposure that I am not ready for, it may provide answers that I need. So much to think about, so much to do.

Thank you Jannet for being such a dear and sharing your insight with me. It has given me a lot of think about.

Sofia,
You've made some amazing progress, while I've been too busy to respond and wonder at everyone's improvements....

I'm glad to hear things are going well, and to see the photos. ;-)

Things sound like they're going well. As for being "normal," Well, I polluted our forum with commentary on that elsewhere. Won't rehash, except that there's no such thing as "normal." It's just an average, and no one is actually there.

And I understand putting off the storm - I'm in similar situation. Hate the whole mess, honestly. I've been subtle, not-so-subtle, subtle as a freight train, direct, in writing, blunt, everything except say, "it's over, GTFO." You cannot control other people. How she reacts, regardless of when, is up to her. Don't take responsibility for her.

Part of the woman's counseling, if you're responsible FOR others, you end up trying to control them so they make the "right" decision. YOU end up stressed, wired, aggressive, angry, controlling, manipulative, and wiped out. So let that go.
You're just conveying information. How she responds is on her.

Doesn't make it easier, I know. I'm still trying to do the same with my own issue, I mean woman. ;-)

-Dianna