[Nikki9]

I ll prob be away for a bit I got some stuff to sort out. Had a bad thanksgiving my step mom and dad seem to be upset at me for my bad job for my dog for my life. And I didnt even get the chance to tell them about my life not like they seem to care at all. Anyways got some stuff to sort out. My step mom even went as far as insisting I don't come back for holidays.
Anyways gotta sort this shit out. it really hurts me inside but I felt like a third wheel there today go? ing threw motions and stuff.

Oh man, I missed this post, I feel so bad. I hope your able to work everything out with your family.  If you need somebody to talk to, you know where I am.

Well thanks all. Ive been thinking about this non stop to be honest.

So heres the thing. I havent had a great life. My parents when I was 8 or 9 divorced my mom took my two brothers and disappeared Last I heard shes in Yukon for the money they pay you each month and she lives there somewhere. Dunno its a big place.
Maybe it was this event that changed me.
Shortly after my father remarried I started cross dressing in my step moms clothes... for a couple of years.
Then when I went away for college I stopped. When I was at college I tried to pick up a piece of clothing here and there but ultimately had no privacy to try any of it on.
I ended up taking like 3 bottles of some magic boob pill with 0 results...
I always knew there was something different about me but I tried to soldier on and on. Even had 3 or 4 girl friends thou they never amounted to nothing I never felt right and well for the sex it never felt right either hard to say it just didnt feel special?
By the time I was 29 I had a serious sit down with myself to find out who the heck I was, and what was going on with me I thought about this for years and years and years. Maybe it was the fiction I was reading but I slid further and further into seeing myself as a girl wanting to be a girl and needing to be one. My body utterly has refused to surrender I think.
Well  I then started out on my journey to change this stubborn body, And yes I am still on this journey. My parents (father and step mom) Might not be on my side but they are still my family even if shes being a total bitch I have to respect my father he is my blood.
I have no more blood relatives and yes I might be a semi shut in that lives in apartment and has a little lovable dog a crappy job a boring life, and a need to change but I cant be disrespectful to my family its just not in my nature.
So I been rambling on SO anyways let me tell you my thanks giving story.

I get to my dads house he goes on the phone for 2 hours talking to Italy family, Step mom sits down on the couch doesnt talk so I take both dogs out into the back to run around and relax myself. (I dont get asked anything I felt like a total ghost there getting a free meal.) The neighbors come over apparently they sold a chair to them. They had 2 kids who came to the back gate where my dog was and started making him bark at them threw the gate. Well they go inside threw the basement door with there mom and dad to get the chair.
The fools thought they could get a meter wider chair threw a half meter door and figured after 10 mins theyd go threw the house to get it out.
Well at this point Im in with the 2 dogs. Had no idea they were coming up from the basement. The two kids and mom come up and my dog starts barking (like he does when ever he sees someone new) Backing away like a scared chicken. My step mom starts yelling saying I need to take him away at this point my dog shuts up and roams around. This is like a 30 seconds to a min time or so of him barking.
Well all is well and we have dinner.
It was  a good dinner no body really talked thou.
My dad goes over to the neighbours garage later I go with him with my dog on a leash....
Apparently 3 grown men are afraid of my 12 inch big dog. So from there garage I bring my dog back to my dads house leave him inside...
5 mins later after I get back to these guys garage with my dad still there talking, he gets a text saying she needs me back at the house.
Well she had taken my dog and her dog outside in the back and invited a neighbor over with another dog this one female and fixed...
My dog had apparently sniffed the females dog butt.
Me and my dad got there I was like whats the issue thats how they know whos who.
She went off on a tirade stating her dog doesnt do that bleh bleh bleh and Im like its ok Shes fixed whats he going to do also as the female dogs like 2 feet high mine cant even see her knee caps
She blows up even more saying shit about me and her house and her rules and if I dont like it dont bring my dog or dont come back.
Well at this point my dad just says lets go I was about to walk out anyways and go get his leash and walk home.
Well on the ride home he starts yelling at me about my shit job about my dog and blurts out about me having boobs.
I was kinda shell shocked too much and just sat silent on the drive.


So yea that was my happy thanks giving...I just feel like shes trying to boot me out of the family so that my dad takes me outta the will and she gets everything when she poisons him or he croaks. and yes Ill say now the moneys not a issue I have never cared about money. It just seems that every time Ive gone over in the last year Ive been yelled at and slowly and slowly I have stopped visiting. The last time I stopped by was may for her birthday.  Not that I got A happy birthday a month before or a present for that matter but I took them both out for dinner with my little meager vacation bonus money I had received. But again they are my family the only one I got in the world.

Anyways yea my life sucks.