I just need to vent some emotions to someone about my yesterday's experience... and I thought that it may be good idea to try it here, among like-minded people.
Plus, looking into it from afar, it is actually a funny little story that maybe some of you will relate to.
Yesterday, I and my GF went shopping. Our mission was to find some nice shoes and our secondary objective was to buy one or two pieces to complement our wardrobes. The main reason was that I would like to come out from the closet ... nothing big, just go out en femme from time to time. But still, I need presentable outfits for autumn ... and of course shoes.
I made an conscious effort and stated to my GF that this time I would like to go shopping immersed in feminine mindset. Normally, my shame of liking all those nice clothes would not allow me to enjoy it and I usually slip into manly kind of behaviour like: "Hurry, hurry, pick something and lets go." But yesterday, I tried to change it.
As soon as in first shop with shoes I've found that the largest obtainable size is apparently 42 (EU size). I am 43, possibly a little bit larger. "OK", I thought, "lets try another shop." The result was the same - maximal size: 42. At that point I begun to be slightly irritated. Third shop, no bigger shoes than 42!!! At that point I became really frustrated and lost all interest in shopping. Moreover, I was flooded with overall negative emotions - mostly bad feelings about myself: when I saw myself in a mirror, suddenly I felt that my nose is too big and not shaped well, that those violet under-eye circles look horrible etc. And when I saw all those girls around shopping happily I felt burning girl envy. Heh, I know I have a girl envy, but yesterday I realised it actually is could be my version of gender dysphoria.
I didn't want to ruin our trip to my GF, because she enjoyed herself. So I tried to behave normally. She bought a nice pair of red boots and I bought her a purse and cool red wallet - I've confiscated it as a Christmas present, so our mission was not an utter failure. But thoughts like "I've got a big nose, inadequate face, big feet. I am ashamed to express my feminine nature and because of anxiety I am even paralysed to go out and buy something... What am I trying to accomplish with all this feminine stuff?" were running inside my head all the time.
And when we arrived home, I broke my finger nail.
I apologise for a lengthy and negative post. I usually try to keep my composure and calmness, but ...
... I need a hug