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Bad day
#1
Hi everyone,

I just need to vent some emotions to someone about my yesterday's experience... and I thought that it may be good idea to try it here, among like-minded people. Blush  Plus, looking into it from afar, it is actually a funny little story that maybe some of you will relate to.

Yesterday, I and my GF went shopping. Our mission was to find some nice shoes and our secondary objective was to buy one or two pieces to complement our wardrobes. The main reason was that I would like to come out from the closet ... nothing big, just go out en femme from time to time. But still, I need presentable outfits for autumn ... and of course shoes.

I made an conscious effort and stated to my GF that this time I would like to go shopping immersed in feminine mindset. Normally, my shame of liking all those nice clothes would not allow me to enjoy it and I usually slip into manly kind of behaviour like: "Hurry, hurry, pick something and lets go." But yesterday, I tried to change it.

Bad idea...

As soon as in first shop with shoes I've found that the largest obtainable size is apparently 42 (EU size). I am 43, possibly a little bit larger. "OK", I thought, "lets try another shop." The result was the same - maximal size: 42. At that point I begun to be slightly irritated. Third shop, no bigger shoes than 42!!! At that point I became really frustrated and lost all interest in shopping. Moreover, I was flooded with overall negative emotions - mostly bad feelings about myself: when I saw myself in a mirror, suddenly I felt that my nose is too big and not shaped well, that those violet under-eye circles look horrible etc. And when I saw all those girls around shopping happily I felt burning girl envy. Heh, I know I have a girl envy, but yesterday I realised it actually is could be my version of gender dysphoria.

I didn't want to ruin our trip to my GF, because she enjoyed herself. So I tried to behave normally. She bought a nice pair of red boots and I bought her a purse and cool red wallet - I've confiscated it as a Christmas present, so our mission was not an utter failure. But thoughts like "I've got a big nose, inadequate face, big feet. I am ashamed to express my feminine nature and because of anxiety I am even paralysed to go out and buy something... What am I trying to accomplish with all this feminine stuff?" were running inside my head all the time.

And when we arrived home, I broke my finger nail.

Sad 

I apologise for a lengthy and negative post. I usually try to keep my composure and calmness, but ...

... I need a hug Blush .
 
Poly
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#2
Big hugs!  Sorry you had a bad day like that.  Hope things cheer up for you.  Maybe shopping online will give you more coices though. ?
HRT: October 2015.

Estradiol (estrace-sublingually), spironolactone, finasteride, provera (oral).
***************************************************
I identify totally binary female and proud to be transgender!
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#3
Oh women ? Eh ?

Your one of the hottest on here 

Big hugs

Julie

X
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#4
Oh Hon, I feel your pain.

Let me send you a virtual hug. We all need it once in a while.( sniff )

Its been stated many times that we are our own worst critics. 

I hate my nose, my feet are too big, my hair is starting to leave me, one or two strands at a time. But I have been told I brush up fairly well once I am in fem mode.

I am sure you will brush up well too with the help of your girlfriend. With make up the size of your nose can be hidden, and your feminine features released, and your make features diminished.

For shoes, size 10 is the maximum you will find in most stores over here. ( my wife is a 10, and even she has trouble )

m.zappos.com/c/shoe-size-conversion

It looks like a 42 is only a size 9. Are you shopping in the kiddies section?  Tongue

A mentioned, if any stores have an online presence too, browse through their show selection and see what sizes they carry before you go out. If you have any stores that carry selections for larger women, they generally will carry larger she sizes too.

We have a discount shoe store over here, ( payless shoes ) their female sizes go up to 13w. You may have a similar store in your area

Above all don't diminish your girly time with your girlfriend ( even in male mode ). I now love shopping with my wife, we can go out and spend hours looking at clothes, shoes, and bags. Even when I am dressed as "him"
Sex, its what's on your drivers license.
Gender, its how you feel inside.

DUFF - Designated Unique Feminine Friend.
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#5
I can relate to quite a few things that you went through....   Especially your description of "Girl Envy".  That is how my GD rears  it's head.  Like I told on one of my threads as well as my gender doctor yesterday.  I always admired the physical form, not just sexually, but aesthetically too.  And when I am in a "mood", it gets me down knowing that I wished my GD would of reared up in more noticable ways when younger when I could of been more at ease with the situations it presents.

All in life, I suppose, eh?
America's Best Ass Clown! ! 
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#6
@Skye:
Thank you! Smile Today it is better than yesterday. I know similar moods from my GF and other ladies and now I know it is not easy to control them once they appear.
You are right that online shopping offers wider choice. I actually begun to buy many things only online - I have more time choosing without a rush. Until now, I was a little bit afraid of buying shoes online, but I'll have to give it a shot.

@Julie:
Thanks to you as well! Yes, yes I begin to bee one of those moody girls Blush . It appears that PM really is affecting my mind.

@Jannet:
Many thanks for your virtual hug (*hug back*) and for advice! I admit that I am very self-critical. The positive is that I constantly try to improve, the negative is that I am never satisfied.
I know the power of make-up and decided to train its application. It will take time to master it, but with effort and determination I will make it! Smile
I know that 43 is not such a big size, because one of my female colleagues has 43 size feet. And therefore I was really surprised to find that here in Czech Republic most of the bigger shops or bigger brands offer only shoes up to a size of 42 and everything bigger is considered oversize. It appears we are nation of Cinderellas Tongue .

@iaboy:
I've been having "girl envy" since early puberty and maybe even earlier. However, for long time I didn't think it to be a form of gender dysphoria. I completely understand what you've written about admiring female physical form. I admire also fluidity of feminine body language and many things about feminine attitude. Sometimes I am also sad that I did not accepted my dysphoric feelings earlier. After all, I begun messing with breast growth and more serious feminisation after I got really anxious when I realised I won't get any younger and that the longer I wait the less portion of life I will have to express my inner feminine self...
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#7
(15-10-2016, 03:36 PM)polymorphis Wrote: @Skye:
Thank you! Smile Today it is better than yesterday. I know similar moods from my GF and other ladies and now I know it is not easy to control them once they appear.
You are right that online shopping offers wider choice. I actually begun to buy many things only online - I have more time choosing without a rush. Until now, I was a little bit afraid of buying shoes online, but I'll have to give it a shot.

@Julie:
Thanks to you as well! Yes, yes I begin to bee one of those moody girls Blush . It appears that PM really is affecting my mind.

@Jannet:
Many thanks for your virtual hug (*hug back*) and for advice! I admit that I am very self-critical. The positive is that I constantly try to improve, the negative is that I am never satisfied.
I know the power of make-up and decided to train its application. It will take time to master it, but with effort and determination I will make it! Smile
I know that 43 is not such a big size, because one of my female colleagues has 43 size feet. And therefore I was really surprised to find that here in Czech Republic most of the bigger shops or bigger brands offer only shoes up to a size of 42 and everything bigger is considered oversize. It appears we are nation of Cinderellas Tongue .

@iaboy:
I've been having "girl envy" since early puberty and maybe even earlier. However, for long time I didn't think it to be a form of gender dysphoria. I completely understand what you've written about admiring female physical form. I admire also fluidity of feminine body language and many things about feminine attitude. Sometimes I am also sad that I did not accepted my dysphoric feelings earlier. After all, I begun messing with breast growth and more serious feminisation after I got really anxious when I realised I won't get any younger and that the longer I wait the less portion of life I will have to express my inner feminine self...


Welcome to the club, is all I've got.  I call it " Nearer My God to Thee " syndrome.  Another words, people wake up to the fact that, for them, the end of time is getting closer and closer.  That, and in my case, forced medical retirement makes a body do some deep soul searching over all of the "why's and why not's".  My therapist pointed that much out to me.  So sad, is it not?
America's Best Ass Clown! ! 
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#8
(15-10-2016, 04:14 PM)iaboy Wrote: Welcome to the club, is all I've got.  I call it " Nearer My God to Thee " syndrome.  Another words, people wake up to the fact that, for them, the end of time is getting closer and closer.  That, and in my case, forced medical retirement makes a body do some deep soul searching over all of the "why's and why not's".  My therapist pointed that much out to me.  So sad, is it not?


It is sad iaboy, it really is. I know that history does not like "what ifs", and it applies for world history as well as our personal histories, but I just can't help but think how would our lifes were different if there were more acceptance and information about transgender issues several decades, or even years, ago. But I think I would have not shaped a lot differently, because I was, and still am, afraid to accept myself. I just hid it behind a hypothesis that all my strange inclinations towards feminine was just a fetish. I really was wrong. Sad

Heh, I guess it useless to cry over spilt milk or lament about lack of understanding from general population. We are now and we have to work with what we've got. That's why I still try to find any positives about being transgender, because I believe that it has to be some reason evolution allowed it. Wink

Poly
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#9
I hear ya brosis.  I just hope one day, that at least my immediate family one day will not only understand, but accept.  I do not ever see me turning in my man card, but I can gladly accept the female side of me.  But I suspect my family can't, or won't quite yet. Sad  But, I am still hopeful for tomorrow.  Always the optimist, eh?
America's Best Ass Clown! ! 
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#10
Oohhhhhh man I love that word 

Bro sis



Awesome iaboy

Julie
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