There`s no need to me worried or scared about taking hormones, anything up to 3 months of taking them is reversible when you stop taking them.
the Next thing is this is about YOU and finding out who You really are, and you can`t really do that if only part of your brain is working, If you have a load of Estrogen receptors in your brain, they will respond to the hormone and activate (you`ll be firing on all cylinders) and from That point you can better see who you really are inside.
your WTF am I doing moments are likely because the tiny bit of estrogen you got from the other stuff lowered your dysphoria just enough to take away the reason you took them in the first place which was the dysphoria (it`s a strange catch 22 thing).
take this time to explore your feelings, needs, desires etc... it`s all about being YOU, your Real self! not about others or their expectations of you.
you have to follow your heart with ths one, and if you don`t feel you really have much of one at the moment, You will later!
I`m sorry to hear about the situation with your wife, but at this point you need to focus just as much on yourself as anything else, and don`t mix the 2 issues if you can possibly avoid it.
take care sweetie xXx