13-08-2017, 02:40 AM
"Getting what you wanted."
I'm not quite sure how to even start this, it's rather confusing. As others have spoken of the "WTF moment," only this isn't anything I could've really prepared for.
I started taking Barlowe's PM, 1 pill 2X a day (550 mg). So, 1100 mg/day, for about three weeks now. That's on top of diagnosed Low T (but high DHT), and on-and-off herbals and Pharma.
I've had no additional growth, but now I'm getting sensation again. I'm also working out, might've lost a few pounds, maybe some body composition changes (down to 35% body fat, from 37.5%.)
And I'm looking at myself in the mirror, and... I don't want the breasts any more. I don't understand it at all...
Has anyone else found that they suddenly wish they could rewind and undo THESE things? (I know we all wish we could change things from the past, I'm limiting it to NOT growing instead of growing.)
I'm not going to be able to be passable, even if I lose about 80 pounds (in fact, passing might be easier WITH the weight, if it were in the right locations.) And while I don't look like a total genderfuck, I'm hardly where I thought I would be. Back when I started pharma, wearing a bra, secretly working towards transition, I got poked in the breast... Which was then just a bud. But anyway - I LOVED the pain! It meant the girls were growing!
But now... WTF?! Nipples are tingly, but I've got a broad chest, an inability to really lose weight (5 pounds can be all water.) I'd need a proper bra fitting, and - wearing sister sizes to what I believe I'd be - I'm feeling the wires, and it's good in one sense (less strain), but... Not "right" an more!
I know it's possible to be very "manly" yet be female; or, I could look to Janae Marie Kroc; but...
Now I'm just PISSED!
In a sense, it's just the latest in a LONG line of miserable happenings (The last quarter of my life, I've moved once a year; assisted others to move out of or back into the family; lost a father, lost several pets, been through bankruptcy, foreclosure, repossessions; stressful job just keeps getting worse; now I've also got legal issues going on, to the point I had to borrow against my meager retirement fund; Mom's had a near-fatal accident last year, now four eye operations since January & she's going blind... the girlfriend, who is already a major source fo stress? Heart surgery last year, knee replacement this year, and hasn't worked even as a driver, while she's between temp jobs... And no one will follow the SIMPLE diet rules so we could all get thin. When I took care of her following her knee surgery, she lost 15 pounds in two weeks, never feeling hungry... But that's because I planned out three squares a day, high protein - as opposed to her normal "snack in the morning, then nothing until dinner" meal plan. An Ensure for breakfast isn't enough, she's probably not even eating enough calories! But then, she never gets off the couch... )
Sorry, I'm rambling - but it's too close to the bone any more. We don't hit the Ren faires any more; she somehow invaded and it's just no fun any more. Blades? Showpieces, hang them on the wall. Money? Should be spent before it gets cold in the bank account. And I can't even feel safe in my own home now with the legal issues - a lunatic is running the asylum! (Working on moving out. Hard to find new living quarters.)
And with legal issues, counseling isn't an option (can be used against you in court. ANYTHING can be used AGAINST you, but not necessarily FOR you.)
Anyway, now that the breasts are sensitive again, the woman has started biting the nipples. (Not THAT hard, but like how she plays with the other part - like it's a handle or a leash? About the same sort of consideration. Like tenderizing meat with a sledge hammer...)
So now even having breasts - which aren't any larger than they used to be, again - is a problem.
WTF?
I know GD can come and go - but this is a complete INVERSION.
Anyone else had that problem? I wonder if I'm just reaching the end of my rope here... Only source of income, one head case, one lunatic, and me (and we could debate my sanity, obviously.) If I miss a paycheck, we don't eat... Thank god I'm salaried, but I've been in the hospital more myself in the last year than the previous decade! (Just since January.)
If I weren't already depressed, right?
Any suggestions on how to get back on top of the mess would be appreciated.
My current plans are:
- GTFO. My guidance isn't appreciated, I'm withdrawing it. Get a f'ckin' job, bitches. (The psycho lost two jobs in a week; she was employed at one for TWO. SHIFTS. The other doesn't get off the couch.)
- "Beat" the legal issues - it won't go away, but I can mitigate the problem, I hope.
- Recover financial control again. My income, I reduce costs, I end the problem. Two fewer people hitting the ATM? Reduced living costs? I'll be cutting housing in half, alone.
- Since I can't go back in time and correct the problem, I just need to get out there and learn to talk to people again... If my life isn't constant crisis, I should be able to come up with something to talk about, instead of just being silent or a bitchy, whiny, miserable, creature.
After that - Maybe I can get the whole GD under control, get some time in at the gym, get the diet under control again... Maybe find someone I can have a relationship with again. I'm 41, I ain't getting younger. Not going to meet a 20-year-old hottie who's interested... (Exclusively interested in women, and one who's been ridden a few too many times... Well, I'm getting OUT of that situation, why jump back into it with a different woman?)
Any advice, thoughts, similar experiences?
-Dianna
I'm not quite sure how to even start this, it's rather confusing. As others have spoken of the "WTF moment," only this isn't anything I could've really prepared for.
I started taking Barlowe's PM, 1 pill 2X a day (550 mg). So, 1100 mg/day, for about three weeks now. That's on top of diagnosed Low T (but high DHT), and on-and-off herbals and Pharma.
I've had no additional growth, but now I'm getting sensation again. I'm also working out, might've lost a few pounds, maybe some body composition changes (down to 35% body fat, from 37.5%.)
And I'm looking at myself in the mirror, and... I don't want the breasts any more. I don't understand it at all...
Has anyone else found that they suddenly wish they could rewind and undo THESE things? (I know we all wish we could change things from the past, I'm limiting it to NOT growing instead of growing.)
I'm not going to be able to be passable, even if I lose about 80 pounds (in fact, passing might be easier WITH the weight, if it were in the right locations.) And while I don't look like a total genderfuck, I'm hardly where I thought I would be. Back when I started pharma, wearing a bra, secretly working towards transition, I got poked in the breast... Which was then just a bud. But anyway - I LOVED the pain! It meant the girls were growing!
But now... WTF?! Nipples are tingly, but I've got a broad chest, an inability to really lose weight (5 pounds can be all water.) I'd need a proper bra fitting, and - wearing sister sizes to what I believe I'd be - I'm feeling the wires, and it's good in one sense (less strain), but... Not "right" an more!
I know it's possible to be very "manly" yet be female; or, I could look to Janae Marie Kroc; but...
Now I'm just PISSED!
In a sense, it's just the latest in a LONG line of miserable happenings (The last quarter of my life, I've moved once a year; assisted others to move out of or back into the family; lost a father, lost several pets, been through bankruptcy, foreclosure, repossessions; stressful job just keeps getting worse; now I've also got legal issues going on, to the point I had to borrow against my meager retirement fund; Mom's had a near-fatal accident last year, now four eye operations since January & she's going blind... the girlfriend, who is already a major source fo stress? Heart surgery last year, knee replacement this year, and hasn't worked even as a driver, while she's between temp jobs... And no one will follow the SIMPLE diet rules so we could all get thin. When I took care of her following her knee surgery, she lost 15 pounds in two weeks, never feeling hungry... But that's because I planned out three squares a day, high protein - as opposed to her normal "snack in the morning, then nothing until dinner" meal plan. An Ensure for breakfast isn't enough, she's probably not even eating enough calories! But then, she never gets off the couch... )
Sorry, I'm rambling - but it's too close to the bone any more. We don't hit the Ren faires any more; she somehow invaded and it's just no fun any more. Blades? Showpieces, hang them on the wall. Money? Should be spent before it gets cold in the bank account. And I can't even feel safe in my own home now with the legal issues - a lunatic is running the asylum! (Working on moving out. Hard to find new living quarters.)
And with legal issues, counseling isn't an option (can be used against you in court. ANYTHING can be used AGAINST you, but not necessarily FOR you.)
Anyway, now that the breasts are sensitive again, the woman has started biting the nipples. (Not THAT hard, but like how she plays with the other part - like it's a handle or a leash? About the same sort of consideration. Like tenderizing meat with a sledge hammer...)
So now even having breasts - which aren't any larger than they used to be, again - is a problem.
WTF?
I know GD can come and go - but this is a complete INVERSION.
Anyone else had that problem? I wonder if I'm just reaching the end of my rope here... Only source of income, one head case, one lunatic, and me (and we could debate my sanity, obviously.) If I miss a paycheck, we don't eat... Thank god I'm salaried, but I've been in the hospital more myself in the last year than the previous decade! (Just since January.)
If I weren't already depressed, right?
Any suggestions on how to get back on top of the mess would be appreciated.
My current plans are:
- GTFO. My guidance isn't appreciated, I'm withdrawing it. Get a f'ckin' job, bitches. (The psycho lost two jobs in a week; she was employed at one for TWO. SHIFTS. The other doesn't get off the couch.)
- "Beat" the legal issues - it won't go away, but I can mitigate the problem, I hope.
- Recover financial control again. My income, I reduce costs, I end the problem. Two fewer people hitting the ATM? Reduced living costs? I'll be cutting housing in half, alone.
- Since I can't go back in time and correct the problem, I just need to get out there and learn to talk to people again... If my life isn't constant crisis, I should be able to come up with something to talk about, instead of just being silent or a bitchy, whiny, miserable, creature.
After that - Maybe I can get the whole GD under control, get some time in at the gym, get the diet under control again... Maybe find someone I can have a relationship with again. I'm 41, I ain't getting younger. Not going to meet a 20-year-old hottie who's interested... (Exclusively interested in women, and one who's been ridden a few too many times... Well, I'm getting OUT of that situation, why jump back into it with a different woman?)
Any advice, thoughts, similar experiences?
-Dianna