03-10-2017, 05:12 PM
I’m afraid I let my common sense slip in a major way for the first time today. That I’ve commited a crime against good taste and a gross indecency, something I’ve always been EXTREMELY sensitive about and more or less managed to avoid so far. I’m quite shaken and sick of myself.
Yesterday I got my face lasered again. Then I sat with a person who gave me a huge dose of motivation and confidence, yet between the lines I could read a lot about the price and the pain I will have to pay for my dream. (It was my own cousin!!! – a successful transwoman I was told about only two months ago! Talk about small world and skeletons in family closets eh?).
Today I got my ears pierced and the earrings. Still digesting all the news and in a totally distracted state of mind I drove for a lunch. To a local school mess hall, as usual. I checked myself in a car rear mirror and slowly began to realize this is not OK, but I was in a hurry and had other things to do after and I couldn’t go back home just because of the looks, could I, so I carried on. The lunch room was full – at least a hundred kids, two dozens of adults. Of course they’ve seen me en femme before, but always prepared, nicely done, decent and enjoying myself. This time was very different.
Imagine that: long hair held high on the head in a feminine manner, exposing shiny earrings – the difference they make is shocking, blood red long nails, breasts in tight T-shirt.
And on the other hand: almost 2 metres, dressed in a haphazard combination of casual clothes (and God, the shoes were a sin:(), a formless backpack, prominent moustache and beard, the rest of the face red and burned and shiny with panthenol. And a manner of a person who knows painfully well he’s just made a grave blunder.
Comments were voiced and jeers were made. Fingers were pointed and the elbows nudged. Heads were turned – adults away from me, kids towards me. I usually smile nicely and stare back until the staring person gets back to his/her business, but let me tell you, some of them kids can take it for 10 seconds easily and there were way too many little heads and my smile was likely poisoned with a hint of a cornered animal’s teeth this time... It was horrible. Some of the cooks (we know each other for years!) smiled anyway, but some turn judgmental and hostile and this time for the first time I felt they might be right and I might be wrong.
And that’s not all. This is a small town, but occasionally big money flows through it (biathlon world championship, etc…) and the town hall string-pullers consider themselves important. They have their lunches here. Some of them were present even. My mother works at the town hall too. My father has his lunch here and he’s got a shop in the town. They all see and they might talk evil if I’m too brazen. „He’s what, 30? and instead of raising his own kids, he spoils ours. What a freak…“ Had I have a reputation to care for, it would be shattered, I don’t, but this could make waves that could reach my parents even and that’s not acceptable.
When I got back to the car and looked in the mirror what I saw… moustache AND earrings… it was so gross it turned my stomach almost.
How could I let this happen?!? I’m spending a lot of time in a nearby big city recently where noone really cares and where I test the new me. I somehow forgot about the different standards here and there. I got carried away by the easy acceptance and all those fears that are falling away from me recently and became careless. The days you could get up and get out looking like sh** are gone, you fool. It backfires and cannot be taken back.
I’ve written it down and feel a bit better. Now to undo the nail polish. It hurts but some concessions should be made and the earrings are NOT going away. I hope I’ll be able to laugh it off the day after tomorrow and it won’t steal too much confidence and fire from my girl! The worst crime of them all, that is.
Yesterday I got my face lasered again. Then I sat with a person who gave me a huge dose of motivation and confidence, yet between the lines I could read a lot about the price and the pain I will have to pay for my dream. (It was my own cousin!!! – a successful transwoman I was told about only two months ago! Talk about small world and skeletons in family closets eh?).
Today I got my ears pierced and the earrings. Still digesting all the news and in a totally distracted state of mind I drove for a lunch. To a local school mess hall, as usual. I checked myself in a car rear mirror and slowly began to realize this is not OK, but I was in a hurry and had other things to do after and I couldn’t go back home just because of the looks, could I, so I carried on. The lunch room was full – at least a hundred kids, two dozens of adults. Of course they’ve seen me en femme before, but always prepared, nicely done, decent and enjoying myself. This time was very different.
Imagine that: long hair held high on the head in a feminine manner, exposing shiny earrings – the difference they make is shocking, blood red long nails, breasts in tight T-shirt.
And on the other hand: almost 2 metres, dressed in a haphazard combination of casual clothes (and God, the shoes were a sin:(), a formless backpack, prominent moustache and beard, the rest of the face red and burned and shiny with panthenol. And a manner of a person who knows painfully well he’s just made a grave blunder.
Comments were voiced and jeers were made. Fingers were pointed and the elbows nudged. Heads were turned – adults away from me, kids towards me. I usually smile nicely and stare back until the staring person gets back to his/her business, but let me tell you, some of them kids can take it for 10 seconds easily and there were way too many little heads and my smile was likely poisoned with a hint of a cornered animal’s teeth this time... It was horrible. Some of the cooks (we know each other for years!) smiled anyway, but some turn judgmental and hostile and this time for the first time I felt they might be right and I might be wrong.
And that’s not all. This is a small town, but occasionally big money flows through it (biathlon world championship, etc…) and the town hall string-pullers consider themselves important. They have their lunches here. Some of them were present even. My mother works at the town hall too. My father has his lunch here and he’s got a shop in the town. They all see and they might talk evil if I’m too brazen. „He’s what, 30? and instead of raising his own kids, he spoils ours. What a freak…“ Had I have a reputation to care for, it would be shattered, I don’t, but this could make waves that could reach my parents even and that’s not acceptable.
When I got back to the car and looked in the mirror what I saw… moustache AND earrings… it was so gross it turned my stomach almost.
How could I let this happen?!? I’m spending a lot of time in a nearby big city recently where noone really cares and where I test the new me. I somehow forgot about the different standards here and there. I got carried away by the easy acceptance and all those fears that are falling away from me recently and became careless. The days you could get up and get out looking like sh** are gone, you fool. It backfires and cannot be taken back.
I’ve written it down and feel a bit better. Now to undo the nail polish. It hurts but some concessions should be made and the earrings are NOT going away. I hope I’ll be able to laugh it off the day after tomorrow and it won’t steal too much confidence and fire from my girl! The worst crime of them all, that is.
What a darling!
) gum in the bitter coffee. This is Czech Republic baby
.
. After about a month and a half. Things have changed, I went there for the first time with a made up face and in nice women's clothes and boots. And surprise surprise, the little gargoyles upped their stakes as well. Not content with pointing and looks this time, they laughed and mocked me quite aggressively. Others in turn chastised the mockers as if I was some protection needing curio. Some reaction on my part felt appropriate. No idea what that reaction should be though. Faced with stupidity I've usually walked away, punched its face or stared it in the eye with firm and silent contempt. A more mature approach seems in order. Do you get in similar situations? What do you do?