[SweetO]

Hello queens, I want to vent and I need some guidance because I'm feeling lost. I don't know what I'm doing wrong to always have trust issues. Let me explain: I am a cisgender girl, 30 years old, heterosexual. I've been getting to know someone for 6 months. I've told him about the health issues I've been going through the past few months, the decision to quit my job because of it, having to help out at home because my sister is epileptic and has been struggling for a year (going in and out of the hospital), my best friend is in a psychiatric ward (bipolar disorder) and I haven't heard from him for months, etc. etc. etc. I've opened up to this person even when in a state of absolute vulnerability, hoping for some reciprocity. 


Anyway I'll start telling you what happened with this person:


We haven't seen each other much, that's the truth, because I've had family responsibilities and I had to resolve some work issues before leaving my job. I've also had to get health check-ups, since I've been dealing with chronic anemia for several months. But over these months, things have gone well, we haven't argued, we've enjoyed our time together, and we have common interests. I have to say he's not my typical type of guy, but I always say you need to get to know people. In fact, I'm not someone who likes to get involved on the first night; I find it hard to trust. 
Moreover, something I've always been clear about is that I also don't want to be with someone who is emotionally involved if they have a history of being with multiple people at the same time. Maybe my parents' surreal divorce affected me to that extent , maybe… I don't know.

Well, I've told him about my personal problems, past experiences in romantic relationships, and he's even met people from my circle who can see that I'm not a monster and that I always try to be empathetic, to put myself in the shoes of the person who is suffering. In fact, he met a friend of mine who was in a heterosexual relationship for 7 years, but during the pandemic, she realized she had nothing in common with the person she was sharing her life with, and last year she met a girl at work, they became friends, and eventually they got involved. He knows that story and is well aware that I've been a support for my friend, as it hasn't been easy for her either to realize she loves women and not men, that she's been wrong all her life. He's also met my heterosexual friends, gay friends, all kinds you know.

So to sum it up, he's gotten to know a large part of me and while it's true that I know details about him, he hasn't elaborated on certain things. But I thought everyone has their own pace and maybe he needed more time getting to know each other. Well, yesterday was like the twentieth or thirtieth time we were watching Tik Tok videos, sharing things on Facebook and the like, because we've talked about everything from the different genders that exist to sexuality and nomadic people, things that made me think there was enough trust to be honest. And I have the feeling he's been making fun of me... Yesterday, jokingly debating who was physically hotter, Batman or Superman, he sent me a series of voice messages and other things talking about Henry Cavill.

The conversation seemed to continue in a joking manner until I noticed that in his comments he was very explicit about what he would or wouldn't do to Henry, how he would dress him, etc. (we've talked about Meryl Streep, Monica Bellucci, Bella Hadid, Cardi B, Selena Gomez... and he has never made any obscene comments or objectified any of those women). To which I replied, "Wow, seems like you'd do a lot to Henry, huh?" because I was getting annoyed with all the enthusiasm... and then he dropped the bomb: "Of course, that's because I'm bisexual". I was stunned. I reacted by saying, "Excuse me?" and he replied, "I assumed you already knew, didn't I tell you?" I told him I had no idea. And then, my mind began to race, because among other things, he lied about his age (weeks later I found out we are not the same age) and I began to feel really bad, really nervous: why would someone lie to me about their age, omit their sexual orientation...? Why...? So I started to get a bit sharp with my responses, and he replied, "I think you have boundaries for not understanding non-normative things." I got extremely upset because I think he implicitly called me homophobic.

The situation naturally got worse, and I had such a rough night that they had to administer sedatives through an IV. I don't understand anything, my dears, nothing at all. 
I don't understand how in six months he didn't trust me enough to tell me, I don't understand why he lied about his age, I don't get the comment he made... and while in the hospital, I've been thinking to myself, "Why, out of all the women we've talked about, have you only told me 'she's beautiful, she has lovely eyes, etc.'... and about a guy, you've said you'd pin him against the shower wall and go all the way in?" I mean, I know there are bisexuals who have a more predominant tendency than the other, for instance, that they prefer girls over guys. And with that comment, I'm left wondering... do you like boys more and you're trying to get to know me? What the fuck is this?! 



Queens, I am overreacting? I am homophobic? Do I have the right to know who I am getting to know?

[insfca]

Not sure what this has to do with NBE, but I'll make a few comments anyway.

First of all, some people reveal things about themselves piecemeal, over time, as they become more comfortable sharing. 6 months is not a long time. Unless there's something more, there's no immediate need to ascribe some dishonorable motive behind his not telling you he is bisexual.

Second, you sound manic. And your plate seems very full. Your reactions may not be totally rational in the moment. Give it some time and see how you feel. Don't do anything rash like blow up on him or say something you may regret.

That's my 2 cents knowing nothing about you or him or the situation other than what you just wrote.

Good luck.

[HelloDiDi]

EDIT: This is personal talk subforum, threads here don't need to have anything to do with NBE...

Firstly, you're not being homophobic, secondly you have right to know this guy as its obviously going deeper and possibly more intimate and important than casual frienship. Of course, he can not disclose what ever he wishes to keep to himself? But its not nice in the slightest... I can say how I personally deal with my private stuff, sexual orientation is one of the first I make clear if things seem serious. Transition and medical stuff comes much later as that is very private information which is totally not everybody's business. Not even a potential love interest, until they become closer and it seems that things might go serious. I think this is the way to deal with these things which are important, but not something to be told to anyone, anywhere.

Then again, I don't think we owe anyone explanations about these matters, but when getting to really know someone and close, I at least want any potential partner to actually know me. Might be different for this guy in question?

About cis bi men... I don't trust them one bit. Firstly, many of them are gays in disguise, they're actually all into men, but saying they're bisexual is socially more acceptable and lot of them are also in denial. To a lot of them its a fantasy or a fetish, the thing about men being purely sexual. Also a lot of them search pre/non op trans women to make that happen. Thinking trans women are more acceptable being feminine enough but they still don't even recognise us as women at all. I don't trust bi guys, too many have huge red flags all over them. Of course I can't tell about this particular guy in question. Just that my experience about these guys is not good at all. Then again, straight guys are much worse. At least to any minority woman like me.

THen again, I'm biased on giving advice about men as my experience is exceptionally bad. They have all been assholes to me with very few exceptions.

[tomi66]

Hi SweetO,
It sounds like he omitted or at least may have omitted a big piece of information about himself, if he, in fact thought he told you he was bi and he didn't then he owes you an apology. My wife knew all my history before we got married, enough about me though.

You have or have not overblown the situation, trust is a hard thing to earn and even harder to get it back after you have lost it, if he wants to earn your trust back you may have to open the door for that, IMHO.

If you he can sit down with you and let you explain how you felt when he started telling you what he would do to other men and you didn't realize until that minute he was bi, and whether he told you or not you don't remember, and you can tell him if want, if he did tell you and you don't remember you then apologize,if you want to say that. Then ask him to start over and ask him to tell you about it.

If he can start over and tell you about his past, at least what he's not too embarrassed to say at this point, then you have a keeper. It may take him a while to totally open up, because men can be cautious like that, there's been a lot of stigma towards gay/bi men, cross dressers and Trans.

Let's face it, a woman can wear a mens button up flannel, a pair of jeans and boots and no one bats an eye, a man wears a pretty skirt, a blouse and a pair of ladies shoes and people stare at him, unless he can totally pass for a female with no make-up on, of course. I am not making excuses for him, just letting you know what I experienced from a mans point of veiw.

I don't think you're homophobic. You have a lot going on in life and some past trust issues so this may have been the straw that broke the camels back. So if you really like this guy, give him a second chance.

[SweetO]

Not sure what this has to do with NBE, but I'll make a few comments anyway.

First of all, some people reveal things about themselves piecemeal, over time, as they become more comfortable sharing. 6 months is not a long time. Unless there's something more, there's no immediate need to ascribe some dishonorable motive behind his not telling you he is bisexual.

Second, you sound manic. And your plate seems very full. Your reactions may not be totally rational in the moment. Give it some time and see how you feel. Don't do anything rash like blow up on him or say something you may regret.

That's my 2 cents knowing nothing about you or him or the situation other than what you just wrote.

Good luck.

LOL good luck to you as well calling me maniac!

Best wishes xdddd

[SweetO]

EDIT: This is personal talk subforum, threads here don't need to have anything to do with NBE...

Firstly, you're not being homophobic, secondly you have right to know this guy as its obviously going deeper and possibly more intimate and important than casual frienship. Of course, he can not disclose what ever he wishes to keep to himself? But its not nice in the slightest... I can say how I personally deal with my private stuff, sexual orientation is one of the first I make clear if things seem serious. Transition and medical stuff comes much later as that is very private information which is totally not everybody's business. Not even a potential love interest, until they become closer and it seems that things might go serious. I think this is the way to deal with these things which are important, but not something to be told to anyone, anywhere.

Then again, I don't think we owe anyone explanations about these matters, but when getting to really know someone and close, I at least want any potential partner to actually know me. Might be different for this guy in question?

About cis bi men... I don't trust them one bit. Firstly, many of them are gays in disguise, they're actually all into men, but saying they're bisexual is socially more acceptable and lot of them are also in denial. To a lot of them its a fantasy or a fetish, the thing about men being purely sexual. Also a lot of them search pre/non op trans women to make that happen. Thinking trans women are more acceptable being feminine enough but they still don't even recognise us as women at all. I don't trust bi guys, too many have huge red flags all over them. Of course I can't tell about this particular guy in question. Just that my experience about these guys is not good at all. Then again, straight guys are much worse. At least to any minority woman like me.



THen again, I'm biased on giving advice about men as my experience is exceptionally bad. They have all been assholes to me with very few exceptions.

Lara <3


Exactly, it's what you're saying. If I'm getting to know someone just to hang out or simply for fun, there are many things I don't need to know. The issue is when someone is constantly telling you how special you are, that you shouldn't go back to your ex (I broke up with my ex a year ago and it was quite traumatic, Bobbi knows I've been struggling with a long-distance relationship that didn't work out in the end...) to trust them, that you're in a safe place, to gain perspective and to always be yourself... I think, this applies both ways, right?

On the other hand, he lied to me about his age. At first, he told me he was two years older than me, then my age, and finally, he's two years younger than that. When I found out he had lied about this, I got a bit upset because I don't understand such childishness, but I tried to downplay it. Now I wonder how much I really know about him, as I keep adding omissions to the list ...


Regarding what you mentioned about bisexuals, you're right, there's a stigma, no doubt about that. But he knows perfectly well the social circles I move in, and I have no prejudices towards them. In fact, as I mentioned, he's met friends of mine who have shared countless stories about their romantic and sexual experiences, and I've just been there listening and offering advice, like any other friend would. On the other hand, I understand that everyone has their own pace when it comes to getting to know and trusting others, but then don't ask me to spill my entire romantic history and even question if I've had lesbian relationships or the like (for instance, I told him one of my first loves was a boy from my hometown, openly gay, we were friends at first but after two years things got complicated and it was painful breaking off the friendship because my friend was confused about his feelings...). 

I just feel he's betrayed my trust, that's all. 

[SweetO]

Hi SweetO,
It sounds like he omitted or at least may have omitted a big piece of information about himself, if he, in fact thought he told you he was bi and he didn't then he owes you an apology. My wife knew all my history before we got married, enough about me though.

You have or have not overblown the situation, trust is a hard thing to earn and even harder to get it back after you have lost it, if he wants to earn your trust back you may have to open the door for that, IMHO.

If you he can sit down with you and let you explain how you felt when he started telling you what he would do to other men and you didn't realize until that minute he was bi, and whether he told you or not you don't remember, and you can tell him if want, if he did tell you and you don't remember you then apologize,if you want to say that. Then ask him to start over and ask him to tell you about it.

If he can start over and tell you about his past, at least what he's not too embarrassed to say at this point, then you have a keeper. It may take him a while to totally open up, because men can be cautious like that, there's been a lot of stigma towards gay/bi men, cross dressers and Trans.

Let's face it, a woman can wear a mens button up flannel, a pair of jeans and boots and no one bats an eye, a man wears a pretty skirt, a blouse and a pair of ladies shoes and people stare at him, unless he can totally pass for a female with no make-up on, of course. I am not making excuses for him, just letting you know what I experienced from a mans point of veiw.

I don't think you're homophobic. You have a lot going on in life and some past trust issues so this may have been the straw that broke the camels back. So if you really like this guy, give him a second chance.

Hi Tomi! Thanks for giving me your perspective and for lending a hand. 

The issue isn't that he's bisexual; the problem is he wants to start something serious with me (he's going to Switzerland for work for a few months and has asked me to come with him) and he started off by lying about his age. First, he said he was older than me, then my age, and then in the end, he's two years younger... I know it sounds trivial, but it makes you wonder, why would someone feel the need to lie about their age? It makes no sense! I'm aware of the stigma surrounding gays, bisexuals, queers, etc. I know because I see it with my friends, not firsthand of course. But I know the pain exists and it's tough to handle. I'm not here to judge anyone. What I'm saying is he's been asking me things, getting to know more about my life, my environment, things that make me vulnerable, and he hasn't been willing to share things that I believe are relevant if you want to start a relationship...



That is to say, for instance, most of my bisexual friends are in polyamorous relationships. I don't know if he's interested in that, because right now I really don't know what to think. Or I have some bisexual friends who admit they have a preference for one gender over the other, and when they are in a relationship with one gender, they sometimes miss aspects of the other gender. 
Clearly, I'm aware these possibilities exist and I'm capable of having a conversation about it, but with honesty. Not omitting details or implying that I should already know or assume things when he's never mentioned anything about any man until he brought up Superman.
It's one thing to have casual relationships or ones without commitment: he's asked me not to look back and not to forgive my ex, he's talked about meeting his father who lives in the US, he's told me he's going to be away for work and asked me to come with him to Switzerland (we live in Spain)... so I wonder: what's his game? 

[HelloDiDi]

Turst issues are absolute pain in the ass... Especially these days when so many people treat relationships as discardable one time use kind of thing. I bet its online dating that accetuates this behaviour, no trouble finding another one if something doesn't work... Relationships and along with it, trust, seem to have been devalued a lot.

I don't like it at all. I would definitely be suspicious right away if a possible partener lied to me, especially if it repeats. I value trust, openness and communication above everything so talking about this with him might be a smart move? Adult way, if he's capable of that? So my advice, is to be careful and not pouring baby out with bathwater, talk with him. Tell him how you're feeling, be blunt if you have to. If he's worth your time and energy and appreciates you, he will be willing to discuss. Good people tend to do that as they see the value if the relationship and put in the effort.  

Also a point about being open and telling a lot about yourself, be careful who you trust your secrets to, your past and everything... It may come bite you later so its better to know who to talk to. I'm often naively open and overshare, when I was younger I got in huge trouble for it many times. These days I'm much more careful, but some times I drop my guard down, even here on BN. Then in private messages and with good friends irl, I talk much more. I've learned it the hard way that knowing who to share things with is really important, silence is golden some times, oversharing will get you in trouble. 

So once again the importance and value of trust cannot be understated. And those few people who are worth it, keep them close because there wont be many in a lifetime. Same goes with romantic partners, there can only be few "love of your life" kind of people. Most of them are not that. This comes from a ton of experience, both good and bad as I've dated so many ladies back in the day, a lot of whom I would swap for something longer lasting and stable if I could change the past. I have never dated men btw, I never found a guy like that as I have massive gargantuan trust issues about them.

[Stevenator_]

Apparently I missed the part between the phone call and the hospital?

But, in my past I've had multiple women I was romantically involved with that flipped TF out when I confessed my love of sucking dick. So, the good thing is that you're not alone.

I'd pose you question on r/AITA and I bet you'd get several hundred replies.

[SweetO]

Apparently I missed the part between the phone call and the hospital?

But, in my past I've had multiple women I was romantically involved with that flipped TF out when I confessed my love of sucking dick. So, the good thing is that you're not alone.

I'd pose you question on r/AITA and I bet you'd get several hundred replies.

Hello, thank you for your response

 I think I might not have explained myself well (I wrote from the hospital), but what makes me distrustful is that he didn't tell me earlier, even when we've discussed everything. He's talking about having a future together and he suddenly dared to deceive me about his age (this happened a few months ago): these are things that seem very strange to me, to first give one age, then another, and then turn out to be younger than me. That is, if I like you, I will like you whether you're 28, 34, or 98 years old. Age isn't definitive, you can be with someone much older than you and it works perfectly, or vice versa, be with someone 15 years younger than you and they are the love of your life. In our case, I'm 30 and he's 28; I don't know why he lied, the age difference isn't huge. Then there's the fact that he confesses his preferences through jokes (jokes that we've already made, about girls, about boys, saying who's hot in the entertainment world, who's the most beautiful international model, etc.) where he's very explicit about what he likes to do with boys, but he's never explained to me what he likes in bed with me... for instance. He also hasn't complimented other girls or anything like that. Hence my uncertainty and feeling that he might be playing games. I've told him everything about my life and my situation, and I'm realizing that I hardly know him.


The question is about finding out what he likes, if we're on the same page. And I'm talking about types of relationships (monogamous, open), sexual practices, etc. I'm not sure about the United States, but in Spain polyamory is becoming increasingly common, and I see that most bisexual people I know practice it to some degree. I also know of some heterosexual couples, but I have more references within the LGBTQ+ community. As I've said before, I'm not one to judge anyone's sexual preferences, but I believe I have the right to expect mutual honesty. Of course, I find it ridiculous that as soon as you meet someone, you classify yourself as if it were customs (Hello, my name is_____ and I'm a heterosexual from ____). I know the world doesn't work like that. But I've BEEN getting to know him for months, and I don't think the excuse of "biphobia exists" is fair. 
Of course it exists, but there are also a thousand other issues related to romantic and sexual relationships that also deserve to be validated (for the record, I'm not saying that you or someone on the forum isn't validating them, only that I believe a relationship isn't just about what you're sexually into; there are thousands of other elements to consider which get overlooked. And it seems like the easy way out to only talk about what you're sexually attracted to, and if you're not respected, everything is labeled as phobia, but when it's other issues, they get overlooked or minimized)



Though, I understand that everyone decides when to talk about their sexuality , but I think waiting 6 months is excessive, especially to then communicate it by saying "I'd totally hook up with Henry Cavill" - I just got hurt, that's all. 


Anyway...Thank you, Stevenator for listening to me