[Jessica Leigh]

I'm a person who likes boobs. I like them on women. Wish I had them. But I'm not about to start labeling myself as anything but male on Facebook. I don't believe in a Big Government conspiracy, but my friends and family might see it. And anything else would lead to an awkward conversation at the next holiday gathering.

Not ready to go there yet.

[GoneGirl]

I'm a person who likes boobs. I like them on women. Wish I had them. But I'm not about to start labeling myself as anything but male on Facebook. I don't believe in a Big Government conspiracy, but my friends and family might see it. And anything else would lead to an awkward conversation at the next holiday gathering.

Not ready to go there yet.

I feel pretty much the same way. I'm not about to use Facebook to out myself. If I did want to start that process in a sort of ambiguous way, I might select 'Neutrois' as my gender.

Sam Killermann describes it this way:

neutrois: this French-esque term, pronounced noo-TWA, is relatively new. It’s used by people who see themselves as gender neutral, people who don’t feel any gender is a big component of their identity.

It starts a conversation without slamming any doors shut.

Clara

[Missed Miss]

I'm not telling them anything else!! Let `em guess!! Besides, the FBI uses FB as their main source to research people they want to spy on!!

I don't use Facebook either.

I USE FB, but, it HAS become quite the pain in the ass the past few years. So very many people there that CLAIM they are my friends or have been my friends for decades, just can't seem to understand plain ordinary English there!!!! I say one thing to a good friend and they bite my head off and remove me from their friend list before I can even try to ask why, because I didn't say ANYTHING offensive or mean!! I've lost at least a dozen "friends" there in the past year or so because of this!! Some I've known for decades!!!!

[Missed Miss]

I'm a person who likes boobs. I like them on women. Wish I had them. But I'm not about to start labeling myself as anything but male on Facebook. I don't believe in a Big Government conspiracy, but my friends and family might see it. And anything else would lead to an awkward conversation at the next holiday gathering.

Not ready to go there yet.

It's not a big government conspiracy, the FBI has blatantly admitted that they use it to get info on people because people LOVE to post things about themselves!! It was even on t.v. a few times and you KNOW the t.v. NEVER lies!!

[GoneGirl]

Lately, I've been reveling in my new found feminine gender identity. It's been a lark, and I can foresee much more joy ahead. But, every once in awhile I'm reminded that I have a male component to my gender identity.

Side note: That previous sentence is so telling as to where I am today. Four months ago I would have written: I think I have a female component to my gender identity...

Last night, my DW was in a dispirited mood due to some things that happened during the day. I didn't pick up on it, although looking back, the signs were clearly there. I reacted as I might have pre-PM, that is, with a lack of empathy, and that set off the tears. I was suddenly kicked back into reality and ran to her rescue. I felt so bad to have acted with such insensitivity. I apologized several times, and we talked awhile which made her feel much better, and all is right again.

That is just one instance I could retell of my slipping back into my male gender perspective of the world. Could it be due to my lower dosage of PM that I'm on now (1000 mg/day)? Could it be triggered by the many heart breaking accounts of members of this forum who are struggling with their bi-gender conditions?

I'm also experiencing a tug-of-war going on between my male and female genders. My female side is not happy with my male side. She wants to erase as much masculinity from her body as possible, and, lately, she's been pretty much in control. So when these reversions to male mode happen, he's feeling put upon, vulnerable, even fearful that he's losing control and that his body is being undermined.

Does this strike a chord with anybody? Is this gender dysphoria? I'm fairly new to my cross gender awakening and NBE, so I'm wondering if others have gone through a similar experience. I'm pretty sure what the answers will be, but I'd like to hear others' perspectives. Is it a war that has an eventual winner and loser? What factors determine the outcome? How long does the process take? Is therapy called for to resolve such conflicts?

Clara (feeling a bit confused about the road ahead)

[Samantha Rogers]

Clara, I think what you are feeling is natural and to be expected. You swung a long way from where you were, and quickly. It only stands to reason that a lifetime of habitual male feelings, behaviors, mechanisms and thoughts will not just fade away and will rather struggle to reassert themselves. I would guess most of us have days more one than another. My takeaway from th AV essay, was that the trick is trying to find the balance for each individual that stabilizes the swinging pendulum in a position that allows sufficient satisfaction to both parts.
I think that the reason so many CDs feel shame after dressing is that they have given sufficient expression to the femme side to alleviate the anxiety only to find the male side crashing back into the void screaming "WTF have you done?)
But the chem side has an influence too. I have been off SP for two weeks now with no strong AA other than a cup or two of Spearmint tea. I have a Spearmint in capsule form coming, but in the meantime, I have definitely felt a lessening of the "pink fog" during this time. Your reduced dose of PM may be doing the same to you.
Listen to your body...find the balance. Right?

[GoneGirl]

Thanks for the support, Sammie. It's like you said: "the trick is trying to find a balance ... [to stabilize] the swinging pendulum in a position that allows sufficient satisfaction to both parts." My rational minds tell me you're right, but my emotions always have the final say, it seems. LOL

So, how do I know when the right balance has been achieved? Is it when I find that the pendulum has stopped swing? That is, when I no longer distinguish between my male and female personalities?

I could increase my PM dosage to see if the ambiguity clears up.

Clara

[Samantha Rogers]

"when I no longer distinguish between my two sides"

I would call that being "whole" and I would think that to be ideal. But how to find that in some kind of arrangement that gives expression on all levels that need it?
That is the rub...isn't it?

[Samantha Rogers]

Actually, I know at least one M2F post transition, post op, who has been essentially miserable since and now dresses and acts in a manner which while not exactly male, is pretty far in that direction. Never found that balance.