[EvaMarie]

I havent been honest with myself for long, only about 4 months now...
I have always loved women but looking back I can see the best relationships were the ones where I felt like a "male lesbian" aside from a few years at my sexual peak around 17-21 years old where I could fuck a girl all night over and over Ive never felt comfortable being a "top"...

I dont think I ever came across as a sissy to anyone, (at first at least) because I had my act down pretty good but it took a long time to get there, I never even realized I was acting, just wondered why I didnt think like my male friends when it came to women... I always used to figure it was my smallish cock, but thats not all of it because I have been with many women and they stuck around... The ones that really clicked with me were very submissive and it was almost like I was a butch lesbian... I was a good looking young "man" and I did pretty well with the ladies back then but there were some that were
either downright cruel to me and seemed to see right through my act and they loved to point it out in subtle ways to me... We were never involved sexually and not really friends, just in the same social circles... There were others that put me in the girlfriend category and we were never involved sexually because I now realize they saw me as "one of the girls" they could talk to about all their boyfriend troubles...

A couple of male friends were very good with women and they always treated them like crap and I could never figure out why they would want to do that or why the women seemed to love it.... These guys used to give me a lot of crap about what I always thought was my "sensitive side"... I often wonder if they ever knew id fantasize about being their bitch??? That used to give me so much guilt and shame and self hatred that I made up for it by being hyper masculine and overcompensating in many ways once puberty hit and I finally started to fill out.... My "bad boy" act was just an act that many people saw right through though....

There were a few times I can remember when I was very young feeling very depressed knowing I was not like all the the other boys and wishing I was one of the girls... When I was 13 a girl I was friends with and her older sister did me up girly all the way one day... They did full make up and curled my long hair and put me in a bra and panties and a skirt and blouse... I was humiliated when they said I looked much better as a girl and look at how pretty I am... I gotta admit they were right... The shame and guilt I felt after that made me avoid those two like the plague after that.... Oh how I wish I knew them now!!!

I grew up in the suburbs of Chicago... I always liked cars and I was pretty good at fixing them but I wasnt making much $$$ at the mechanics jobs I had... I had a chance to get a job at a steel forge shop... It was very hard hot dirty work... No place for a sissy, these were hard men that worked there...
It was my chance to finally prove I was a "real man", I was 21 and a skinny little wimp... I dont know what it was about that job I liked but I did very well there... The work was insanely hard physically.... This was in the 90's when all the good US manufacturing jobs were leaving our country.... The nature of these heavy forgings insured that place would never go offshore though.... I left that place at 39 a multi millionaire and havent worked a day since....

My last girlfriend was a very high maintenance girly girl gold digger type... I really think she only was with me because of my $$$ but she was a very open minded nice person... I was a total failure in bed with her though.... After about 1 1/2 years we broke up and not long after that I moved out here to the Black Hills South Dakota....

After getting nowhere with women for three years and living out here all alone far from my old friends and family she finally knew it was time to come out and there is no stopping her!!!

I had done some CD'ing about 10 years earlier but there was no way I could ever really get serious with it.... My job paid too good... Yet when I was into that the guys at work could tell I was getting girly I think... And so could my friends and family so I put her away in shame and guilt.... It just wasnt time yet....

Well its way past time now!!! In the last 4-5 months Ive lost more than 30 lbs and Ive got quite the girly wardrobe now.... It felt so good to finally go all the way with the girly dressing... All shaved and smooth and "dolled up"....

I wrote my ex back in Chicago a long letter confessing everything and sent a few pics of my real pretty self... She took it very well and we are now great friends...

Then one day I decided to put a pic of my girly self on my boring ass online dating profile and write a few women that looked like good prospective mistresses.... I told them straight up everything and stressed how I wanted an open, honest no BS relationship.... One wrote back and she was interested....
Our first date I went to her house for coffee all dolled up!!! We talked for about 4 hours and she accepted me totally.... It was great to finally be the real me with a woman and there is no going back now, no fucking way...

Right now the only thing that really keeps me from going all the way to the other side and coming out to family and going on real pharma hormones is the fact that Im bald... The thought of having to wear a wig for the rest of my life really sucks....

Ive been on the PM for 2 months now and I can feel my tits starting to grow.... I do not get off on "cross dressing" aside from feeling like its an expression of the real me...

I have the $$$, I could go all the way.... Its scary as hell though....

[Samantha Rogers]

LittleMiss I have heard similar stories all over the place, so you are not alone at all, sweetheart.

Luckily for you you are well off enough to do whatever you want, which is a real plus. I would suggest that something that might help you decide would be to find opportunities to get out and around others. Of course, I expect the Dakotas are not the best place for finding other girls like us. But with your resources there are plenty of options.

Major cities (LA, Vegas,Chicago etc) offer "makeover" services, where you can get professional assistance in learning how to maximize your assets. One of the best, apparently, is Phoebe Cross who is located near Atlanta. She is supposed to be brilliant at helping girls find the absolute best clothing style and wig shape and so on for those like us, and her services are reasonable. Her background is in hair and makeup for film but also with a lot of experience around TG people. She even allows you to stay at her bed and breakfast style farm while going through the makeover during your weekend there. And Atlanta is very TG friendly and Phoebe will even escort you on an outing to a local restaurant or club if you like, so you can experience being out with your new "look".

And then there are the various events that take place around the country. These are usually multi day events that take place in and around a major hotel in a TG friendly market, and draw girls from all over the country to an environment where they can be en femme for several days in a row, surrounded by resources and friendly faces, and a wide variety of opportunities to interact with others in different settings. All many of seminars are offered, from wig choice and makeup to HRT advice to voice feminization assistance and everything else you might want. And all of this is coupled with meals, dances, outings and formal events designed to give every possible growth opportunity.

One such is Keystone in Harrisburg, PA, unfortunately taking place next week I believe.

But another takes place in Atlanta in early September and is the largest in the country. By all accounts it is heaven. I plan to attend that one this year. It is called Southern Comfort. A quick google of that name coupled with "TG" and you will locate it. Hotel reservations are already open and convention registration begins on April 1. I believe Phoebe Cross is usually in residence there during the event and available throughout for consultations. There are others as well, of course.

My point is that it seems you have a pretty good idea of yourself, and resources to explore further. Why not see how it feels? The only way you will know, is to see how it feels to be yourself, en femme, in everyday situations. No one finds happiness in solitude. The closet of a home is still a closet. For some, that is the best option and the only option they have. I sense that is not the case for you. I get the feeling you are dying to "let the girl out". I can relate.

As to the wig, well, not much to do in that department, but I assure you that a properly fitted wig, in a style that suits your facial features and age bracket, can be very comfortable and also make a world of difference in how you feel about yourself. If it is a good one and well fitted, you quickly forget you are wearing it and it just becomes part of you.

One last suggestion.

This site is great for all the wonderful people here, and for the love and support, as well as for all the great knowledge and information available here. But in the greater sphere of the TG world, there are other sites that go way beyond the resources here. After all, we are a tiny corner of this world for those trying to grow breasts through herbs. Many TG people dispute the value of herbal HRT and thus shun this site (their loss!) But for other forms of support (hair, makeup, clothing, support with emotional issues, SO's, therapists etc) I suggest getting involved over at http://www.crossdressers.com (do NOT mention herbs there! very antagonistic response and even rules against it), or at Susan's Place http://www.susans.org.
On these sites you can see just how many more of us there are, make friends, and get a lot of information and support.

All of these resources are available. And you, honey, are in the exceptionally enviable position of being unencumbered by children, unsupportive spouse or lack of financial wherewithal. Many would kill to trade places with you...tee hee.

You may, upon gaining further experience and confidence, decide you want to go further. And you may discover it is not for you after all. But the best way to know is to explore, isn't it?

Oh, one little thing, LittleMiss... and I don't want to offend you, honey... but this site caters to bio males, but is essentially set up for gg's. Though none of us are "morality police" it might not be the best site for getting too much into kinky stuff. All our comments show up on the main board under "new postings" and are seen by a wide range of people. Eve, the administrator, is an absolute angel, and gives us free range to talk about whatever we like, but we don't want to abuse that. If you want to discuss "lifestyle issues" and I understand wanting to share that side of yourself, PM's to other members, or other sites more attuned to that (https://fetlife.com is one, I am told) are probably a better bet. Most all the members here are, at least to the best of my knowledge, pretty straight and mostly hetero. Again, just a gentle suggestion aimed at keeping everyone happy, ok?

Good luck, honey! It sounds like you are on a good path for yourself finally. We are glad you found your way here. Welcome home, sister!

[EvaMarie]

Thank you for the well thought out and written reply Sammie I cant tell you how nice it is to get this kind of stuff off my "chest" with someone who understands me

Nothing against the TG community but after going to a couple of local TG support group meetings (yes there is a TG support group here in ultra conservative western SD) I really didnt get much out of it except for the contact info of a place that does laser for one of the girls and a TG friendly therapist and doctor refferal....

Now I cant speak for all TG girls but the ones I met there had a big time "victim mentality" that totally turns me off, I really want nothing to do with those kind of people TG or not... I know they are not all like that though and Im willing to give anyone chance, I do not judge or like being judged...

I have decided to give the NBE a while to work before going through the official channels but the desire is there to quit screwing around and just get on with it already...

I do not have it all figured out by any means but I do know that I will not live a lie any longer... I am very fortunate to be in the position Im in no doubt and I am proud of my past accomplishments, I do not hate the man I was but there is no going back to the act and hiding my true self anymore...

Coming out to family is going to have to happen because Im a terrible liar and there has been and Im sure there will continue to be a drastic change in my appearance in a short time....

My family has NO IDEA any of this is going on so Im sure they would be shocked at my appearance these days dressed as guy and its only gonna get worse (actually better in my eyes)... They are all many hours away from here...

My hope is they will be shocked at just how damn pretty I am but I know its gonna blow their minds, I just hope they dont worry too much about me...

Its gonna suck Im sure, I cant be sure how they will react but if they disown me thats their problem not mine.... I do not depend on them for ANYTHING... Still thats a big one staring right at me thats gonna have to be dealt with... I am trying very hard to make some real world supportive friends to help me through that....

I have been on the other sites you mentioned and to be honest they depress me, they mostly do not seem happy with themselves no matter what they do... I do not like being labeled, I am what I am...

My goal is to make friends with "normal" everyday women and men and be accepted as me and all that entails...

I will not go into kinky details but I will say that people in the BDSM scene are generally very open minded and welcoming to TG girls...
I am a very good maid A polyamourous "family" or "marriage" is my goal

I have no desire to spend a ton of cash on super high end clothes and make up, Im just a simple country girl who also happens to be a mechanical genius with a killer set of tools that can fix anything and an expert "markswoman" I feel GG are the best teachers for a girl like me as far as style goes... I mostly like to go casual and blend in anyway... But lately I also think men are a key piece of really setting the inner girl free....

As far as going to the big cities goes, thats really not for me anymore... I spent my whole life near Chicago and I always dreamed of moving to the country, I love it here but I also realize I may end up having to move yet again to find what I want...

Its my belief that people are the same wherever you go, some places are just more accepting than others unfortunately...

[Samantha Rogers]

Fair, enough, honey.
You sound like a girl who pretty much knows her own mind and that's great!
Well, you are among friends here. If there is anything you need to know just ask, OK?
Hugs

[Robbin]

Good luck were are all here to help you. I myself has trouble sometimes with changes . My mood swings are sometimes the cause of it.

[Elisaustin]

Welcome to our little world LittleMiss.

[EvaMarie]

Thanks girls for reading and your support, as you know this can be a lonely place to be