[...]
While I now know I am bi, while trying to pass as a man, I was seriously relationship-phobic.

It is hard to have an honest relationship with someone when we are lying to their face....
I.E., we are dishonest with them because we need to filter everything we say and do... Must make sure it's "male" enough. Cannot react emotionally. Cannot say, "that's cute!" or "How could she wear THAT?!" - or even react normally.
I'll give a "violence" example. A man is insulting us. Looking for violence, actually. Even a strong man knows there's risk in a fight. Women... Seem to not get this. When a woman fights, though, there's nothing held back. Wildcat, usually, going for eyes, hair, ears, clawing at the face.
A man will punch, and cover up to protect the body.
So our "friend" looking for a fight? If we respond in kind, responding to his implicit violence? We go overboard, cause severe damage (woman's targets with a man's strength.) And if we socially deflect or walk away, which a woman will do - asking for help, say, or expecting it from other males....? We're pussies, not men.

No win situation.

Social interactions?
Well, the woman showing off her engagement ring? The man's response has to be something like, "That's nice! Congratulations!" Not asking about the event, how she felt, when's the wedding, oh that was romantic, etc. No empathy. Nothing, in fact.

If a man does do that...? Does empathize, does ask the "girly" questions? "Hand in your man card!" (Or, he's deemed gay. Same diff for our purposes...)

See a woman wearing traffic-cone orange nail color? Man isn't supposed to notice that. A woman can talk about it, and how it clashes with the outfit, besides being garish...
(I made that mistake myself. But WTF, it was TRAFFIC. CONE. ORANGE.)

So we are hiding who we are, and only connecting in a VERY limited fashion. And even then, it's not authentic. So we are forced to wonder what THEY are hiding? And it's not the soccer mom who is also a professional Domme sort of hiding - we've hidden who we are, and cannot be open or honest as a result.

I think that's what you're referring to, Abi...

-Dianna

I think that's what you're referring to, Abi...

Oh, that was likely part of it, subconsciously perhaps, but at the time I really didn't understand it myself. All I knew was that I was completely, and seemingly irrationally, frightened to death of getting truly close to anyone. And you have to get truly close to someone to court them. I knew this guy was extremely dense and totally oblivious, but... I mean, c'mon. How can you be THAT oblivious not to notice a friend of yours is scared to death of getting any closer friends? I happen to know that most people did notice it, and many were concerned about it. I didn't understand it myself though, so it's not like anyone could help me with it.

Abi,
We may genetically be male, but we are inherently more prone to instrospection than most males - and essentially all females.
Partly the modern era, partly the feeling of being "Wrong."

My friends of the past aren't exactly morons, but... You'd wonder.

Had a long post backing it up, but I ramble too much anyway. ;-)
-Dianna

Sorry for the delay in getting back here, it`s been a heck of week+ but not in the way outlined in my original post. That seemed to have been resolved a Lot faster than I anticipated

Firstly thank you all SO MUCH! for advice, care and offers of help, that was way more than anyone could have expected, and I`m so proud to be one of you guys!

When she finally did get back home that day, noticed the empty bottle and much of my stuff missing, we sort of had a "Chat".
But in a nut shell she demanded that I return all the stuff to where it was which was doable as I`d boxed everything up and shoved it all in the attic (never knew I had so many clothes, shoes and accesories!).
then to top it off I must have missed a knock at the door from the delivery guy with my hormones, and she showed me the ticket to pick them up.
Im all like "F**k it, what`s the point in collecting them anyway etc..." she storms out and comes back 20 mins later with the parcel, drops them on the desk and tells me open them.
After about 10 mins of resistance, I eventually capitulate and open them.

and there they are in all their little uniform glory carfully lined up and banded together just as I`d imagined them some 20+ years ago.
I still kept fighting, until she threatened to pin me down and force them down my throat, and she can Easily do that!!!!! being a 2`nd dan black belt and having about 100lbs on me, I can`t fight off my 6 year old.

Now, i`d been off any HRT that was having an effect for about a week, and I was totally stoned on booze, I took 1 estrogen pill (only 2mg EV), and in about 20 mins I had what can only be descrobed as a "Cold flash", like the opposite of Hot flash, the most Bizare of sensations!
and about 30 mins after that I started calming down a bit and we had a talk.
I think she realises now that being trans is NOT a Choice, no one sane would deliberately Chose this, I also came across this to help her: http://buttersafe.com/2012/08/16/the-seasick-squid/

she also knows how strongly I feel that to even Consider the "Nuclear Option" for our relationship when other options hadn`t been spoken about or considered has in itself disturbing implications (to me anyway).
But she will often speak first and think later, even with trivial things, and tends to start most of her sentances with "no..." (something else I don`t like).

Long story short, 2 days later she got my stuff out the attic and they`re all back where they should be, she noticed that there`s a lack of online resources for partner of trans people, so I found the only one I could on a reddit site called mypartneristrans.

I`v been on synthetics for 10 days now, she even reminds/asks me if I`v taken them, and actively encourages me to be me at every opportunity.
That has had the benefit of actually Showing her now through Real Life experience, that it`s Nothing like her run-wild imagination, and really quite "ordinary" in that I don`t want to wear great big pink frilly tutus act like a mincing over sibilant gay stereotype with drag queen make-up on LOL
rather a pair of boot cut jeans, flatsies, and a cotton top with a little ebroidery on the shoulder parts.

I think part of this is My fault too though, if I wasn`t so insecure, and still having the programming that says it`s something Shameful and to Hide, rather that actually Own it (and not just on an intelectual level but an Emotional one too), and not want to run away and hide at the slightest bit of critique, or normal tense moment that happens with couples anyway and not having to Instantly jump into Male mode/defensive (that feels ridiculous in a dress!), maybe then I`ll stand a better chance?

but aaaanyway, just thought I`d let you all know that I`m fine now, and I Really appreciate the concern here for me, you guys are the BEST!!!!

XXX

That's great, I'm so glad you were able to sort some of the problems out with your wife. Nothing makes this easier than a supportive spouse. Even if they don't fully understand.

Hi Katie, I'm glad to hear that things are going better now.

Hi Katie,

Happy to hear things are getting better

In response to your comment about limited resources for partners, I've building a link collection, and there are quite a few links for family, spouses/partners. Lots of reading but I hope you and others may find them helpful.

FetLife Group: For Intimates, Partners, Friends, and Family of Trans/Intersex Folk

HRC Resources

First Time, Second Time

CrossDreamers Resources for Partners

TS RoadMap Family/Spouse Resources

My Partner is Trans, so what now?

TransPartners Project

Daily Strength: Spouses of Trans Group

LGBT My Partner is Trans

NHS.uk My Transgender Partner

Trans Central: For Spouses/Significant Others

GenderCentre: Trans Person in Your Life

Laura's Playground: Partner/Family Support Articles

GLBT Near Me

LGBT Find-A-Center

PFLAG

Think that's all. Take care and smile often.