[Allyson]

It still amazes me sometimes how similar all our paths seem to be.  Though we start from different places, and are on different glide slopes, different timelines, we seem headed for the same pond.  "If you play around the edge of the pond long enough, eventually you will slip and fall in."

[polymorphis]

Thank you everyone for your comments. I really do appreciate it a lot. 

Julie> OK, research showed that estrogen influences brain function - how we feel and think. But I don't think my uncertainty and all my feelings are caused just by taking PM. You know, for me crossdressing was never about dressing. For me it was always about body. Sometimes I felt (and still feel) excited just by thinking about myself having body of a woman. I begun with soft body modifications to appear more feminine many many years ago as a teenager. I even tried chi-massages in my 20s. And I have to ask myself: If I would give a name to feelings that pushed me to do that, what would the name be? And the answer is apparently - gender dysphoria.

So right now it is like: I feel pressure to modify my body to more feminine appearance while not taking PM and I feel more satisfied with myself while taking PM, but at the same moment I experience anxiety that by doing so I am doing something wrong AND simultaneously destroying my future, because it is possible that I am moving toward transition...

Sofia> Yes Sofia... very deep soul searching. But my answers are somewhere inside me. I really think that for many starting with NBE is just symptom of gender dysphoria. I begin to think that it was like that with me... When I look at myself in a mirror now, I am much more satisfied then before NBE. So part of that uneasy feeling is corrected. I think not starting with NBE would possibly mean just postponing awakening of that awareness to a later time period.

katieinhiding> Thank you for your reply and for your story. I have to admit that reading it felt nice . I am really good in questioning myself and I question everything I do. Doubts are my constant companion. It is true that I should worry less... and go more with the flow. And I am openly admitting that becoming more feminine feels ... right. Anyway, good luck with your FFS! I think that for public life it is even more important than GRS.

Stevenator> Thank you for your wishes. I'll try to remain strong.

Allyson> Water in that pond looks clear and refreshing. However, it is quite deep. I have to first learn how to swim before thinking about jumping in .

Poly

[julieTG]

So right now it is like: I feel pressure to modify my body to more feminine appearance while not taking PM and I feel more satisfied with myself while taking PM, but at the same moment I experience anxiety that by doing so I am doing something wrong AND simultaneously destroying my future, because it is possible that I am moving toward transition...

as said Poly

the above is the real classic dilemma for many/most on this board ?

far worse for you though as your a babe

x

Julie

[Pansy-Mae]

So right now it is like: I feel pressure to modify my body to more feminine appearance while not taking PM and I feel more satisfied with myself while taking PM, but at the same moment I experience anxiety that by doing so I am doing something wrong AND simultaneously destroying my future, because it is possible that I am moving toward transition...

Poly,
As Julie said, those yo-yo feelings are common to many of us, so  we can empathise with you.
I would suggest that you might make a major step in your life journey if you can make yourself understand that whichever way that step takes you, forward, backward or sideways, you are NOT doing anything WRONG. There is nothing inherantly wrong with transitioning, with going back to fully male, or with staying in the middle in some form.
Finally I would suggest that if you are NEEDING to fully transition, then not going through with it is far more likely destroy your future, mentally, than the difficulties that proceeding will bring.

[jannet.duff]

Finally I would suggest that if you are NEEDING to fully transition, then not going through with it is far more likely destroy your future, mentally, than the difficulties that proceeding will bring.

For some reason after reading this,  the delicate tune of the Clash's " should I stay or should I go " comes to mind.

[julieTG]

Or we could all read 

Mistys last post just and then read her previous threads and look at the supreme levels of illusion we can all succumb too ?

Julie

See recent post today

[polymorphis]

Pansy-Mae> Thank you for the kind feedback. I know that going either way is not "wrong", but one thing is to be intellectually aware of the fact and "feeling" and "accepting" is something different. It is a gradual process. But I can tell one thing - completely neglect my feminine side and go fully back feels not right. It would be similar to hypermasculinisation some TS do trying to deny their true self. And I agree with you that suppressing something and push it into subconscious could be destructive long term. I strive for the individuation and not suppression, denial and fragmentation. And I think that this urge to learn more about ourselves is a challenge but also a gift all transgender people share.

Jannet>    ... well ... I am not decided to "go". Right now, I just want to learn more about myself and my motives.

Julie> Misty's post really is impressive. But that being said, can we really tell who succumb to an illusion? It indeed might be all of us. But as stress from "normal life" can push a crossdresser towards thoughts about transition, another kind of stress connected to feminisation can push a transgendered individual towards suppression. And health related issues can be very stressful. Now, I am not telling it is this case, but what I try to emphasize is that we should be careful about over-generalisation.

However, that post only reassured me that having an appointment with a therapist is a good idea. Too bad I have to wait almost 3 months...

Poly

[dcdee]

This post, along with Misty's have made me do some soul searching and reflection concerning my motives and the extent i desire to feminize my body.  There are things i do like about being male.  I do love things about being female.  There are things i hate about being either gender.  I wish i could just be the quintessential tom boy we all knew and accepted.  The girl who likes to do guy things.
Should I see a therapist.  Maybe.  But all a therapist does is allow me to express my feelings and talk things through in a nonjudgmental manner.  It seems that Poly and others have found a venue to express their feelings in ways they cannot and more imprtantly recieved feed back from different point fo view, providing food for thought, just as a therapist will. 

Poly, thank you for sharing your trials and tribulations.  And thank you to everyone else who has shared their journey.  Hopefully i will get the courage to do the same, sooner rather than later.

God bless

christina