So, in a “re-introduction” post a week or so ago, I said that I’d come to fully admit I was transgender, and that as a result I was more content – I thought I might expand on ME a bit.
What happened to change my perspective? I wish I could answer that question, I don’t honestly know.
Firstly a historical thumbnail of me: I’ve known I was bisexual for a long time, but it took me a long time to even think it, let alone come to terms with it. The cross dressing started – possibly like many - I tried my mums stuff on as a kid, no idea why, almost as a dare to myself, but never dreamt I’d take it any further. Fast forward many years, found some clothes a girlfriend had left behind, “naturally” tried them on, and something clicked inside – it felt good, very good. BUT, cross dressing was a wierdo’s fetish, and not something that was “natural”. But then over the years it became more natural. Then came the buy-purge-buy-purge vicious cycle; and finally the buy-no purge. And all of this ran in parallel to my exploring my bi-sexual side more actively.
I’ve not seen a therapist; I’ve not been diagnosed with any genetic, psychological or hormonal imbalance. But I have been doing a lot of research and reading on transgenderism vs. cross-dressing and fetish vs. reality, trying to rationalise things, and trying to figure out this internal conflict: why was I trying to grow breasts?, where was I going?, what was my end game?, what was I trying to achieve?, was this a fetish thing?
I’m still not really sure I have any definitive answers. But one day, about 2-years ago, it sort of hit me… what if… could I actually be… am I… transgender? OK, well if I am, then this now all makes perfect sense, I can relax and get on with life, still not sure where I'm eventually going to end up, but at least I understand why I've been so confused and conflicted
But, even having made that internal decision, I still kind-of live in “three” different auto-tune modes, all of which are situationally spontaneous, it’s not like I have to deliberately say to myself “act this way”, it just happens...
In my 9-5 life mode, I think and live, like most stereo-typical males, I have a female partner, and kids, I admire women, I like women, I want to “be” with women (some more than others) - but, I also find I’m envious and jealous of their femininity and their clothes and their heels, etc., at the same time. What I find interesting, is that in this mode, I don’t actually find myself looking at men and lusting after them. I can admire a sharp suit or a finely chiselled jaw, and I’d go so far as to say I’m jealous of good looking handsome men, and their ability to “pull good looking chicks” – although it has to be said, I have begun to find that a nice “package” inside tight pants, or jeans, is difficult to avoid starting at.
In my “down the gay sauna” mode, it’s all about smooth bodies, tight buns, what’s hanging between a guy’s legs, and when can I get some of it. Oddly enough, for me, nude beaches, other than getting an all-over tan, used to be all about the exhibitionism, and trying to attract women (and failing most times, except for two French women one summer in Greece LOL). But looking back, I realise now it was all that, and more - envy for how a woman could attract attention (from anyone) by simply being there, even before she got undressed. I wanted that ability, to attract attention, but from women - or so I thought - it’s only recently I’ve realised/accepted that what I also really wanted, was men to look at me in that way.
In my feminine mode, I’m a woman who wants that man, over there, you... no, not you... you, in those tight jeans... yes... you... take me and use me, I’m hotter than a hot place on a really hot day, and woe betide that 25-yr old leggy glamour puss if she gets in my way, and in fact how dare she have the nerve to wear the same skirt as me. As for the rest of you... “gents”... try harder, iron your shirts, and wear less cologne next time.
I don’t know where, or when, this “changeling” aspect to my character appeared, but it did/has and I love it, but it still surprises me that, without thinking, I can switch between modes so easily. Whether it continues, or whether I'll end up focusing on one aspect more than others, remains to be seen.
What happened to change my perspective? I wish I could answer that question, I don’t honestly know.
Firstly a historical thumbnail of me: I’ve known I was bisexual for a long time, but it took me a long time to even think it, let alone come to terms with it. The cross dressing started – possibly like many - I tried my mums stuff on as a kid, no idea why, almost as a dare to myself, but never dreamt I’d take it any further. Fast forward many years, found some clothes a girlfriend had left behind, “naturally” tried them on, and something clicked inside – it felt good, very good. BUT, cross dressing was a wierdo’s fetish, and not something that was “natural”. But then over the years it became more natural. Then came the buy-purge-buy-purge vicious cycle; and finally the buy-no purge. And all of this ran in parallel to my exploring my bi-sexual side more actively.
I’ve not seen a therapist; I’ve not been diagnosed with any genetic, psychological or hormonal imbalance. But I have been doing a lot of research and reading on transgenderism vs. cross-dressing and fetish vs. reality, trying to rationalise things, and trying to figure out this internal conflict: why was I trying to grow breasts?, where was I going?, what was my end game?, what was I trying to achieve?, was this a fetish thing?
I’m still not really sure I have any definitive answers. But one day, about 2-years ago, it sort of hit me… what if… could I actually be… am I… transgender? OK, well if I am, then this now all makes perfect sense, I can relax and get on with life, still not sure where I'm eventually going to end up, but at least I understand why I've been so confused and conflicted
But, even having made that internal decision, I still kind-of live in “three” different auto-tune modes, all of which are situationally spontaneous, it’s not like I have to deliberately say to myself “act this way”, it just happens...
In my 9-5 life mode, I think and live, like most stereo-typical males, I have a female partner, and kids, I admire women, I like women, I want to “be” with women (some more than others) - but, I also find I’m envious and jealous of their femininity and their clothes and their heels, etc., at the same time. What I find interesting, is that in this mode, I don’t actually find myself looking at men and lusting after them. I can admire a sharp suit or a finely chiselled jaw, and I’d go so far as to say I’m jealous of good looking handsome men, and their ability to “pull good looking chicks” – although it has to be said, I have begun to find that a nice “package” inside tight pants, or jeans, is difficult to avoid starting at.
In my “down the gay sauna” mode, it’s all about smooth bodies, tight buns, what’s hanging between a guy’s legs, and when can I get some of it. Oddly enough, for me, nude beaches, other than getting an all-over tan, used to be all about the exhibitionism, and trying to attract women (and failing most times, except for two French women one summer in Greece LOL). But looking back, I realise now it was all that, and more - envy for how a woman could attract attention (from anyone) by simply being there, even before she got undressed. I wanted that ability, to attract attention, but from women - or so I thought - it’s only recently I’ve realised/accepted that what I also really wanted, was men to look at me in that way.
In my feminine mode, I’m a woman who wants that man, over there, you... no, not you... you, in those tight jeans... yes... you... take me and use me, I’m hotter than a hot place on a really hot day, and woe betide that 25-yr old leggy glamour puss if she gets in my way, and in fact how dare she have the nerve to wear the same skirt as me. As for the rest of you... “gents”... try harder, iron your shirts, and wear less cologne next time.
I don’t know where, or when, this “changeling” aspect to my character appeared, but it did/has and I love it, but it still surprises me that, without thinking, I can switch between modes so easily. Whether it continues, or whether I'll end up focusing on one aspect more than others, remains to be seen.
