So, in a “re-introduction” post a week or so ago, I said that I’d come to fully admit I was transgender, and that as a result I was more content – I thought I might expand on ME a bit.
What happened to change my perspective? I wish I could answer that question, I don’t honestly know.
Firstly a historical thumbnail of me: I’ve known I was bisexual for a long time, but it took me a long time to even think it, let alone come to terms with it. The cross dressing started – possibly like many - I tried my mums stuff on as a kid, no idea why, almost as a dare to myself, but never dreamt I’d take it any further. Fast forward many years, found some clothes a girlfriend had left behind, “naturally” tried them on, and something clicked inside – it felt good, very good. BUT, cross dressing was a wierdo’s fetish, and not something that was “natural”. But then over the years it became more natural. Then came the buy-purge-buy-purge vicious cycle; and finally the buy-no purge. And all of this ran in parallel to my exploring my bi-sexual side more actively.
I’ve not seen a therapist; I’ve not been diagnosed with any genetic, psychological or hormonal imbalance. But I have been doing a lot of research and reading on transgenderism vs. cross-dressing and fetish vs. reality, trying to rationalise things, and trying to figure out this internal conflict: why was I trying to grow breasts?, where was I going?, what was my end game?, what was I trying to achieve?, was this a fetish thing?
I’m still not really sure I have any definitive answers. But one day, about 2-years ago, it sort of hit me… what if… could I actually be… am I… transgender? OK, well if I am, then this now all makes perfect sense, I can relax and get on with life, still not sure where I'm eventually going to end up, but at least I understand why I've been so confused and conflicted
But, even having made that internal decision, I still kind-of live in “three” different auto-tune modes, all of which are situationally spontaneous, it’s not like I have to deliberately say to myself “act this way”, it just happens...
In my 9-5 life mode, I think and live, like most stereo-typical males, I have a female partner, and kids, I admire women, I like women, I want to “be” with women (some more than others) - but, I also find I’m envious and jealous of their femininity and their clothes and their heels, etc., at the same time. What I find interesting, is that in this mode, I don’t actually find myself looking at men and lusting after them. I can admire a sharp suit or a finely chiselled jaw, and I’d go so far as to say I’m jealous of good looking handsome men, and their ability to “pull good looking chicks” – although it has to be said, I have begun to find that a nice “package” inside tight pants, or jeans, is difficult to avoid starting at.
In my “down the gay sauna” mode, it’s all about smooth bodies, tight buns, what’s hanging between a guy’s legs, and when can I get some of it. Oddly enough, for me, nude beaches, other than getting an all-over tan, used to be all about the exhibitionism, and trying to attract women (and failing most times, except for two French women one summer in Greece LOL). But looking back, I realise now it was all that, and more - envy for how a woman could attract attention (from anyone) by simply being there, even before she got undressed. I wanted that ability, to attract attention, but from women - or so I thought - it’s only recently I’ve realised/accepted that what I also really wanted, was men to look at me in that way.
In my feminine mode, I’m a woman who wants that man, over there, you... no, not you... you, in those tight jeans... yes... you... take me and use me, I’m hotter than a hot place on a really hot day, and woe betide that 25-yr old leggy glamour puss if she gets in my way, and in fact how dare she have the nerve to wear the same skirt as me. As for the rest of you... “gents”... try harder, iron your shirts, and wear less cologne next time.
I don’t know where, or when, this “changeling” aspect to my character appeared, but it did/has and I love it, but it still surprises me that, without thinking, I can switch between modes so easily. Whether it continues, or whether I'll end up focusing on one aspect more than others, remains to be seen.
What happened to change my perspective? I wish I could answer that question, I don’t honestly know.
Firstly a historical thumbnail of me: I’ve known I was bisexual for a long time, but it took me a long time to even think it, let alone come to terms with it. The cross dressing started – possibly like many - I tried my mums stuff on as a kid, no idea why, almost as a dare to myself, but never dreamt I’d take it any further. Fast forward many years, found some clothes a girlfriend had left behind, “naturally” tried them on, and something clicked inside – it felt good, very good. BUT, cross dressing was a wierdo’s fetish, and not something that was “natural”. But then over the years it became more natural. Then came the buy-purge-buy-purge vicious cycle; and finally the buy-no purge. And all of this ran in parallel to my exploring my bi-sexual side more actively.
I’ve not seen a therapist; I’ve not been diagnosed with any genetic, psychological or hormonal imbalance. But I have been doing a lot of research and reading on transgenderism vs. cross-dressing and fetish vs. reality, trying to rationalise things, and trying to figure out this internal conflict: why was I trying to grow breasts?, where was I going?, what was my end game?, what was I trying to achieve?, was this a fetish thing?
I’m still not really sure I have any definitive answers. But one day, about 2-years ago, it sort of hit me… what if… could I actually be… am I… transgender? OK, well if I am, then this now all makes perfect sense, I can relax and get on with life, still not sure where I'm eventually going to end up, but at least I understand why I've been so confused and conflicted
But, even having made that internal decision, I still kind-of live in “three” different auto-tune modes, all of which are situationally spontaneous, it’s not like I have to deliberately say to myself “act this way”, it just happens...
In my 9-5 life mode, I think and live, like most stereo-typical males, I have a female partner, and kids, I admire women, I like women, I want to “be” with women (some more than others) - but, I also find I’m envious and jealous of their femininity and their clothes and their heels, etc., at the same time. What I find interesting, is that in this mode, I don’t actually find myself looking at men and lusting after them. I can admire a sharp suit or a finely chiselled jaw, and I’d go so far as to say I’m jealous of good looking handsome men, and their ability to “pull good looking chicks” – although it has to be said, I have begun to find that a nice “package” inside tight pants, or jeans, is difficult to avoid starting at.
In my “down the gay sauna” mode, it’s all about smooth bodies, tight buns, what’s hanging between a guy’s legs, and when can I get some of it. Oddly enough, for me, nude beaches, other than getting an all-over tan, used to be all about the exhibitionism, and trying to attract women (and failing most times, except for two French women one summer in Greece LOL). But looking back, I realise now it was all that, and more - envy for how a woman could attract attention (from anyone) by simply being there, even before she got undressed. I wanted that ability, to attract attention, but from women - or so I thought - it’s only recently I’ve realised/accepted that what I also really wanted, was men to look at me in that way.
In my feminine mode, I’m a woman who wants that man, over there, you... no, not you... you, in those tight jeans... yes... you... take me and use me, I’m hotter than a hot place on a really hot day, and woe betide that 25-yr old leggy glamour puss if she gets in my way, and in fact how dare she have the nerve to wear the same skirt as me. As for the rest of you... “gents”... try harder, iron your shirts, and wear less cologne next time.
I don’t know where, or when, this “changeling” aspect to my character appeared, but it did/has and I love it, but it still surprises me that, without thinking, I can switch between modes so easily. Whether it continues, or whether I'll end up focusing on one aspect more than others, remains to be seen.
This post was last modified: 27-01-2019, 02:08 AM by kimi9r.
Hi Kimi!
Like Julie said Keep writing...Please.
In some ways your journey has paralleled my own, but I haven't gotten to the 'I'm a woman and I want that man' yet.
I have times when I watch a romantic movie and picture myself in the role of the woman, but then a reality sets in.. I dont know how to move like a woman, think like a woman, nor do I know what to do once the clothes are off and the the truth be known. I dont have the important woman parts.
One of my many downfalls is watching Dancing with the stars.
The dancers have everything I want to be. Beautiful, graceful and sexy! And oh how I'd love to be able to fit in there just once.
But alas I go back to the garage and get greasy, then come home to strip down a enjoy the little bit of being Bobbi.
I used to want more but am happy the way things have turned out all by themselves.
Bobbi
Like Julie said Keep writing...Please.
In some ways your journey has paralleled my own, but I haven't gotten to the 'I'm a woman and I want that man' yet.
I have times when I watch a romantic movie and picture myself in the role of the woman, but then a reality sets in.. I dont know how to move like a woman, think like a woman, nor do I know what to do once the clothes are off and the the truth be known. I dont have the important woman parts.
One of my many downfalls is watching Dancing with the stars.
The dancers have everything I want to be. Beautiful, graceful and sexy! And oh how I'd love to be able to fit in there just once.
But alas I go back to the garage and get greasy, then come home to strip down a enjoy the little bit of being Bobbi.
I used to want more but am happy the way things have turned out all by themselves.
Bobbi
Wish I could express myself the way you have. Felt the same desires just can not express them. Thanks for writing your thoughts.
Oh wow .. I wish i could put at least half of what crosses my mind on any given day, down into a meaningfull post.
Your right on the dressing up, I know thats how I got started. The excitement of getting dressed, then the disappointment and disgust of looking at my self in the mirror.
Starting NBE, to grow breasts I should have been born with.
Although I felt trapped in the wrong body from 4 years of age, i never thought I was transgender until dressing and going out felt normal. More normal than my male self.
As I read more stories from other people following the same path, it is amazing on how similar all our stories seem to be.
Your right on the dressing up, I know thats how I got started. The excitement of getting dressed, then the disappointment and disgust of looking at my self in the mirror.
Starting NBE, to grow breasts I should have been born with.
Although I felt trapped in the wrong body from 4 years of age, i never thought I was transgender until dressing and going out felt normal. More normal than my male self.
As I read more stories from other people following the same path, it is amazing on how similar all our stories seem to be.
Well, thank you for all those kind words, ladies.
Can't guarantee I'll keep up with this much regular posting, but we'll see. I do have a tendency to be a bit verbose on occasions, so apologies if posts or replies are lengthy.
And whilst I'm in the mood for posting, a bit of a story, from today - for those of you that have transitioned, or are fully out, this is probably gonna seem like nothing - been there, done that. But to me, who's neither, it was a kind of... well... I don't know what, a milestone, maybe?.. but whatever it was, I thought I'd post it, just for shits 'n giggles.
So, it's Australia Day here, public holiday, yay, no work today... my partners at work (in a hospital), the kids are away for the weekend, so I'm left to my own devices. I was out on the veranda, in my dressing gown, on my second cup of coffee of the morning, reading your replies, and... bugger, ran out of smokes (yes, I know, a nasty habit, but someone's got to contribute to the tax coffers !!).
I don't know why, the urge just came over me, I'm going to go to my local gas station for ciggies, but dressed - a little voice inside me said "WTF?? It's broad daylight, and you're doing what? Well, you've only got yourself to blame if it all turns pear-shaped".
Ignoring the voice, I slapped on some foundation, a little bit of eye-liner, mascara and a smidge of eye shadow and some lippy - nothing too dramatic, I was aiming for just a regular kind of day-time look; try to puff up my hair a bit (I'm growing it longer, so I'm able to tease it into a little more of a fem shape); then pop some mid-size hoop earrings in my "firsts", some pearl studs in my "seconds", and slip in my nose stud; hmm, not too bad, the lippy's got too much gloss, and the double earrings, especially the pearls, scream "female", but there's definitely something happening, even if the face looks as wrinkled as a well worn leather chair.
Now, what to wear... it's 8:30 in the morning, so casual - a pair of very tight, stretchy, female jeans, like pedal pushers, where the legs finish mid-calf - I tuck the junk, and there's the "camel-toe"; and finish it of with a V-necked tight T-shirt where you can definitely see that there's a bit of tit and pierced nips, on my chest. Perfect. Fem, but to the casual glance still male-ish.
So off I go, and walk very nervously to the car out on the driveway, at which point the paranoia kicks in - the neighbors know what's going on, I can see them peaking out from behind their curtains; I drive off - all the morning joggers are staring at me; the dog, that that guy's walking, stops in mid-pee and stares knowingly at me; the couple out for a stroll with their new-born, turn and gaze in shock... oh this is turning out to be a nightmare, I should never have done this !!!!
The gas station's 2-3 mins away, but it seems to take hours - what's that a strange noise, I've not heard that before, is the car going to break down, oh f*ck, what if I get stopped by the cops... I finally get there, and the forecourts empty. I park in a bay close to the door and go in. It's my local, so there was always a chance that I'd run into someone I know, but not today, the place was empty. I'd not seen the guy working there before, so that was another bonus. Looking up from reading a magazine, "What can I do for you, sir?", he asks, then I see him do a bit of a double-take, as his eyes and mind try to reconcile what he's seeing...
I order my smokes, and wait patiently, trying not to look too nervous, while he tries to find some in the cupboard, glancing at me every now and then, then announces he's got to get some from the store room, so he wanders off. At which point, the doors open and in walk about 5-6 cyclists, in their tight lycra outfits and clicky-clacky shoe things - oh this is going to get embarrassing. Without looking, I can see a couple of them stare curiously in my direction - I ignore them, but my brain is screaming "GET THE F*CK OUT OF HERE... NOW!!". Eventually the guy returns, I pay, and walk out, consciously adding a little swing to my hips as I go.
Then the scariest part happens... I walk to the car, and just as I pull away, a neighbor's daughter drives in - oh god, this is it, this is where it all turns bas... but
fortunately she just waves and parks up. I fire the car up and drive home...
So I'm now sitting here, typing this, with a big grin on my face. I've just been shopping - OK, it may only have been for a packet of smokes, but, it was to a local store, in daylight, dressed, with makeup and got away with it. Small steps, but I'm as happy as a pig in shit!!
Can't guarantee I'll keep up with this much regular posting, but we'll see. I do have a tendency to be a bit verbose on occasions, so apologies if posts or replies are lengthy.
And whilst I'm in the mood for posting, a bit of a story, from today - for those of you that have transitioned, or are fully out, this is probably gonna seem like nothing - been there, done that. But to me, who's neither, it was a kind of... well... I don't know what, a milestone, maybe?.. but whatever it was, I thought I'd post it, just for shits 'n giggles.
So, it's Australia Day here, public holiday, yay, no work today... my partners at work (in a hospital), the kids are away for the weekend, so I'm left to my own devices. I was out on the veranda, in my dressing gown, on my second cup of coffee of the morning, reading your replies, and... bugger, ran out of smokes (yes, I know, a nasty habit, but someone's got to contribute to the tax coffers !!).
I don't know why, the urge just came over me, I'm going to go to my local gas station for ciggies, but dressed - a little voice inside me said "WTF?? It's broad daylight, and you're doing what? Well, you've only got yourself to blame if it all turns pear-shaped".
Ignoring the voice, I slapped on some foundation, a little bit of eye-liner, mascara and a smidge of eye shadow and some lippy - nothing too dramatic, I was aiming for just a regular kind of day-time look; try to puff up my hair a bit (I'm growing it longer, so I'm able to tease it into a little more of a fem shape); then pop some mid-size hoop earrings in my "firsts", some pearl studs in my "seconds", and slip in my nose stud; hmm, not too bad, the lippy's got too much gloss, and the double earrings, especially the pearls, scream "female", but there's definitely something happening, even if the face looks as wrinkled as a well worn leather chair.
Now, what to wear... it's 8:30 in the morning, so casual - a pair of very tight, stretchy, female jeans, like pedal pushers, where the legs finish mid-calf - I tuck the junk, and there's the "camel-toe"; and finish it of with a V-necked tight T-shirt where you can definitely see that there's a bit of tit and pierced nips, on my chest. Perfect. Fem, but to the casual glance still male-ish.
So off I go, and walk very nervously to the car out on the driveway, at which point the paranoia kicks in - the neighbors know what's going on, I can see them peaking out from behind their curtains; I drive off - all the morning joggers are staring at me; the dog, that that guy's walking, stops in mid-pee and stares knowingly at me; the couple out for a stroll with their new-born, turn and gaze in shock... oh this is turning out to be a nightmare, I should never have done this !!!!
The gas station's 2-3 mins away, but it seems to take hours - what's that a strange noise, I've not heard that before, is the car going to break down, oh f*ck, what if I get stopped by the cops... I finally get there, and the forecourts empty. I park in a bay close to the door and go in. It's my local, so there was always a chance that I'd run into someone I know, but not today, the place was empty. I'd not seen the guy working there before, so that was another bonus. Looking up from reading a magazine, "What can I do for you, sir?", he asks, then I see him do a bit of a double-take, as his eyes and mind try to reconcile what he's seeing...
I order my smokes, and wait patiently, trying not to look too nervous, while he tries to find some in the cupboard, glancing at me every now and then, then announces he's got to get some from the store room, so he wanders off. At which point, the doors open and in walk about 5-6 cyclists, in their tight lycra outfits and clicky-clacky shoe things - oh this is going to get embarrassing. Without looking, I can see a couple of them stare curiously in my direction - I ignore them, but my brain is screaming "GET THE F*CK OUT OF HERE... NOW!!". Eventually the guy returns, I pay, and walk out, consciously adding a little swing to my hips as I go.
Then the scariest part happens... I walk to the car, and just as I pull away, a neighbor's daughter drives in - oh god, this is it, this is where it all turns bas... but
fortunately she just waves and parks up. I fire the car up and drive home...
So I'm now sitting here, typing this, with a big grin on my face. I've just been shopping - OK, it may only have been for a packet of smokes, but, it was to a local store, in daylight, dressed, with makeup and got away with it. Small steps, but I'm as happy as a pig in shit!!
I'm so proud of you, I could never do that.
I get you Kimi... I am still sort of in that nervous mode. But I have been to my Doctors 2 or 3 times, and my therapist at least 4x femmed up. I still worry about being recognized by someone. But, I'm at the point now to where I get more Ma'am's than sirs. It's just not all the time enfemme, but hoping as I get more comfortable, which I think is more than 50% of the battle, and the right combo of makeup and accessories it should be o.k..
If that is what you want/need, you'll get there, I'm sure of it.
If that is what you want/need, you'll get there, I'm sure of it.
(28-01-2019, 07:54 AM)kimi9r Wrote: I’m actually not that sure what possessed me to do that, must’ve had some kind of brain fart, but it was actually fun. Not sure I’ll be doing it again anytime soon, but at least l did something worthwhile this weekend.
Just hang in there.... Like I said, you'll know when it feels right!
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