[Heaven's Night]

I had plans to wait for a nice day when I'm feeling I'm riding a high wave and write something here. A lot has happened since I last time posted anything here... I don't even know where to start. Its not even the best of days, I had quite severe dysphoric breakdown earlier. All the same old stuff keeps on hurting me.

At the same time where the dysphoria about my body has started to feel less, its getting stronger on social side. Some things I felt I didn't need have become a must. I guess this is the natural course of things as I've started to pass in public quite well, short interaction with people already works out, but they read me like an open book if I sit down and chat for a while longer. Which is heart breaking because there's no way to be openly trans and get treated like a normal person, it just doesn't work. 

I'm yet to face any direct trans phobia which is nice, but the worst is not the assholes as they're easy to shrug off for being just that, the worst are those who are accepting on the surface but let their true thinking slip up by making a difference, making it so that a trans woman is not a real woman for them, making us lesser being. Surface level accepting cis "ally" is the most annoying thing ever. They truly piss me off.

Thinking of goals, what should I aim for? Absolute never failing stealth passing is most likely out of the question, I can't even dream of getting a lot of stuff that no hormones can ever fix. But to be seen, heard and experienced as just a woman most of the time? Is that too much to ask? Only time will tell I guess, so far I'm becoming carefully optimistic about it, lot of positive experience seems to point to that. Goals on body changes, I don't think I have neen unrealistic about is as HRT has been treating me so much better than I ever dreamed of. Its been amazing change in less than ten months. My only saving grace as I can't ever pay my way to happiness anyway, but if genetics and HRT do so much, I might not ever need much surgical intervention with much else than down there.

Still a road worth walking. Even on a day when I cry my eyes out for being like this... <3

[Jamie-May]

A quick apology for the lengthy post!

I may not be out publicly, wearing female clothes and makeup, having to constantly be aware of my mannerisms and voice, but I do know how all those worries feel. How dysphoria feels... I'm stuck having to present as a male around friends and family and I always feel like I'm constantly a prisoner because of all the limitations that places on me, tolling me mentally so very much. It's a weight keeping me down in my otherwise much better world.

You're very strong in being able to live the life you want openly. As you said though it really doesn't work being openly trans. People don't accept that so easily. So all of us who are must try to be as perfect and passable at all times for fear of being outed. People are generally very judgmental and mean-hearted about a great many things. It's always been my biggest fear to not look girl enough and to not be, act, or sound girl enough.

We don't have the luxury to be a tomboy or have any kind of weak feminine attempts. We have to put so much effort and lean very heavily into the girly side of things. I personally enjoy these trials. The prospects of having to be and look and act as girly as I can is nice because that's what I see for myself. I see a positive, empathetic, fun loving, kind-hearted girly girl that happens to also be a bit of an anime, book, and gamer nerd~

I will even say that it's been so much easier embracing the female side of me over the last year and that's been wonderful. It's getting to where it comes so naturally that I almost make a female slip up in front of people that know me as male. Even the 'voice' inside my head, the voice I think with, has sometimes become my female voice that I've been talking in more and more lately.

Regardless all that, even though I do often like that I'll have to be more girly than the average girl and put more effort and research into things, it doesn't make the idea of doing it all the time less stressful. It's a lot to think about and I can only assume for people like you who present female every day it must be exhausting at times. >.<

I don't know if you should care as much about what people think below the surface, however. Everyone will have unpleasant thoughts at times. It's just--unfortunately--how things are. No one will ever be some perfect pinnacle of acceptance. I believe as a writer I'm able to get into other mindsets and perspectives easier than likely most people, but even I struggle to get rid of nasty dispositions that have haunted me from my upbringing. Not unless I fully focus on combating it. And even then I question if I still don't have some sort of bias still eluding me. You see I want to be as nice, kind, and earnest as possible. I want to be my best self. But to be perfect is just not something a human can be.

So what I think is, instead of caring what people believe in their head or say in private, it is best to try to accept that and deal instead with how they treat you in person. Yes it's awful people will gossip or think about hurtful things. But even if someone were completely passable, even if someone transfem like us was born female, there would still always be some kind of negative thoughts or gossip or injustice we'd face. They would just instead be about different things. Would they hurt more or less? Be more or less scary or dangerous? I can't say. But biases, prejudices, and all their ilk would still be there in some fashion.

I'm sorry you don't think you'll be able to always succeed at passing. That you probably worry about if you need certain things done or surgeries made. It stings. It rocks me to my core and makes me want to cry at times when I think I won't be seen the way I want as well. It makes me doubt my successes. But you've made lots of progress and success. I know I have too. If you think on it, think on all you've done so far, you won't ever be able to doubt the progress you've made. The hard part is thinking on it logically and pulling back the cloud of emotions in the moment.

In the end we need to fight those awful thoughts back or we'll never get what we want out of life. Negativity is the enemy of progress and self-improvement, and coming to a standstill or regressing for me is out of the question. I will keep moving forward through these roadblocks, and I hope you can strive and fight and move forward too.

Anyway, you've done amazing work on yourself. Many on this forum have. It is my greatest desire to share my own experiences and progress to help others in similar situations. It's why I also am trying to start a voice feminization group to let us thrive, because as I said, I believe voice to be one of the most important aspects of passing. It is in fact the most important aspect in the online realm or when speaking on the phone.

If you know and believe you have a good female voice, it will change you. Make you so positive. You may even want to break out in tears of joy the first time you hear a girl voice, your real voice, come out from your lips. And your everyday life and socialization will become so much better for it. This isn't to say you don't already have a wonderful voice. I have no idea how your voice is or how far it has come or what you've even done with it.

If however you think voice may be a problem for some of your inability to pass in interactions then I'd love to have you in Discord when I get it running. If that isn't what you believe to be the reason you feel you fail in interactions, perhaps you can explain more on what you think is? At the very least think on it deeply so that you can have goals to consider and work towards. No matter what though, keep moving on~ You yourself have been an inspiration for many here. Show everyone how great you are and make those nay-sayers eat their negative thoughts!

[Heaven's Night]

Hi Jamie, good morning. <3 Wow, that's probably the longest post anyone has ever left on my thread.

Your situation sounds a lot like where I was a year ago. At my previous job I was still in dude mode, I just couldn't come out there, it would have been a total suicide knowing the atmosphere of the place. The misogyny was strong with them and I bet they would have bullied me like there's no tomorrow had I come out there. It felt like torture, at home being me and when heading out, putting on this role playing character.

I just had to get rid of it, and I did so completely in May last year the day my job contract ended, on that same week, I went to pick up my trans clinic referral. Very symbolically, as I walked away from the hospital afterwards, I walked by an ex colleague of mine and he did not recognize me. He walked maybe three feet away and didn't know who I was. I said nothing, just smiled and walked by. That was one of the first times I obviously passed with my looks... No one paid any attention. That one's really great btw, when you go out as yourself and almost like  overnight, people suddenly stop staring and paying attention. To me it was very sudden change and I wonder if it was about my mentality and mood, body language, more than my looks because people's reactions changed very suddenly.

Yea, so it seems, to be accepted and treated well unfortunately seems that its cis passing and that's it. The world isn't quite ready yet. Those who are openly trans on purpose and stay that way, they're the brave ones. I think its really cool that some are able of doing that. I want to get treated normally, be in peace, I want things to be normal and not difficult as heck all the time so I'm pushing it with my presentation. I want them to see, hear and sense a woman and nothing else. And it feels like I have to overcompensate, it sucks, I don't have the means to do much anything, just take my meds and wish for a miracle.

I'm not sure what the hell is it that people read about me, I have no experience on longer interaction with strangers, only few times and that's it... Covid came and totally isolated me and stopped my social life completely, the thing is that I do not even know how well I pass and do they all read me like an open book or not. Last time I was in a bar they did and it deeply hurt me because I believed I was doing quite good job on this. I got disillusioned, now I presume they all clock me until the experience shows otherwise. My voice, people say its pretty good, I'm on female range over 90% of the time, but something about it is still off.... The heck I know, one thing's for sure, I do not want to sound like some Mickey Mouse goes hentai, the kinda voice I hear many trans women have, they sound like little girls... I'm not a teenage girl, in my mind yea for sure, but my body isn't that. So yea, darker voice than that is the way to go. I think its ok, but not perfect, the hell I know. I've been told many times my voice doesn't pass because I lack consistency.

About passing for a cis woman, I think I will get there, but its gonna take a lot of work. My face I think its quite nice and doesn't need fixing. I couldn't ever afford it anyway. What made me feel much better about my face is noticing how I have all the same characteristics as women in my family. Lot of similarities with both sides, in particular cousins from my mothers side. My face is just bit wider than theirs but shape of my nose, jawline, cheeks, eyebrows, every my eyes and hairline are a match with my my family ladies. Its becoming more apparent each day as HRT is making my facial features softer. If my grandma, mother, cousins and aunts are fine with these same features, then I'm gonna rock it and become happy with it. No one ever questions their gender and their validity so I'm convinced my face is not a problem. If I had permission, I could post pics of few of my cousins to show this. I resemble two of them so much that people ask if that's my sister.


You can add me on Discord any time. You'll find me there with HelloTitty#9727

[Heaven's Night]

So a lot has happened in quite a short while... Bunch of which I've talked about in my HRT thread n the side. And then there's whole lot which I haven't. Most of my life I keep out of this forum as I mainly want to keep it about breast growth and other body changes and so on.

Dating. Yes, I'm forming kinda love hate relationship with it. Me and gf have been together for two and half years, we're mostly happy together and she's super cool about my transition and everything. The biggest issue is lack of sex. PArt is about me not having yet figured out myself, another is that I do not want to be pushed into the guy role again, about anything. So we got the classic two bottoms issue. Some time ago we decided we have to figure this stuff out somehow and neither want to leave, neither are asexual although we can go without got quite a while without much trouble, problems start in the long run as its not really good for mental health. And then there's my longing to live the dreams I haven't been able to deal with before...

I'm poly amorous, I'm pan sexual and very much open minded so for me a lot of stuff goes which for many is a total no-go zone. Anyway, after a lot of talks we ended up deciding about an open relationship with certain conditions. Which is probably the best idea on how to deal with the situation. But cis het men keep on disappointing both of us. To my gf its nothing new, I guess I take it far more personally... Ghosting, rejection, liars, players, chasers. From whom about 1% end up showing up for a date. And they're pretty much all the same anyway. It seems like my trans status is a huge hit on these idiots, I'm open about it because I want to avoid worse situations than just being rejected. But its kinda interesting how well my transition is working out. Apparently I cis pass with near perfection in pictures, video and voice messages. Many men have been very surprised once I told them. Today one guy after month of silence came to talk with me again and he seems cool, I like him and he has a nice soothing voice. He too said that he was kinda surprised and felt confused when I told him I'm trans, but he seems to be open minded enough to keep on talking which is great. If nothing more, I might end up being a life lesson and he will have far easier time in the future when ever he befriends a trans woman. He has even invited me to go visit him some time which I might consider doing. But mostly, its been one (expectedly) big disappointment. I dunno if I should keep going on and not give a shit that I'm digging into a garbage heap in look for a gem or just give up on cis men and look into LGBT scene exclusively.

What is truly positive is that these men at least as long as I'm not out to them, find me attractive and interesting enough to come talk with me. Whole bunch of them want to have sex with me at least. They treat me just as bad as they treat any other woman. That's kinda twisted validation I guess...

And a while back I found out something I didn't know before. Apparently my pelvic muscles are far better developed than I thought. This is going to be a shameless brag. I've been into anal play since my teens and I know I have decent muscles down there, but that I have the power to make a guy orgasm within seconds and crush a penis so hard its sore day afterwards came as a surprise. Makes me wonder if this muscle control will be there once I get my kitty done. I certainly hope so, once I have my pussy, I'll put a lot of effort to dilation and practicing muscle control for sure. They're not called love muscles for nothing.

So yea, those guys who reject me, they don't understand what they miss. I know only one cis woman who can do this kinda stuff so its kinda rare skill, I was on the wild side when I was younger so I got quite a lot of experience. Poor men, would they know I can peal some bananas, they would likely date me with much more enthusiasm.