PM, HRT and cortisol - (There's a pink mist in the horizon...)

IMGz · (This post was last modified: 09-04-2022, 10:58 AM by IMGz.)

Hey!

I'll do a “short” “presentation” of myself so you at
least can get some slight gripe of what and why I write what I now write.
Spoiler alert, I can be quite blunt (and wander off...). Jump to the
bottom if it's too much/boring to read.

In my close to mid 40's I've again started seeing a sexologist.
With about 10,5 years more or less constantly on PM, some indications
in my subconsciousness (triggered by a dream) this year told me to
investigate my soul again. I did see a sexologist for about six years
ending roughly 15 years ago. That time (as I guess many lurking here
also wonder/think about themselves) we kinda concluded I was a
transvestite (because of the arousal aspect). That all this was just
because of intimacy issues and that dressing up was a way to cope
with this. I did however go through with several facial laser
sessions, but didn't fully finish. Seeking an androgynous look...

And here we are again. Continuing facial laser. And lower body
hair laser removal is started too. Fantastic feeling!

PM was a godsend thing for me, as I finally was able to think
without the brain-fog arousal creates. Incredible annoying, and it
blurs your true vision about yourself. Things looks prettier than
they are in the mirror, and wrong get-ups (often with a tad bit of
feminine overkill) are hence selected. Liking clothes is not the same
as they are suitable for your body type (no difference for biological
women there). And less is more. PM has been both good for my physique
and mind. Never thought I'd start seeing a sexologist again, but I
just had to. How did I feel after my first session this time around?
It was the weirdest experience ever.

Where did my anger/irritation against stupid fellow motorists in
traffic go? I had a calm that was mind puzzling to me. Did I close
the lid on the transgender jar before I actually figured what was in
there, last time around (15 years ago..)? How deep are things hidden?
I want to see what is really there.

I'm married (15years, no kids) and told my wife prior to marriage
about my cravings for dressing up as the opposite sex. She didn't
fully understand though. That we know now. And it will be difficult
for her to stay married to me if I go all the way. It's sad, but we
are both (at least on the outside) quite calm about it. Nothing is
written in stone yet.

The situation makes it however difficult for me to fully embrace
whatever is inside me. I become a bit hesitant in order to respect my
wife's feelings. I do think this makes me a bit edgy and irritated.

My regular doctor is informed about the situation and I've had
blood work done lately. Which is pretty much all good. Except for my
cortisol level, which is just outside the lower reference (199). An
incredible strange result as I ran out of PM about a month ago or so.
And I'm again experiencing physical and mental stress in which I do
remember from before PM and my younger days. It's been with me since
some time in my childhood. As my first dysphoria has. Which started
before I even knew it was a dysphoria (something I've just realised
this year....).

The most current (off PM) clear symptoms are muscle pain in the heart,
flatulence, joint pains in parts of my body that has experienced some
rough episodes in the past, and a constant uneasiness in my
soul/mind. Oily skin (zits luriking?) and a feeling like my puberty
is back is no happy feeling either. I'm pragmatic, so I see the
biological aspect of it all when it comes to transitioning
physically, and that this is difficult to get ones head wrapped
around. I'm not sure what to think about it myself, even.

Sessions with my new sexologist is absolutely wonderful as I can
be fully open with everything. A space to talk and feel, whatever
might be inside me. Nothing locked down as permanent truths. With
inputs and well placed critique and suggestions. I've changed quite a
bit since last time around with a sexologist and are more grounded,
confident and more careless about what other people think. That of
course makes things a bit easier. I've spent so much of my life
trying to fit into what I think is the “correct” image of others
about myself. No need for them to say anything even... I've felt it.
The generic man/woman image attitude (fit into it or suffer...).
Which of course is no good approach. All it does is erase yourself.

So I now dare to be open and face whatever this is. (Scary as
.....) With the previous sexologist I always had some hesitation and
a tad bit of shame on some subjects.

Now, all that “aside”. I've also had an urologist check my
testicles as I've experienced some more or less constant sharp/dull
pain in the “bells” (of no good sound). (No, not blue-balls, I'm
well aware how that feels like.) I did also lately have a subjective
realisation that they might have shrinked. Balls are (thankfully, but
not so thankfully) all ok. No signs of shrinkage, and as healthy as
they can be?

I was kinda wishing they were not ok as you can't get healthy
testicles removed in my country.

O-boy (or girl?), I see this is getting longer than I intended.

My commitment to HRT is full (backed by my sexologist), but my PD
(personal doctor) is hesitant and scared. As he has no knowledge
about this. Never done it before. The urologist neither had the
knowledge to help in this matter. So he decided to write in the
report that this was something for a specialist. In which of course
is “super helpful” in getting my PD on board with this...

We do have a govern system for transitioning, but they seemingly
think woman=Barbie. And that 2 years is a good time to wait for HRT
(one year living as a woman (nothing in between possible?!), another
year waiting for them to dig into / poke your soul). That is
completely of no interest to me. I'm interested in being myself. If
I'm going to know for sure, I have to start HRT to sort this now.
Things are buried too deep inside me to uncover what I am without it.
Does this make sense to anyone? And I'm already quite settled for SRS
PPV if the route ends up with a full sex change. (Yes, I do research
even nothing is far from settled. Name-choosing too.... Big Grin )

I got some Chaga and Reishi yesterday, and are going to see if it
can do something about my joint problems at least. There's no way for
me to know if it was the miroestrol or something else in PM that
healed my body and soul, other than experimenting. And/or a good dash
of placebo in the mix?

My PD is on the case, but I have low
hopes and are already looking for a new PD. The sexologist I found is
in a educated Center in these matters that can help guide my PD,
but... well, we'll see. The thought has crossed my mind to get HRT
supplements illegally... that does not seem like a good option if I
can get this through the proper channels with regular blood work
done. The thing is that my old injuries are more problematic now.
Some days so bad I'm wondering if it's possible for me to do work the
next day. Hence my rush. Yes, I do know I'm a bit on the heavy side.
Working on it. I'm well aware that loosing weight is something that
is excellent for joints that are not as healthy as they used to be.

I probably should loose another 15-20kg
(already down 2-3kg the last 2-3 weeks).

Why don't you just order some more PM?
You might ask... well, I've been having a look at it several times lately, but
was too late for the one seller I wanted to buy from. Incredible
sceptical whom I buy from. Not keen on getting some fake, or with
fillers. (I buy powder. Went down from 1gram to roughly 0,5gram pr
day this year. Skipping some days if that also made me nauseous or
made me pee often. That was enough for me. From listening to my body,
that is...)

And if I'm to go all the way, I might
just as well go for HRT anyway.

------------------------------

I do have some concerns about Androcur
though (which is what I'd like to try). But is there any herb as
strong as pharmacy stuff when it comes to anti androgens / DHT
blocking? (No oral or injection of estrogen over here for people like
me past the 40's. Only patches...)

Is there an alternative to HRT in the
herb world in the form of PM combined with (what)?

-------------------------------

Dealing with misc kind of doctors that
finds all this quite mind boggling really makes me get close to how
vulnerable we are as trans. And it has given me a new realisation how
little respect the society in general have for women.... it doesn't
help my PD gets the things wrong either. Blood work paper from
Urologist had written in the “heading” “Due to extreme intakes
of phytoestrogens”. Where did that come from? I said long term use.
I never said I'd abused it. I've been quite moderate. Even though I
have tried to push the limits a very few times.

I'm not a curiosity. 2 times in about
21 years I've felt “molested” mentally by physical examination.
Even 1 time is too much. Healthcare people should be clear about why they
do what they do before they do. So to all of you going through
something similar. Please ask the person examining before they do,
why they do it. It might hit your soul/mind afterwards if you
don't......

/IMGz

(A bit tired of the “all consuming”
gender dyphoria aspects. Can I live my life now? It's been an
obstacle for me to make true friends over the years. And it (the
dysphoria) shouldn't be in the way of you living your life and making
good friends. I know that if life was easy it wouldn't be worth
living. Yet still, left hanging is not cool either. Showing your bare
soul to strangers in the seek for HRT is no fun. :/ (My sexologist is
of course the exception, been thankfully lucky with her.))

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