[Jts13892]

So for those of you that have been following me I know this is going to sound insane due to my last few posts but I started BO again tonight. I know I just posted a 14 day update of being off of BO just yesterday, but I can’t help it. Yes initially I felt regret when the changes started coming on so strong, but honestly after 2 or 3 days off of BO I wanted to get back on it and that want has grow stronger and stronger. I had a longing to feel my breast actively growing. I had a longing to feel the soreness in my hips, pelvis, and muscles all over my body because I know I’m feminizing. Heck I’ve even been missing the smaller penis and testicles. I’ve gone off BO before and every time I come back I stay on it longer and longer. I think the changes coming on so quickly overwhelmed me and I’m not ready to come out to anyone personally yet and I started getting bombarded with anxiety thoughts of having to come out to my family, friends, and work and that just all got to me and made my gender dysphoria vanish for a few days. That being said the days leading up to me quitting I was experiencing extreme euphoria from all the changes. 

I believe at this point I can admit at least to some degree I am without a doubt trans. As I stated in one of my last posts way before I was exposed to porn or anything sexual at the age of 5 I was sneaking into my mom’s closet and cross dressing in her dresses and heels and thinking I want to be a pretty girl until she caught me. I stopped for years until I was 13 or 14 and my parents started leaving me home alone and I picked it back up. For years I tried to act like I didn’t remember doing that. Just like recently I’ve been lying to myself that my porn use has been making me feel this way even though when I first started using porn I immediately went to feminization porn because I always had that predisposition for feminization. Now I can admit that the use of porn is probably making my gender dysphoria worse and maybe it would be more manageable if I quit, but even before porn I’ve always thought I’d be happier as a girl from a very young age. Now I realized I’ve been lying to myself again. I’ve been trying to convince myself the last 2 weeks that I didn’t like what BO was doing to me even though while on it I had euphoria for the most part, and I’ve had a longing to feel those changes happening to my body again.

So I’m going back on it, who knows how long I’ll be on it until I have another meltdown again. But I stay on it longer and longer every time I think because I know more what to expect each time. I’m also telling myself for those days that my gender dysphoria disappears it’s okay to stop taking BO and get back on it if I feel I need to again. I can take things slow and it’s okay. I did recently find out I’m going to have to move in with my dad again for a few months and I remember thinking I cannot be doing this while living with him because the change’s started coming on so quick. I think that anxiety added to my freak out too. But whatever I’m going to continue to take BO while living with him but stay in full boy mode even let my facial hair grow out and everything and hopefully he won’t notice any of the changes coming on and if he does and asks maybe that talk needs to happen even if I feel like I’m not ready for it. Anyways it’s always good to talk with all of you and as always I’ll be posting any updates as I go.

[Kay Lady]

Hi JTS13892,

It really sounds like you are soul searching and trying to find your true self. I have been on this path for a while. It can be hard, heart breaking yet meaningful and euphoric. If you ever want to chat, you can send me a PM.

~Kay

[Cunningluvr]

Baby, I wish I could sit next to you and give you a big hug. I know this dilemma all too well. I look forward to taking my first dose of BO in the morning, but at some point during the day negative thoughts might creep in, like what happens if I have to take my shirt off in front of people?

I’ve accepted that I’m trans and will eventually go on HRT, but in addition to feminizing my body, BO seems to feminize my mind and makes me more content until I can go full-time girl. I don’t know if it shifts your thinking to a feminine perspective or it’s purely mental, but taking BO gives me an addictive female clarity and makes me want to feminize more.

I switched from PM to BO a couple of months ago, and BO gives me a girly mindset that I didn’t get from PM. If BO gives me better results than PM, I know I’ll happily go past whatever point of no return there may be.

The ups and downs are normal, they strengthen us and help us find our way.

[Jts13892]

Thank you both for the sweet replies! Yes this is a roller coaster and can be exhausting! All I can do is chill out and go along for the ride.

[Epeters7507]

Thank you both for the sweet replies! Yes this is a roller coaster and can be exhausting! All I can do is chill out and go along for the ride.

Allow me to shed a bit of experience and opinion. First, you are 100% correct in your warning. This is NOT NBE. BO is very strong and if you’re one who has done their research and has followed prescribed guidelines and it works for you, it has the potential to take over and change your whole being. 

Maybe one is on a small dose, like one a day, or a full dose of 8/day. If your body temp is in the sweet spot and you’re supplementing it with things like WP or hops, red clover, you’ll find that the changes come on fast and furious…and it’s not just the breast growth. It’s a total feminization. 

Now, the mind is a funny thing, we’re on this stuff and we’re changing, but I believe our brains are changing as well. One cannot load up on cross hormones and think that they’ll retain a male mind. I think that physical changes that drive emotional changes occur as well. 

All this leads to what I assume is addiction. I mean this in so far as the nice you’ve gone a certain point your body needs hormones to function and you’ve just put a cocktail of chemicals in your blood stream to force your body into the opposite sex. 

Yeah, it’s a permanent change, there’s no going back. Once you have breast tissue developing, it’s there forever. And once your body has begun aromatizing T into E, and you’ve activated enough to fool your endocrine system, you can stop taking the pills, but going back to being male, isn’t going to happen. 

Sure there are AIs that one can take to stop or slow the process, but is that forever? Do you wanna take that chance?

Everyone on this site needs to ask themselves if this is right for them. Can they live with it forever? If one stops halfway, what’s the future look like? I’m working to wean myself off these pills. I’ve tried to stop many times and have failed. I’m a 38B and I know, given the women in my family, that’s only the beginning, they’ll get larger…a C or D cup I believe is likely.

I look into the mirror, and even in male mode, I look like my mother and sister. I’ve been in the stuff for about a year, combined, but with the breaks, about two years.

[Jts13892]

Thank you, I like hearing from you and your perspectives on BO. Like I said in my last post I was on it a month and the changes seemed to halt and my body started reverting back after a couple of weeks, but I have no doubt that the aromatase stays permanent after a certain amount of time, but every time I take it I seem to revert and changes completely stop. I’ve still never gotten to the point of feeling different emotionally or mentally but the physical changes are so strong I have no doubt that they would eventually come on. But like I said my strong erections have returned and my ejaculate is thick so my body is obviously back to absorbing testosterone the way it should be. I’m also unquestionably male when you look at me. BO hasn’t changed my appearance at least above the waist much. Now maybe some small amount of aromatase keeps happening and never stops even on being on BO for a small amount of time but it’s extremely unnoticeable in my case anyways.

Since making this post I haven’t actually started BO back like I said. My bottles have arrived. I ended throwing my last bottles out when I had my meltdown. But I’m afraid to take them because I feel like I’m acting like a drug addict. So it’s funny you bring up addiction because that’s what I feel like is going on. I take BO feel euphoric for awhile then feel miserable and stop taking it and almost feel a craving for it again, rinse repeat. I’m also going less and less time between cravings.  The question I’m trying to ask myself before I start again is it addicting for me because I’m supposed to be female in some cellular level that’s why my body responds so well to it. Or is BO truly chemically addicting, and that scares me!

[Jts13892]

Also Epeters if you don’t mind me asking why are you trying to wean yourself off? Last we spoke you seemed dedicated to taking BO as much as I was.

[Epeters7507]

Also Epeters if you don’t mind me asking why are you trying to wean yourself off? Last we spoke you seemed dedicated to taking BO as much as I was.

I was really dedicated, but society and tolerance has changed. Wack-jobs on fringe gave hijacked the idea of gender transition by involving young children and forcing improper sexualization. 

Furthermore, I’m certain there are many, many good folks out there who cringe and disassociate with the fringe, but who gets the headlines?? Despite how I feel and who I am, the very idea of gender transition has been discredited, as there are more and more de-transitioners and states are passing restrictive laws.

It boils down to acceptance, and as stories become crazier and crazier, and schools move to indoctrinate innocent children, acceptance and tolerance is becoming less and less.

I guess I’m concerned about my future, my ability to live a peaceful life and find happiness.

[Jts13892]

I totally understand where you’re coming from, I’ve had those same thoughts. When I see videos online of the fringe trans people I legitimately cringe, and think to myself do I really want to be associated with these people? My dream is that I one day pass so well that I could live in stealth mode, and maybe that would’ve been possible had I started this in my early to mid 20’s but at age 30 I don’t know if that’s possible even with how well BO seems to effect me. Definitely more to ponder I suppose. I wish you the best on your journey!

[Zhuzhu]

I believe at this point I can admit at least to some degree I am without a doubt trans. As I stated in one of my last posts way before I was exposed to porn or anything sexual at the age of 5 I was sneaking into my mom’s closet and cross dressing in her dresses and heels and thinking I want to be a pretty girl until she caught me. I stopped for years until I was 13 or 14 and my parents started leaving me home alone and I picked it back up. For years I tried to act like I didn’t remember doing that. Just like recently I’ve been lying to myself that my porn use has been making me feel this way even though when I first started using porn I immediately went to feminization porn because I always had that predisposition for feminization. Now I can admit that the use of porn is probably making my gender dysphoria worse and maybe it would be more manageable if I quit, but even before porn I’ve always thought I’d be happier as a girl from a very young age. Now I realized I’ve been lying to myself again. I’ve been trying to convince myself the last 2 weeks that I didn’t like what BO was doing to me even though while on it I had euphoria for the most part, and I’ve had a longing to feel those changes happening to my body again.

I can totally relate I have felt trans since I was probably 5.  But it was a deep reckoning I had and from the beginning I did not understand but I always felt a need to not be with the boys and I always had fights with them because they saw me as weak.  But I survived