Hi CM
Sorry to hear about everything you are going through. I hope you find peace and stability soon.

Thank you shirazmn.

Seems like 2024 has been one hell of a ride for alot of people.

@HelloDidi

Thank you for being so understanding. I appreciate your and everyone's support. It means alot especially when there seems like there's is no place for you to go or to turn to. 

I agree things always seem to workout how they're supposed to, it's just the journey getting to where the universe wants you to be is not always the route we would have chosen to get there to say the least. 

I am sure I will be more active in the future especially once I figure out exactly who I am and what my goals are.

Thank you again everyone. And I can't apologize enough, about my actions. I am sorry.

@HelloDidi
Thank you again everyone. And I can't apologize enough, about my actions. I am sorry.

I’m glad you are here, you have such a unique life path and are quite masculine. Although this may not be much a compliment, considering all that you are going through now, the status of lean mass you have is very well developed! It showcases your mental state and drive.

It’s an honor to have someone like you here that is open to what you are feeling. I also had an issue with a loved one going though my possessions and finding out a deep rooted thought process that comes with gender ambiguity. Although the woman I was with knew I was transitioning in 2019 and had been only 2 months off of HRT when I met her, the shock that I was recommencing my feminization lead her down a rabbit hole she wasn’t prepared for. It really takes an open mind and good heart to explore your feelings and loved ones can feel betrayed over it. I really believe that the question they ask in their minds is “I can not be a lesbian?” or that they never really knew you; once the cat is out of the bag good luck.

Regardless, that woman is now my ex and I have been finding woman who are bi-curious who I have been really interacting with, and enjoying my en femme side. I feel we cause our own suffering by failing to acknowledge core aspects of our nature, leading to tumultuous tower moments as our true natures align to reality. Expect more of that until you are fully honest, although self doubt takes a heavy toll. I am speaking from experience, purged and felt shame 100’s of times because I was weak and felt insecure, to which I always ask - WHY!

I feel everything you have said. It all resonates with me. I know she is not at all bi or bi curious. But she feels betrayed, not enough, and that I have been lying to her all this time. Like she was not given the choice up front when our relationship began and now that we're married finding all this out, things may have been different, maybe we would have never dated or got married. That is a choice I did not let her have and I own that. It is on me for never sharing this side of myself with anyone. Probably why all my relationships have failed. 

I dont know why but I feel if I chose my wife and marriage then I'm walking away from this side of myself. I feel the only way I could ever go down this road is if I was single and had no interest in relationships. Keeping this part of myself a secret is how I got myself here. But I can't help feel that I can't move forward being open about it with how I know how she feels if I were to transition. Or even explore that side of myself more than I already have. 

Thank you for all the kind words. I have always been obsessed with fitness and making muscle. Changing my body physically by lifting weights and fitness. Now all I can think about is how I can change my body to become a woman, unfortunately for me once I get obsessed and have this vision or idea of myself in my head it says there till I see it through to as far as it can go. And I feel I have gone as far as I can with my male body. Falling short of all my bodybuilding dreams. Yea I'm in shape and have a good physique over the average guy in the gym, but that's all I will ever be, definitely not a pro in body building. That ship has sailed. 

I'm not sure why I cant be myself and open about all aspects of me with my wife. She has proven to be pretty remarkable and understanding with everything and all the time we've spent together. Ups and downs. I love her so much and I know where she stands. Even if she accepts it bc she loves me, it will eat her up inside. I can't do that to her. And I am not one to rock the boat and cause friction. Unfortunately I have always chosen to suffer in silence than to cause anyone else pain or hurt. Which is probably what I will end up doing with this as well. Just existing not living. My only hope is that from steroid use will cause an early death from a heart attack vs a suicide due to a life time of depression. And maybe in my next life I will be born the woman I am ment to be, in the body I'm ment to have. 

I am def over all these tower moments the universe keeps sending my way. Not sure how much more I or my wife can deal with right now.

This is alarming and I'm really worried about you. I don't know what your stack was but please remember that deep depression is often a side effect of cycling off. Added to your current emotional state, relationship fears, and long-term uncertainty about what's next, and right now you're incredibly vulnerable. 

Please don't make any hasty decisions in such a state, especially the one that is absolutely permanent and irreversible. And I'm not talking about NBE or HRT. What you're feeling is perfectly normal and natural considering what you're going through. 

I hate unsolicited advice but I'm going to give it anyway. Please forgive me. Take a metaphorical deep breath. Understand that you can only control what you can control, and that's basically how you respond to the stresses put upon you. Try and put everything away, just for a day or two. Stop thinking about it. It's so easy to become obsessive to the point of mania. Let it all simmer. 

I know, it's easy to say but less easy to do. Your mind needs to rest. Your body needs to rest. Your soul needs to rest. Give yourself a break and trust that your future will unfold as it's supposed to, and that may very well be in a way that you haven't even considered yet. 

Take a step back from the brink. Life is not a zero sum prospect. It's neither black nor white. Try and do something that you love, that allows you to free your mind from all your troubles. Find your inner calm and go try to have a little fun. Laughter is the best medicine? In many instances the answer is a resounding yes. Joy and peace are where we find them. Both are out there, waiting for you. 

Whatever awaits you in your future will wait. I just want you to be here to discover it.

We have never met and almost certainly never will, but I say this unabashedly and truthfully. I love you my friend. I pray you will find your path. I'm confident you will if you just give yourself a chance. Give yourself that chance.

Thanks. Everything you said is much appreciated and has not fallen on deaf ears. I am just a realist. Also for context I was in the USMC infantry for 10 years, that being said you end up changing into a darker version of yourself. So in the end we all have become some disturbing individuals after our time in the military. Most people don't understand us, typically only other people who have served can relate. We all have dark sense of humor and a morbid out look on life. We joke about it, but we all know sadly most of us will become another statistics of suicide. It just is what it is. So I am even more morbidly realistic about the most likely possible outcomes that's all. I honestly did not expect to live as long as I have (which I am 37, turn 38 at the end of this month). I was completely prepared to not survive my 1st or 2nd enlistments in the Marines. I have seen and experienced a lot. 

I guess what I am getting at is that there's more to me being realistic about how I will meet my end bc there is more than just living a life that I feel I am not completely myself. If that makes sense. 

Anyways. I do appreciate everything you've said. I don't typically make rash choices. I usually watch and wait till something forces me to react to it. Lol

Thanks for the reassurance CM. I probably overreacted but it's in my nature to worry. The suicide rate amongst veterans is frankly appalling and I REALLY do not want to lose another brother or sister.

Erica, I always joke that eventually I'll join those who have gone before me and become another statistic and member of the 22 a day.  Sadly we all know that when people joke it is not that far fetched from what they say.

Please dont say that , that's not a given. I understand that we all have to go eventually but that doesn't mean iylt has to end like that... maybe you're the one that gets thay happy ending. You never know