Posts: 103
Threads: 11
Joined: May 2013
Recently my wife and I had a rough patch, and it seems she is not as okay as I had previously thought she was with me being the way I am. She talked a good game for a while... but when the fight broke out, the truth came out too.
She is the woman, and she is very possessive of this role, apparently. I guess when what she thought was just a game didn't end, she reacted. Somebody has to be the man, I guess.
In frustration, I packed up all of my female effects and put them in the attic. I have been off all herbs for almost a week and have not shaved. I feel dirty. (not literally... I do shower. eew.)
I was going to throw it all away, but could not bring myself to bag up Emily and put her on the curb. (I am not sure that this is even possible.)
The bedroom literally looks like someone who used to live there moved out.
Posts: 1,191
Threads: 14
Joined: Dec 2011
So...someone who supposedly loves you would prefer you to "act" like a different, more manly person?
I'll be honest, I don't get how a relationship like that is going to work out. Sorry about the drama you're having though.
Posts: 2,409
Threads: 58
Joined: Oct 2013
That's too bad, Emily.
One of the things that a wife or partner has to come to know is that there is no ending the consequences of one's gender identity mismatch. There's no cure for this so called 'mental disorder'. It's not even considered as such any longer by psychiatric professionals (DSM-V).
I understand that you value your relationship and your family so much that you made the decision you did, but you're also wise to have not thrown out your Emily clothes and stuff. She will be back, either openly or in secret.
I hope things work out.
Hugs,
Clara
Posts: 359
Threads: 14
Joined: Oct 2011
Emily,
I can sympathize, having gone through the same thing. Once.
There are red lines in life that cannot be crossed. You not only have to realize that, but now you will have to work to get the trust back in your marriage. I'm afraid that putting "Emily in the attic" will probably not go very far in that regard. If she knows you did that, you're already fighting a losing battle, and if she doesn't know now, but finds out later, the battle will be lost.
Normally, for some of our situations, therapy or counseling could be suggested, but I would suggest that if you're considering that, that you hold off for a better time. You could get some solo counseling now, but I would suggest you not try to get her to go. Not now, and if she ever does, you may want her to use a different counselor. From not only my own experience, she may well view it as you and the counselor trying to gang up on her and force her to be the one who needs to change, when she feels perfectly justified in having the opinion of the situation that she has. And, like it or not, she is 100% correct. Showing her you care enough to get counseling on your own can only help.
You're not going to like my advice, but I have to tell you straight up, that she is the aggrieved party here, and to think otherwise is only being selfish of you. I think by now, you can see that this is not a light-hearted, happy-go-lucky, all good for you affair. It's serious shit, and you need to fully appreciate both the situation you have created and just how strong her feelings are about it. This one's on you, and you will have to make a great effort to fix it. Or leave it. That depends a lot on just where your head is at. Step back, figure out what is REALLY most important to you, and go from there.
As I said, I really, really do feel what you're going through, and I can only tell you that it's all up to you now. I wish you the best of luck, and hope that you figure this all out.
While it may seem I'm being hard-hearted, I'm not trying to be. I will also point out, to those of us here, and those of us considering being here, that this, and related subjects, have been discussed before, and having taken the time to read all of that may have prevented this situation from occurring. and may prevent it for others in the future. Far too many of us "don't have the time to be bothered to see what all is here." Say what you will, I spent 2 weeks of evenings reading every single post before I joined. This "growing breasts", whether or nor you view it as such, is a commitment, and should never be treated lightly.
Maybe it's in the male mind-set that we think we know more about wives and women than we do, but that could only get us in trouble when we disregard the feelings of the others in our lives. Please, please, use this site for educational experience as well as growing breasts. It's so much more than that.
Posts: 103
Threads: 11
Joined: May 2013
She knows Emily is in the attic. And now she acts like nothing happened and doesn't want to discuss.
I will wait until she brings it up, I guess.
And I have read. Here, at Susan's place, at CD.com... every book and documentary I can get my hands on.
This was a sucker-punch.
I'm going solo for a while. Best of luck and fair winds, folks.
Signing out.
E.
Posts: 359
Threads: 14
Joined: Oct 2011
Best of luck, and take care of yourself.
Posts: 2,409
Threads: 58
Joined: Oct 2013
Thank you for the post above, Patti. Everything you wrote is so very true. I wish you would copy it over to the thread "SO Acceptance".
I can understand the feelings that Emily is experiencing now. There is a sense of betrayal, I imagine, on both sides. Makes one realize that coming out to a loved one is a lot like disarming an unexploded bomb.
One has to take particular care in exposing one's gender identity when doing so has the potential to be so disruptive. It isn't something that people just shrug their shoulders and accept as fact.
Emily, if you're still with us, don't give up on yourself. Your gender identity is not something you can alter. The task now is to step back, reassess, and map out a new strategy to find peace of mind while holding onto the ones you love, if possible.
Again, I wish you the best going forward, and hope you will take advantage of the kind and sensitive people here who will support you on this never ending journey we're all on together.
CK
Posts: 118
Threads: 3
Joined: Jan 2013
Emily,
I agree with Patty. And her advice helped me in a difficult spot in my relationship with my wife.
I would just add "love yourself," for the person you are. Your wife might not realize it now - or ever, but part of the person she fell in love with is Emily.
My wife and I came to a truce of sorts, finding out what her red line is difficult for me to accept sometimes but rebuilding the trust... Now that is something not to mess around with.
Take care of yourself.
