Re Megan - Thank you for your response and insight Megan, I appreciate it. Though I think my wife would have rather it have been cheating instead of this. I try and keep the communications open and fresh though her responses can be a bit disheartening. A part of me feels it is deserved and justified seeing how I have hurt her and caused her anguish. Last night while we were taking, she basically told me that I would be the cause for breaking up the family. I just about died. If I continue I am screwed, if I don't continue I am screwed. My happiness brings about her unhappiness, and her happiness would bring about my unhappiness. Currently she doesn't seem interested in finding a middle ground.
Re Jessica - Thank you for your input Jessica, it is most appreciated. While it didn't go the way I wanted it, I was really expecting a whole lot worse. I am showing her all the love and compassion that I have. I am showing her the difference from who I was, to who I am. I think part of the problem is, she loves the shell, does not want the shell to change. I think she can tolerate my mood swings more than she can tolerate the idea that I want to be more feminine in appearance. I wish she could see and understand that I am a better person, but I think she has her blinders on and refuses to see what is before her. I know time ... Everything in good time.
Re Eden -
hugs Thank you so much for sharing your thoughts with me Eden, it really means a lot to me. I haven't given up, though at times I really want to. The easy road sometimes seems like the right choice, but I know that's not really true. I will continue to work at it to the best of my ability. Hopefully by my actions she will see that I am better person now that I ever was, and hopefully it will be enough. And yes, I do see and feel the wonderful friendships I have established here, and I think it is truly amazing. I feel wonderfully blessed to have so many kind and thoughtful friends here!
Re Bobbi -
hugs Thank you Bobbi for your feedback. I will see how well I can keep things flowing without being too over burdening. That's a tough one for me. Speaking of dresses, so we were out shopping yesterday because she was looking for a new dress. I was asking her about a few things, and well she was not particularly fond of my choices. She said I really have no sense of style. I said well it's because I don't have much experience shopping for dresses. She just gave me this really dirty look. So yeah, I don't think I can talk to her about shopping for any outfits, unless it is only for her. :p Thank you Bobbi, I shall continue and see where all this leads.
Re iaboy - Thank you very much for your input and feedback, much appreciated! I have expressed that and so much more to her iaboy. I've apologized for being so closed off to her because of the secrets I was keeping. I apologized that I was pushing her away because I didn't want her finding out about me. I told her that I am different mentally and emotionally. I am a lot more compassionate, loving, and caring. I am more sensual than I ever was. I want to be touched, held, caressed, as well as do that for her as well. I've told her, and I've been showing her. Unfortunately it is not being reciprocated. She is one to focus on the past, instead of seeing what is right before her now. She constantly does that to me. You ALWAYS do this, you NEVER do that. I ask her, how can you say ALWAYS or NEVER, when I have been doing the opposite recently? Unfortunately she deals in absolutes, and I am not sure I can reach through to her. I do believe I need to see a professional, and I do believe we both need to see counseling together. Hopefully it will help. I am also hoping that the TG support that is forming here locally may have some additional local insight and help for us as well. Thank you very much iaboy for your help and thoughts on all this. It has been most helpful, and I also appreciate the offer to PM.
hugs
Re Tanya -
hugs Thank you Tanya for you lovely words of wisdom and advice. It's been a long time since I have been true to myself. I was obedient and submissive to my father, I was warm and loving to my mother, I was playful for my brother, I was silly for my friends, I was wild for my friends, I was crazy for my friends, I was whatever others needed me to be, just so that I could fit in. I guess, looking back at it, I've always tried to please everyone, even though I was well aware that you can't please everyone all the time. It didn't stop me from trying. I knew this day was going to come, it was getting harder and harder to keep that part of me bottled away. I do believe things happen for a reason, and come to fruition all in due time, when you force things to go your way that's when things tend to go awry. Everything kind of just happened so quickly, one chain of events after another, I doubt it was all coincidental. I don't know what my future holds, how many more struggles I will encounter, but whatever it is, I will try my hardest and push forward. Thank you again Tanya for being a dear and wonderful friend!
hugs
Re Pansy-Mae - Thank you for your kind response, it is most appreciated. I would not make such a promise, I rarely make a promise because I have found that the moment you make a promise it seems like all the powers in the universe are hell bent on tempting you to break that promise. Maybe that's just me, but it has been my experience. If I make a promise I have to be prepared to live up to that promise. I told her that this was not some fleeting thing I did on a whim. There isn't an on/off switch for this, I am not sure she fully understands though.
Re Allyson -
hug HUGS Thank you Allyson, I know you are always there for me, and I appreciate it more than words can say. I am making sure that I am talking to my wife and working with her through this so that she has a better understanding. I know there isn't stuffing myself back into a bottle, I just need to reach her so that she understands that this is a part of me, but it hasn't changed that I still love and care for her. Actions speak louder than words, so I am trying really hard for her to see that. Time will tell how things will go. Again, thank you!
Re dcdee - Best of luck when that happens, prepare for the worst, and hope for the best. I spent a lot of times thinking of worse possible cases and scenarios.
hugs
Re Jannet - Thank you Jannet for the insight, it is much appreciated. Though I know things aren't always rosy between you and your wife, you two are working through it as best you can. I hope when my wife has a better understanding of things we can start to work on strengthening our relationship. As mentioned, time will tell where all of this leads. I have to give her just enough space for her to understand and process.
I guess a bit of an update, since Sunday. A couple of nights ago I asked her so what are we going to do? She pretty much said that the path I am on, I would be the cause of breaking up our family. Yeah, ouch, that really stung. I was a bit at a loss for words. I know I said something, but I can't seem to recall exactly what I said. Nothing much else was said after that. Our evening kind of went on like normal. The next morning she told me she didn't sleep well, that she was too busy thinking about me.
I guess now I am causing her a different kind of anguish. Later that evening, everything seemed okay again. I brought up again that I wanted to go to that Support group. She was concerned about my outing myself. She was also not thrilled that if in the future it happened to coincide with church with her family I would be ditching them. I told her that I wouldn't. I told her that I am trying really hard to work with her on this, and not make it too much of an inconvenience. I told her hopefully it continues to meet later in the afternoon, and we could take separate cars on those days so I could excuse myself and not interfere with her spending time with her parents. I also told her maybe should could look at the website to see what it was about. She was busy with work, so I fell asleep.
She was surprised this morning that the support group I want to attend is a Transgender support group. So I know she has not fully been listening to what I am telling her. I am assuming that she checked out the website. I tried to explain to her that it isn't black and white, it is a spectrum. Later when she was getting ready to leave for work, she asked me if what I was wanting was to cross dress, I told her it wasn't like that. I told her that I like being both, I love the way I feel and look female, as well as like the way I look and feel as male. I am in the middle, I like being both. She told me I CAN'T be both! I told her I really wish she would look at my pictures and see what I look like, see how happy I look. She said NO, that's not something she wants to see. She also said that my sharing my pictures online here is a cry for attention. I told her it wasn't like that, I had a very difficult time posting pictures of myself as a female. I wanted that feedback, I wanted to know what others thought, I had no one else to talk to about it. I also told her that she really needs to look into GD and TG more. Seems I have some homework to do so I can get her useful and helpful information. She didn't leave on bad terms, I did give her a warm hug and kiss goodbye and told her that I hope she had a great day at work. I am trying, I am not making any promises I can't keep, and hopefully it will sink in and she can get past the confusion of it all.
I just want to say Thank You to everyone for their kindness and support. It really really means a great deal to me! It is definitely helpful knowing that I am not totally alone, I am not crazy, and most of all, I am not completely abnormal.
