[Marina Kits]

***Abridged****
Something is missing, and I don't know what it is. It's not enough to develop breasts. It's not enough to dress as a woman, don a wig, and makeup my face to appear more feminine. It's not enough that my wife is understanding and supportive of my crossgender ways. This situation is beginning to bother me, and so, in that respect, I'm still experiencing mental discomfort, a kind of mild dysphoria or dissonance.

Do any of you guys/girls have similar feelings now or in the past? What have you done to address those feelings? Is this a sign that further transitioning is needed? As we integrate our female genders into our lifestyles, shouldn't there be a sense of relief and empowerment as the process goes forward?

This came to me like a firecracker as soon as I read your post Clara. I don't like to admit it but initially, there was a thrill with all the NBE, cross dressing activities that was similar to the sexual thrill I got from all the "extra curricular" (P&M) activities I used to do. The thrill of deviant activities was replaced (for a while) by the thrill of openly cross dressing in front of my wife, NBE and admitting I am transgender. I forget how long it lasted but it wasn't indefinite. It's like, even though my sex drive was pummeled by NBE, my mental sexual habits still demanded a "fix" of some sort before they too subsided. Then I found myself in a place where cross dressing was a peaceful, relaxing activity that I didn't HAVE to do but rather enjoyed. Eventually that gave way to what it is now, just a basic desire to incorporate more feminine / gender neutral attire into my daily life to satisfy the girl inside. There were times along the way where I remember the "want" for a thrill again and feelings of, "this is no longer enough" but luckily for me, those have all but disappeared and I'm left with just my desire to be a girl. Sadly, that has never gone away as I hoped it would when I started NBE. It's much easier to manage at the moment, mind you, and I wont be giving up HRT anytime soon for that reason. However, due to my life situation, I can't pursue SRS so I am pursuing androgeny with an attitude of, "why should girls get to have all the fun".

Another interesting aspect you may or may not encounter is a time when Breast Nexus "therapy" comes to an end for you - or at least necessary at a much lower frequency. I remember the inner turmoil I had when I started coming here a year ago. I was in a hysterical fight to annihilate SOMETHING within myself at ANY cost! The female psyche, sexual addiction, self loathing... whatever it was, foreign "thing" within me that was driving me crazy needed to be removed and collateral damage was not a concern. I poured my heart out here repeatedly and the combination of putting it in writing, the feedback from beloved friends here and my faith of course, has helped me find self acceptance and balance. Often times now I find I have simply exhausted my supply of "inner turmoil" and have nothing left to say that hasn't already been said for my own benefit or for the benefit of others.

I know we both have similar starting points Clara so maybe... hopefully, something I've said will help you a little today. My guess is that you're going through some smoke and can't see clearly for the moment but eventually, the "desire for more" will wain and you'll find yourself in new territory. This has been an interesting journey of self discovery for me, to say the least as I suspect it is for all who pass this way. Good luck. May peaceful waters and smooth sailing be just ahead for you.