[flamesabers]

Flame, you raise some interesting and useful points that I've been pondering. I envy your assuredness in your gender identity.

Thank you.

I think my assuredness is the result of my gender identity being structured on a few simple premises and its self-regulatory nature. Probably the most concrete assertion I can make about my gender identity is that it lacks a male ego. A secondary assertion would be that I have a number of personality traits that are more rooted in the feminine spectrum than its counterpart. While I do have a mission statement concerning gender: achieving an androgynous appearance, I have no timetable or grand plan to complete such a goal. My gender identity operates on its own schedule and its own gradual ways, whether it be NBE, lasering my facial hair, buying feminine posters, or watching Disney musicals.

Put it another way, my gender identity operates like my financial habits. It's doable I could become a millionaire someday. I'm frugal, but I'm not a miser nor do I live on a strict budget. Instead, I have more of an internal sense of what an appropriate spending level is for me. I don't spend time calculating how close I'm to the millionaire mark, but I do set reasonable fiscal goals every year. In other words, it's in my nature to accumulate and preserve wealth, as oppose to forcing myself to follow a master plan to become a millionaire or whatever. Having enough money is important to me, but it's not something that dominates my life or mind. Ultimately, my most important priority is having financial security and stability, as oppose to accumulating a set amount of wealth.

Perhaps a parallel can be drawn between my lack of temptation or urge to keep up with the Joneses and my lack of male ego?

This came to me like a firecracker as soon as I read your post Clara. I don't like to admit it but initially, there was a thrill with all the NBE, cross dressing activities that was similar to the sexual thrill I got from all the "extra curricular" (P&M) activities I used to do. The thrill of deviant activities was replaced (for a while) by the thrill of openly cross dressing in front of my wife, NBE and admitting I am transgender. I forget how long it lasted but it wasn't indefinite. It's like, even though my sex drive was pummeled by NBE, my mental sexual habits still demanded a "fix" of some sort before they too subsided. Then I found myself in a place where cross dressing was a peaceful, relaxing activity that I didn't HAVE to do but rather enjoyed. Eventually that gave way to what it is now, just a basic desire to incorporate more feminine / gender neutral attire into my daily life to satisfy the girl inside.

Kari, I can relate to a number of the stages you've described. I think the difference for me is I went through them concurrently, especially in my teen years. For instance, when crossdressing provided a huge rush for me, I was seriously wondering whether I was an MtF transsexual. I first took the Cogati at age 16. During that time, I also pored over a large number of sites concerning gender identity and transgender. The distinction between sex and gender was easy for me to grasp. I also realized that despite being a self-consciousness person, I had no personal shame about having a non-conforming gender identity. I never tried or felt compelled to act in a hyper-masculine manner to conceal my real gender. It wasn't until I started taking pm that my libidio and the erotic nature of crossdressing finally lessened.