[Marina Kits]

***Abridged***
For many years, my relationships with others always confused love and sex. Strong feelings of love almost always led to a desire for sex. At the same time, GID issues were also tied up in that, whether through watching TG oriented porn or through dressing, invariably leading to an act of self gratification. For many years I believed, as a result, that crossdressing was for me a sexually driven fetish and one of which I was ashamed.

Exactly the same for me except that I've only been with one person - my one and only bride.
Oh the guilt and shame!!! Feeling like I cheated my wife out of something she would have enjoyed for selfish gratification.

Now that my libido has dropped through the floor from PM, I am no longer certain about this at all, since the need to be feminine has, if anything, now begun to strengthen exponentially while there is almost zero thought of sex anymore.

I wouldn't say my feminine side is any more present than it was before but my libido is AWAL for certain and I love it that way. It makes for MUCH clearer separation between sex and love. Love is love, sex is sex and they have little to do with each other. I love being free to make decision withOUT input from below my belt and NOT being pushed, pulled and drug into all sorts of lasciviousness.

But I do harbor strong suspicions that the need for love, still strong in me (as I expect it is in all of us) and whatever that word "love" means, but totally unrelated to sex, is nonetheless a large component of my GID. I confess, somewhat shyly, and probably to no surprise to some, that in me it is a deep seated need to be wanted.

Funny thing has happened in our house since I started NBE. My wife used to ask me all the time if I loved her ...and it drove me crazy! It seemed like I never got the chance to tell her without her asking first which made it seem disingenuous to me. Now, I'M the one always asking her if she loves me! Some of it is because I've been so vulnerable and exposed, I'm afraid she might fly the coop and never come back but much of it is that I NEED to know I'm loved by her and hearing her say it is very reassuring. I guess the girl in me probably wants to hear it???

What does love mean? To me it means that I'm fully accepted as I am, not as I should be. I have a theory that a person can only love others as much as he or she has felt loved by someone else (parent, guardian, friend, mentor or in my case Jesus, the ultimate lover). Many of you know that my faith is very important to me. I get that it's a sore subject for most of you but in recent years, I have felt thoroughly loved by Jesus and that has amplified my love for everyone within my circle. Wife, kids, family, friends, co-workers and even strangers. Social outcasts and those with lots of baggage and abnormalities are valued as much as anyone. It's easy for me to say but if you knew me then and now, I bet you'd agree, I'm very different than I used to be and it's because I've experienced unconditional love. NBE has changed my demeanor but the love of God has changed my heart. Obviously I'm still offensive at times and prone to imperfections of all kinds but it's easier to do right than it used to be.

It is also, I expect, tied up in feelings indicative of low self esteem. And this might well apply to many GG's who come here hoping to boost their own self esteem by boosting the size of their breasts. But it will likely be different for all of us.
Thoughts? Does this resonate with anyone else?
The confession booth is open.

Low self esteem and insecure are certainly descriptive of me. I've never been popular and always had a hard time keeping friends. The later part of that has really been bothering me lately and I'm trying to figure it out. I wonder if it's because I'm not your typical male. My mannerisms aren't that effeminate but I have many illusive feminine traits that I suspect others have a hard time getting their thumb on which also make it awkward to be friends with me, male to male. I think I scare guys away from myself because I'm deeply relational, vulnerable, insecure, crave nonsexual intimacy and transparency, etc. I don't "dish-it-out well" and if you get superficial on me (sports, weather etc.) I tune out rather quickly. I'm in awe of why my wife has stuck with me for 23 years when no one else has lasted even half that long. I wonder how I'd do with GG's if I could get over my nervousness around them and my wife would allow it. I suspect I'd get along incredibly well with them.