Hi, Barry. I really sympathize with the conflicts you are experiencing. I've had many of the same feelings -- both the joys and disappointments of the gender-hand that I was dealt.
Being bi-gender, that is, having both a male and a female gender identity in nearly equal measure is probably the most difficult condition to cope with. I made it to my 60s living the male role, but only because I was largely ignorant of the alternatives. I did it, and you can do it, too. You will have to learn to cope with the behavioral side effects of GD (the desire to crossdress, for example), but you can embrace your male side and continue to carry through on the commitments you've made to your wife and kids. (BTW, congratulations on the future birth of a new son or daughter!)
I appreciate your wanting to mediate the conflicting demands of your gender dichotomy. Maybe you still can, but it will not be easy. It's going to be a real balancing act. I started taking PM for that same reason and I was able to experience the psychological benefits soon after starting, as you did. I, too, lost my male sex drive rather quickly including the urge to view porn and masturbate. That was welcome, believe me! Yes, my erections became few and far between, as well, but since my wife is post-menopausal with a waning interest in sex, it didn't present a huge problem for either of us. You're situation is different. On the bright side, my changed demeanor, which resulted from the profound effects of estrogen on my brain, injected new life into our relationship. Intimacy actually increased to our mutual delight, but without sexual intercourse being the focus as it always was before. If you can satisfy your wife that way, with her full knowledge and support, it might work for you, too, but few of us here have that kind of spousal cooperation, so temper your hopes.
I have to mention that the effects of being on PM for 7 months so far have brought about other changes which I didn't expect. Bathing my brain cells in estrogen for an extended period has caused my feminine identity to blossom. Unlike you, I rarely crossdressed prior to starting herbal HRT. Now, with the full knowledge and support of my wife, crossdressing is very much a part of my gender expression (I just wish I was younger and prettier...hee hee). It's not that I reject my male side (I still live as a man 99% of the time), but my female side is expanding day by day. I didn't anticipate that.
I used to have second thoughts now and then about my NBE quest, but they seem to have gone away for good. Where my journey will end is still an open question. I don't plan to transition to living as a woman, but I know that the way I feel today is not necessarily the way I'll feel tomorrow. If you go down that road, you should know it's a slippery slope bathed in a pink fog.
I think you are wise to defer embarking on the PM cruise, at least for now. It might help ease some GD you are struggling with right now, but I'm 99% sure it will also cause a whole new boat load of problems that you really don't want to have to deal with at this stage of your life. I guess that's why a lot of us gender in-betweeners don't seriously address our GD issues until later in life. In time, the barriers will fall and it will become easier (I didn't say easy) to be the person you were born to be. For now, be the great husband and father that you appear to be, and enjoy the male gender role to the fullest. She (Miss Barry) will be ready waiting when the time is right.
Huggs,
Clara
Being bi-gender, that is, having both a male and a female gender identity in nearly equal measure is probably the most difficult condition to cope with. I made it to my 60s living the male role, but only because I was largely ignorant of the alternatives. I did it, and you can do it, too. You will have to learn to cope with the behavioral side effects of GD (the desire to crossdress, for example), but you can embrace your male side and continue to carry through on the commitments you've made to your wife and kids. (BTW, congratulations on the future birth of a new son or daughter!)
I appreciate your wanting to mediate the conflicting demands of your gender dichotomy. Maybe you still can, but it will not be easy. It's going to be a real balancing act. I started taking PM for that same reason and I was able to experience the psychological benefits soon after starting, as you did. I, too, lost my male sex drive rather quickly including the urge to view porn and masturbate. That was welcome, believe me! Yes, my erections became few and far between, as well, but since my wife is post-menopausal with a waning interest in sex, it didn't present a huge problem for either of us. You're situation is different. On the bright side, my changed demeanor, which resulted from the profound effects of estrogen on my brain, injected new life into our relationship. Intimacy actually increased to our mutual delight, but without sexual intercourse being the focus as it always was before. If you can satisfy your wife that way, with her full knowledge and support, it might work for you, too, but few of us here have that kind of spousal cooperation, so temper your hopes.
I have to mention that the effects of being on PM for 7 months so far have brought about other changes which I didn't expect. Bathing my brain cells in estrogen for an extended period has caused my feminine identity to blossom. Unlike you, I rarely crossdressed prior to starting herbal HRT. Now, with the full knowledge and support of my wife, crossdressing is very much a part of my gender expression (I just wish I was younger and prettier...hee hee). It's not that I reject my male side (I still live as a man 99% of the time), but my female side is expanding day by day. I didn't anticipate that.
I used to have second thoughts now and then about my NBE quest, but they seem to have gone away for good. Where my journey will end is still an open question. I don't plan to transition to living as a woman, but I know that the way I feel today is not necessarily the way I'll feel tomorrow. If you go down that road, you should know it's a slippery slope bathed in a pink fog.
I think you are wise to defer embarking on the PM cruise, at least for now. It might help ease some GD you are struggling with right now, but I'm 99% sure it will also cause a whole new boat load of problems that you really don't want to have to deal with at this stage of your life. I guess that's why a lot of us gender in-betweeners don't seriously address our GD issues until later in life. In time, the barriers will fall and it will become easier (I didn't say easy) to be the person you were born to be. For now, be the great husband and father that you appear to be, and enjoy the male gender role to the fullest. She (Miss Barry) will be ready waiting when the time is right.
Huggs,
Clara