15-10-2014, 09:48 PM
I agree with you, Sammie. Gender alone is not reason enough to dissolve a good marriage. That's the good news. But getting past the gender issues is not easy even in the strongest of marriages.
I think the biggest stumbling block is putting all the attention on the trans partner and overlooking the needs of her mate. One has to look at one's transition as including both partners.
My wife's biggest concern was, I think, her own sense of security. "How do I fit into all this?" was her question. She imagined my following a course that didn't include her, and that ultimately it would result in our marriage being irreparably damaged or worse.
In cases where marriages survived a transition, the wife is almost always an active participant in the process, and the process progresses at a speed she feels comfortable with. But sometimes your mate has to be gently or not so gently pushed.
I know of several trans marriages where the wife is adamantly against it. What do you do in that case? It all depends, again, on the strength of the marriage and the desire for both partners to stay together. Sometimes, it's necessary to force the issue.
I have a good friend whose wife has set severe limits on her freedom to express her feminine side. The result has been to force her into living a secret TG life. IMO, this is deadly for the health of the marriage in the long run. When the secret is eventually discovered, any trust that exists between them will be destroyed. It would be better to force the issues into the open now and work out a solution even if it means risking losing everything. The chances of finding a reasonable compromise are much better when dealing honestly with your partner. Most often the objections of a spouse are based on fear of loss -- loss of social standing, financial security, companionship, etc. Those fears have to be neutralized for acceptance to begin to take root.
The key to a successful transition as a couple is to make progress together. Even tiny baby steps will eventually get to where you need to be, as long as both partners are making those step together. I'm trying to help my friend get back in step with her partner. It's hard, because it means going back to square one. It means finding a way to force a recalcitrant wife to face up to the reality that there is no solution that doesn't include an opportunity for the trans partner to be true to her gender sense.
Well, I've gone on too long on this post already, so I'll end it here by just saying that even as I have achieved progress in my transition with the full support and cooperation of my spouse, I'm always looking for ways to keep us in step as my transition continues. There are still many challenges ahead. So, I stick to the philosophy that nothing happens without getting the "green light". A yellow or red light means finding out why and working on the problem together.
Clara
I think the biggest stumbling block is putting all the attention on the trans partner and overlooking the needs of her mate. One has to look at one's transition as including both partners.
My wife's biggest concern was, I think, her own sense of security. "How do I fit into all this?" was her question. She imagined my following a course that didn't include her, and that ultimately it would result in our marriage being irreparably damaged or worse.
In cases where marriages survived a transition, the wife is almost always an active participant in the process, and the process progresses at a speed she feels comfortable with. But sometimes your mate has to be gently or not so gently pushed.
I know of several trans marriages where the wife is adamantly against it. What do you do in that case? It all depends, again, on the strength of the marriage and the desire for both partners to stay together. Sometimes, it's necessary to force the issue.
I have a good friend whose wife has set severe limits on her freedom to express her feminine side. The result has been to force her into living a secret TG life. IMO, this is deadly for the health of the marriage in the long run. When the secret is eventually discovered, any trust that exists between them will be destroyed. It would be better to force the issues into the open now and work out a solution even if it means risking losing everything. The chances of finding a reasonable compromise are much better when dealing honestly with your partner. Most often the objections of a spouse are based on fear of loss -- loss of social standing, financial security, companionship, etc. Those fears have to be neutralized for acceptance to begin to take root.
The key to a successful transition as a couple is to make progress together. Even tiny baby steps will eventually get to where you need to be, as long as both partners are making those step together. I'm trying to help my friend get back in step with her partner. It's hard, because it means going back to square one. It means finding a way to force a recalcitrant wife to face up to the reality that there is no solution that doesn't include an opportunity for the trans partner to be true to her gender sense.
Well, I've gone on too long on this post already, so I'll end it here by just saying that even as I have achieved progress in my transition with the full support and cooperation of my spouse, I'm always looking for ways to keep us in step as my transition continues. There are still many challenges ahead. So, I stick to the philosophy that nothing happens without getting the "green light". A yellow or red light means finding out why and working on the problem together.
Clara