[Carys]

So I haven't been on here in a while. I have been trying to wait for life to calm down before I make anymore pursuits on becoming more feminine, and to begin to push more into transitioning. Partly because my desire to transition has waned over the summer. While I have experienced bits of times where it has returned, for the most part it has not been very prevalent while I have been trying to finish a divorce, begin school, and handle unemployment.

I realized that I don't know where I stand. Some days I want to be a man, and some days I want to be a woman. It's like I have a 50/50 chance that I am going to be able to be exactly what I feel like I am. Tonight I took a plunge when I came across my herbal supplies and creams. I shaved the hair off my chest, and massaged a dose of the PM cream over my breasts. As I rubbed them in a circular motion, I suddenly felt something inside me that I hadn't in a while. It was actual feeling. I felt like I suddenly had woken up, and emotion began to rush in. I couldn't help but double over and cry.

I don't know what to make of it all, and I don't know what step to take next. I've been gaining some confidence in my masculinity over the past months, but I don't know if it's really what I want. I'm so confused. I don't even know where I am going with all of this, so I am going to just stop here, and maybe I will be able to figure it out later.