[Marina Kits]

Thanks everyone. I've come to this point after 44 years of kicking and screaming, digging in my heals and resisting in every way I could think of. It's certainly not anything I WANT to do but rather, something I can't NOT do. It truly is. I just can't do the wrong me anymore. Yesterday was another painful day literally filled with tears beginning to end. It started in church when I couldn't find any friends (in a church of 4000) and no one approached me. I realized that as things are probably going, I might get encouraged to, "not come 'round anymore," after we start looking like a lesbian couple. Some true Christians there will accept us but many of the phonies and immature will certainly have nothing but disdain for us. Later that day, my mind went wandering towards family and friends who we know will not understand me, at least for a couple years. Our families have never been exposed to transgender and I'm positive some will exert "corrective social pressure" on me. I don't WANT to be the one who has to educate them. And then I began thinking about all that my wife will have to endure. How many times will gutless friends and family go to her to ask their stupid questions and tell her how to fix me or worse yet, to divorce me. How many times will she have to defend me? What about the social stigma she will have to endure when we look like lesbians? What about not being able to hold hands when we walk through town or at the mall? What about our dreams of growing old together, husband and wife, and going on short term missions together? God bless her for sticking with me! What about my kids? Will they get teased because their Dad is weird at best or at worst a freak? How fair is it for them to have to deal with what will likely come their way? Will they have the courage and stamina to stand by me? I know, some will say "F" those who don't accept you but please don't - it's simply not a option for me. I don't expect any of this to be easy. Honestly, moving down the transition road feels pretty selfish in my situation but it has come to the point that I don't really feel like I have a choice. The misery of trying to maintain the facade and the fake, irritable person that it makes me is just as bad as what lies ahead. This just sucks on every level!!! Like chemotherapy I suppose, it just has to be done to survive.

I realize what I've said is pretty doom and gloom. There's some clarity in all these recent developments and that's worth celebrating I suppose. Thank you all for your compliments and congratulations. But with the clarity, there's also some sobering realities and reminders that what lies ahead doesn't come without cost. This is only a milestone, not the triumphant end of a journey or even the beginning of a thrilling carnival ride ...at least not for me.