[sfem]

This is an old argument of bryony's. Please don't take too much from it as blindly applicable to you. Read between the lines. There is a lot of suppressed pain behind the words. The point B makes is too reduced to be broadly applicable. To put it another way, generalities are usually wrong.
Not everyone who has gender issues even admits them to themselves, and rarely do they themselves know the extent of them, or how they can change over the course of decades. B's point is based on the idea that you knew it all before you met your spouse, and then deliberately hid it for your own selfish purposes, and then spring it on your spouse when she has no cards left to play. No kidding such an individual would have something to feel ashamed about. But it is only a characterization, not a reality for most of us. Read through the past few years of postings on just this forum, never mind the others. Take a look at the long term progress and changes in both bodies and minds even among the participants here, never mind the minds of those they associate with. You will perhaps realize people change. And sometimes those changes can be adapted to, rolled with, accepted. And sometimes they can't.
Writings like the Salon article always make me very skeptical. I don't judge people based solely on the feelings of others about them. So I don't judge that woman's husband based on just her view of him. I also would suggest that even her comments about what he told her are actually only her understanding of what he said, probably coloured by her feelings about her understanding.
Don't assume you are a bad person just because someone else says you are. Find your own way. Exercise empathy. Find joy. Together if possible.
I see nothing misogynistic about what we are doing. If we have any gender based hate in our ranks, I suspect it is directed more at male culture than female.