26-03-2015, 05:19 PM
Of course coming out to one's spouse as a transgender person is going to be a traumatic event, especially if the condition was well-hidden for many years. This woman's story is not at all unusual.
Attempting to assign blame is counter productive, however, unless the intent is to dissolve the marriage and divide the couple's assets.
But consider the fact that one gender therapist I'm familiar with, having worked with married transgender clients for many years, has never had a case where after more than 30 years of marriage, it ended in divorce. Long term marriages tend to be stable even under trying circumstances. Add to that the difficulty that exists in starting over late in life, there is more motivation for both partners to adapt to the changes.
Coming out to a spouse as transgender is not easy. It takes courage, resolve, and a lot of work to keep the marriage intact. It doesn't help to dwell on the past. Sure, mistakes were made, but the past is past. Now is the time to focus on building a new relationship under new circumstances.
Don't think that your spouse's strong negative reaction to your disclosure is necessarily a bad thing. She's fighting to hang on to her way of life with you. She's afraid that you are the one who will choose to leave her. She is terrified of the consequences of your gender change. Most of those fears can be put to rest in time.
After 30+ years of marriage my spouse and I have succeeded in building a new life as a same sex couple. Lucky, yes, but it wasn't a given. We both wanted to stay together, and we worked to find a way.
Clara
Attempting to assign blame is counter productive, however, unless the intent is to dissolve the marriage and divide the couple's assets.
But consider the fact that one gender therapist I'm familiar with, having worked with married transgender clients for many years, has never had a case where after more than 30 years of marriage, it ended in divorce. Long term marriages tend to be stable even under trying circumstances. Add to that the difficulty that exists in starting over late in life, there is more motivation for both partners to adapt to the changes.
Coming out to a spouse as transgender is not easy. It takes courage, resolve, and a lot of work to keep the marriage intact. It doesn't help to dwell on the past. Sure, mistakes were made, but the past is past. Now is the time to focus on building a new relationship under new circumstances.
Don't think that your spouse's strong negative reaction to your disclosure is necessarily a bad thing. She's fighting to hang on to her way of life with you. She's afraid that you are the one who will choose to leave her. She is terrified of the consequences of your gender change. Most of those fears can be put to rest in time.
After 30+ years of marriage my spouse and I have succeeded in building a new life as a same sex couple. Lucky, yes, but it wasn't a given. We both wanted to stay together, and we worked to find a way.
Clara