About 5 years ago, I opened up to my wife about my closet dressing and my feeling of something not being right about who I was. I was very much in denial of the possibility that I had some form of gender identity issues. She demanded that I stopped dressing, which I did for a while, then I felt the urges again a short time after. So, I hid it from her again so that I didn't upset her. I felt the deep guilt and again explained what I was doing and asked that she allow me to dress occasionally around her. She let me for a couple times, then told me she didn't want me doing it around her. This went back and forth for a few years.
About a year and a half ago, I started to take some herbal meds to curb my mind, and curve my body. They worked well on both. I used to have an extremely short fuse. I was always alpha of each group of friends. I would yell and walk around pissed off all the time about everything.
Fast forward to a few weeks ago.. My wife told me that she might be gay, as she did not find guys attractive. I actually got kind of excited thinking since i had some cleavage, and wanted to look a little more feminine, we'd be the perfect match. Last week, she changed her mind and said she is straight, but doesn't find me attractive at all. She also said that she thinks that she wants to end our marriage because she doesn't like me taking the herbals, and doesn't want me growing breasts.
Finally, today she asked if I would or could "stop it all". When I asked her to define "all" she said, "no herbals, dressing or anything related to this." We watched the Bruce Jenner special, the Laura Jane Grace series, and a few documentaries on Gender Identity..
I didn't respond to the question because I don't get the problem. I see what I'm doing as absolutely harmless. Our sex life went to shit right after our first kid was born. This was before any of my stuff surfaced. She admitted that she's not attracted to me, so why does she care if I want to make myself feel attractive even if she doesn't?
She started seeing a psychiatrist to talk about possible depression. The psychiatrist told her that she's dealt with a similar situation where the husband transitioned (I don't want to). She reassured my wife that they didn't last, so she was confident we wouldn't either (second time talking to my wife).
Also, a week ago, my wife asked me if she could talk to her best friend about me, explaining what I have done with dressing and the herbals. I reluctantly said "yes" even though I was very uncomfortable with it, but since this woman lives far enough away that I wouldn't have to face her anytime soon, I'd get over it.
Today I found out that not only did she tell her, but at the same time, she told her other close friend who I see all the time. I asked her why she felt that she could freely speak about me, and explaining how personal and embarrassing it is, the response I got was, "oh well, they don't think bad of you. Pretty soon it'll be normal because of all the TV shows".
For the last couple months, and especially the last few weeks, she's acted like we aren't together. Telling me that she is unsure of our future, and I feel she is damaging me by crossing trusted boundaries. I don't feel there is an "oops" leeway for telling someone about this..
Am I out in left field? Why doesn't any of this make sense to me? I have started to wonder if this is possibly an excuse to divorce because of something else. I'm not sure, but it seems like someone taking herbal supplements, putting a bra on once every few months and moobs is grounds for divorce??? I thought it'd take more than that.. I'm so damn confused.
I know none of you are my therapist, which I probably need.. But anyone that's gone through this and has any insight on how she might be feeling, or maybe I'm justified in my feelings.. I don't know. I just wanted to write this down to clear my head. This is such an amazing site. Thank you.
About a year and a half ago, I started to take some herbal meds to curb my mind, and curve my body. They worked well on both. I used to have an extremely short fuse. I was always alpha of each group of friends. I would yell and walk around pissed off all the time about everything.
Fast forward to a few weeks ago.. My wife told me that she might be gay, as she did not find guys attractive. I actually got kind of excited thinking since i had some cleavage, and wanted to look a little more feminine, we'd be the perfect match. Last week, she changed her mind and said she is straight, but doesn't find me attractive at all. She also said that she thinks that she wants to end our marriage because she doesn't like me taking the herbals, and doesn't want me growing breasts.
Finally, today she asked if I would or could "stop it all". When I asked her to define "all" she said, "no herbals, dressing or anything related to this." We watched the Bruce Jenner special, the Laura Jane Grace series, and a few documentaries on Gender Identity..
I didn't respond to the question because I don't get the problem. I see what I'm doing as absolutely harmless. Our sex life went to shit right after our first kid was born. This was before any of my stuff surfaced. She admitted that she's not attracted to me, so why does she care if I want to make myself feel attractive even if she doesn't?
She started seeing a psychiatrist to talk about possible depression. The psychiatrist told her that she's dealt with a similar situation where the husband transitioned (I don't want to). She reassured my wife that they didn't last, so she was confident we wouldn't either (second time talking to my wife).
Also, a week ago, my wife asked me if she could talk to her best friend about me, explaining what I have done with dressing and the herbals. I reluctantly said "yes" even though I was very uncomfortable with it, but since this woman lives far enough away that I wouldn't have to face her anytime soon, I'd get over it.
Today I found out that not only did she tell her, but at the same time, she told her other close friend who I see all the time. I asked her why she felt that she could freely speak about me, and explaining how personal and embarrassing it is, the response I got was, "oh well, they don't think bad of you. Pretty soon it'll be normal because of all the TV shows".
For the last couple months, and especially the last few weeks, she's acted like we aren't together. Telling me that she is unsure of our future, and I feel she is damaging me by crossing trusted boundaries. I don't feel there is an "oops" leeway for telling someone about this..
Am I out in left field? Why doesn't any of this make sense to me? I have started to wonder if this is possibly an excuse to divorce because of something else. I'm not sure, but it seems like someone taking herbal supplements, putting a bra on once every few months and moobs is grounds for divorce??? I thought it'd take more than that.. I'm so damn confused.
I know none of you are my therapist, which I probably need.. But anyone that's gone through this and has any insight on how she might be feeling, or maybe I'm justified in my feelings.. I don't know. I just wanted to write this down to clear my head. This is such an amazing site. Thank you.