12-06-2015, 03:03 PM
Hurricane,
By keeping this secret about yourself from the beginning, you've really shot yourself in the foot. She cannot help but feel betrayed. Try to put yourself in her shoes.
TibetanPrincess explained this nicely, I think, from a woman's perspective. I don't understand the vitriol directed at her. This one drives me crazy, because it's a recurring theme in these circles. Some bloke wants to start wearing panties and growing boobs, and wonders why his wife of 20 years is upset with this new discovery... uh, hello! You've been LYING to your wife!
And it's because you've been LYING to YOURSELF for your whole life... I get that. But don't lay that at her feet!
That is not to say that your struggle is not real, or not valid. I know some here just want to say your wife is a bitch for not sympathizing 100%, but that would be a gross failure in human understanding. I'm not sure that attitude isn't outright misogyny.
So, you've found yourself in a situation that, while it may not be completely and entirely of your own making, you've still put yourself in because of your guilt, shame, whatever issues led to you hide part of yourself from your spouse. Regardless of the solution, you need to start with understanding your responsibility here.
I'm not going to tell you one way or the other about splitting. I don't know what could happen. If your relationship is toxic and hurtful to your children, then it needs to be ended. Or, if things can be worked out, work them out. Put the kids first, obviously... you made them, you're responsible to society for raising them. They should not have to suffer for your bad decision making.
There are many different ways to find joy in life.
If I could tell all young other-gendered folks one thing, it would be, be honest. I have always disclosed my stuff right up front... which has *never* chased off a prospective lover.
(With wives, it's not the gender issues... 99% of the time, it's the lying, the hiding, the betrayal, the sudden complete change of personality of the person she *thought* she knew. No matter how awful the wife, she's perfectly within her right to be angry, at least at first.)
And... just to throw this out there... I sense some unresolved childhood issues of your own. Work on those first. My suggestion (keep in mind free advice is always worth what you pay for it!) would be to go on with whatever supplements keep you calm; learn a new coping mechanism (such as meditation, smoking cannabis, jogging, building model airplanes -- whatever works for you); and continue counseling for a time -- with a humble approach. It's not her fault; remember that.
Unless she actually is a crazy person (narcissistic, borderline, etc)... then calmly disregard my post, and run like hell.
Realistically, there's no good easy path here... and try to remember that thing about other sides and greener grass.
By keeping this secret about yourself from the beginning, you've really shot yourself in the foot. She cannot help but feel betrayed. Try to put yourself in her shoes.
TibetanPrincess explained this nicely, I think, from a woman's perspective. I don't understand the vitriol directed at her. This one drives me crazy, because it's a recurring theme in these circles. Some bloke wants to start wearing panties and growing boobs, and wonders why his wife of 20 years is upset with this new discovery... uh, hello! You've been LYING to your wife!
And it's because you've been LYING to YOURSELF for your whole life... I get that. But don't lay that at her feet!
That is not to say that your struggle is not real, or not valid. I know some here just want to say your wife is a bitch for not sympathizing 100%, but that would be a gross failure in human understanding. I'm not sure that attitude isn't outright misogyny.
So, you've found yourself in a situation that, while it may not be completely and entirely of your own making, you've still put yourself in because of your guilt, shame, whatever issues led to you hide part of yourself from your spouse. Regardless of the solution, you need to start with understanding your responsibility here.
I'm not going to tell you one way or the other about splitting. I don't know what could happen. If your relationship is toxic and hurtful to your children, then it needs to be ended. Or, if things can be worked out, work them out. Put the kids first, obviously... you made them, you're responsible to society for raising them. They should not have to suffer for your bad decision making.
There are many different ways to find joy in life.
If I could tell all young other-gendered folks one thing, it would be, be honest. I have always disclosed my stuff right up front... which has *never* chased off a prospective lover.
(With wives, it's not the gender issues... 99% of the time, it's the lying, the hiding, the betrayal, the sudden complete change of personality of the person she *thought* she knew. No matter how awful the wife, she's perfectly within her right to be angry, at least at first.)
And... just to throw this out there... I sense some unresolved childhood issues of your own. Work on those first. My suggestion (keep in mind free advice is always worth what you pay for it!) would be to go on with whatever supplements keep you calm; learn a new coping mechanism (such as meditation, smoking cannabis, jogging, building model airplanes -- whatever works for you); and continue counseling for a time -- with a humble approach. It's not her fault; remember that.
Unless she actually is a crazy person (narcissistic, borderline, etc)... then calmly disregard my post, and run like hell.
Realistically, there's no good easy path here... and try to remember that thing about other sides and greener grass.