15-03-2016, 09:01 PM
Continuing....
New thoughts, so this keeps it separate.
Your meds arrive today or tomorrow, you KEEP THEM AND USE THEM AS NEEDED.
This is for YOU right now. Don't muck it up.
This is to honor who you are, and for your personal growth. You're laying the foundation of your life here. Can't NOT do that - otherwise you'll always be unstable. House built on sand, right?
Odd bit about your parents; mine did the same thing. My father moved upstairs in the new house, and he essentially never came down. Not sure why. He slept in the Guest bedroom, had his office / smoking room, and didn't even want my mother to come upstairs to clean.
This parallels something else I've read though, that men and women don't really belong together like we are now. There's no male space. When a woman comes into a male space, it changes dramatically. Like the test mentioned before, men change their behavior automatically.
Yet women get their own special spaces, still....
I wonder if my father would've had fewer issues if he could've found a group of guys to hang out with. But he always wanted to be the lecturer, the teacher, worshiped for his wisdom and knowledge.... Doesn't work that way.
I wonder though if the constant interaction with the opposite sex gets to us. Think it through: Women get ego gratification and attention in a mixed group; they get similar in the same-sex group. But men get some adulation and camaraderie in an all-male group. Not in a mixed group.... They end up competing. And with women in the workforce, and in the government, and in the universities, and in the ... - well, men never get out of mixed-sex environments. So some essentials of manliness are lost. And women gain, too.
Back to topic, I understand the issues, and I think perhaps some alone time is necessary. Just take some time while she's out and meditate. Or even do a hypnosis on Youtube, or something. You first need to calm down, and get back to the "man" aspect of being logical. Don't run on emotion, it'll make you stupid things. (Purging is a sort of example, but I was thinking far more stupid and destructive. Speeding into a wall, for example.)
You need to relax and release some stress.
Then, you need to play the integration game. Integrate certain things back into your daily life, in a planned transition. Think of it as transitioning socially. You're putting out your MLP things for display, because that's part of who you are. For example. And she doesn't object, from what you've said. Make it a curio display - very feminine! ;-)
And from there, you start to control YOUR emotions, and you still have a locus and monument to who and what you are. If not MLP, find some other anchor. For me, for years, it was weapons and music. Think a Bard/Warrior multi-class D&D character. Best I can manage, though I'm not a musician. I just loved to hear and feel it. then, the blades become a dance. For me, all of that is missing now. So in a sense, I understand exactly where you are: I've got ALL of me hidden. My music, my blades (she thinks they should be hanging on the wall. Display only.) My feminine aspects cannot come out, either.
So now - I resent HER. I've been taking care of her needs (which she neither sees nor acknowledges) at great cost to me (literally, family, friends, injuries, and bankruptcy and repossession and foreclosure, and then buying new cars, and most recently, setting up health insurance so she had coverage for a heart surgery. Not major, an arrhythmia they fixed with arthroscopic cauterization.) All of this eats into my income. It's at least a $10,000 debt right now. Plus the $6,000 we already had from her medical issues LAST time.
Which loops me back to the first reply; you might want to read it if you skipped ahead.
Be an asshole. Be a MAN. Be her "dream" man who just doesn't give a F@(#. Don't let her control you, or you'll just get more drama, and be taken advantage of.
I know it's painful. I suggest it for only a few necessary moments now and again, not for all time like i've had to do. But keep you and her under control this way. Don't engage, and there's no drama dance.
But don't change who you are at your core, either.
Please note: This is also why men have their "man caves." And you probably know, you're not the only (wo)man that has a collection of MLP. ;-) So it can be your Man-Cave or Fairy Princess Castle, and you'll be better off mentally either way.
Be strong for a bit. These things pass. Purging always leads back to a binge. This makes things LESS stable - think of a bicycle, you can wiggle the wheel a bit - and it makes riding fun. But if you keep adding more wiggle, you wreck, right?
So don't let the wiggle control things, take control*, and steer four female self out into the light - however far that is.
*: Again - she's testing you. Difference is, SHE KNOWS you're not strong enough to resist - BECAUSE you're feminine inside. And SHE is YOU. Can't win against yourself, so you have to control her.... ;-)
-Dianna
New thoughts, so this keeps it separate.
Your meds arrive today or tomorrow, you KEEP THEM AND USE THEM AS NEEDED.
This is for YOU right now. Don't muck it up.
This is to honor who you are, and for your personal growth. You're laying the foundation of your life here. Can't NOT do that - otherwise you'll always be unstable. House built on sand, right?
Odd bit about your parents; mine did the same thing. My father moved upstairs in the new house, and he essentially never came down. Not sure why. He slept in the Guest bedroom, had his office / smoking room, and didn't even want my mother to come upstairs to clean.
This parallels something else I've read though, that men and women don't really belong together like we are now. There's no male space. When a woman comes into a male space, it changes dramatically. Like the test mentioned before, men change their behavior automatically.
Yet women get their own special spaces, still....
I wonder if my father would've had fewer issues if he could've found a group of guys to hang out with. But he always wanted to be the lecturer, the teacher, worshiped for his wisdom and knowledge.... Doesn't work that way.
I wonder though if the constant interaction with the opposite sex gets to us. Think it through: Women get ego gratification and attention in a mixed group; they get similar in the same-sex group. But men get some adulation and camaraderie in an all-male group. Not in a mixed group.... They end up competing. And with women in the workforce, and in the government, and in the universities, and in the ... - well, men never get out of mixed-sex environments. So some essentials of manliness are lost. And women gain, too.
Back to topic, I understand the issues, and I think perhaps some alone time is necessary. Just take some time while she's out and meditate. Or even do a hypnosis on Youtube, or something. You first need to calm down, and get back to the "man" aspect of being logical. Don't run on emotion, it'll make you stupid things. (Purging is a sort of example, but I was thinking far more stupid and destructive. Speeding into a wall, for example.)
You need to relax and release some stress.
Then, you need to play the integration game. Integrate certain things back into your daily life, in a planned transition. Think of it as transitioning socially. You're putting out your MLP things for display, because that's part of who you are. For example. And she doesn't object, from what you've said. Make it a curio display - very feminine! ;-)
And from there, you start to control YOUR emotions, and you still have a locus and monument to who and what you are. If not MLP, find some other anchor. For me, for years, it was weapons and music. Think a Bard/Warrior multi-class D&D character. Best I can manage, though I'm not a musician. I just loved to hear and feel it. then, the blades become a dance. For me, all of that is missing now. So in a sense, I understand exactly where you are: I've got ALL of me hidden. My music, my blades (she thinks they should be hanging on the wall. Display only.) My feminine aspects cannot come out, either.
So now - I resent HER. I've been taking care of her needs (which she neither sees nor acknowledges) at great cost to me (literally, family, friends, injuries, and bankruptcy and repossession and foreclosure, and then buying new cars, and most recently, setting up health insurance so she had coverage for a heart surgery. Not major, an arrhythmia they fixed with arthroscopic cauterization.) All of this eats into my income. It's at least a $10,000 debt right now. Plus the $6,000 we already had from her medical issues LAST time.
Which loops me back to the first reply; you might want to read it if you skipped ahead.
Be an asshole. Be a MAN. Be her "dream" man who just doesn't give a F@(#. Don't let her control you, or you'll just get more drama, and be taken advantage of.
I know it's painful. I suggest it for only a few necessary moments now and again, not for all time like i've had to do. But keep you and her under control this way. Don't engage, and there's no drama dance.
But don't change who you are at your core, either.
Please note: This is also why men have their "man caves." And you probably know, you're not the only (wo)man that has a collection of MLP. ;-) So it can be your Man-Cave or Fairy Princess Castle, and you'll be better off mentally either way.
Be strong for a bit. These things pass. Purging always leads back to a binge. This makes things LESS stable - think of a bicycle, you can wiggle the wheel a bit - and it makes riding fun. But if you keep adding more wiggle, you wreck, right?
So don't let the wiggle control things, take control*, and steer four female self out into the light - however far that is.
*: Again - she's testing you. Difference is, SHE KNOWS you're not strong enough to resist - BECAUSE you're feminine inside. And SHE is YOU. Can't win against yourself, so you have to control her.... ;-)
-Dianna