[tanysquirrel]

Tanya,

"Oh Girlfriend" if you will allow me to say ...

The big D is so real. In my experience it is driven by several factors. The easiest excuse to use for depression in us Trans ladies is the lack of T will drive depression in us, which it does. While the "Lack of T" excuse is very true, I also find that my past life drives it as well. For one, I believe I am in in upper end of the timeline for being trans at 53. Couple this with a past life which includes kids, a very aggressive military past where I served as an Infantry Officer and was heavily involved in the Spec Ops community for over 5-years, the resulting scars upon my body from combat - both the seen and unseen, a robust and successful professional career, the desire to be seen as the person I feel like, and the realization that my mental self most likely won't ever line up with my physical self --- Hello Depression.

I kept engaging myself in the most masculine of all masculine activities to shield and hide the real me. Now all I wish for is to be the person who I so desperately want to be, and get depressed at how I lived a life of ignoring and self-insulting the real me. I can find a little solstice in the fact that "in the early years" there was a considerable lack of credible science to support transitioning. Though my transition has just begun and I can keep it covered up by my male clothes in public for now, as my breast are developing and there is coming a time when I will have to look this demon in the eye. Until then, for me, it seems this is the rollercoaster I am on. I am both looking forward to whipping this demon's ass as I run from it at the same time like a scared little girl.

Ugh!!

Just my thoughts ...

Marcie

Marcie dear,

Thank you for sharing (truly). It is , sometimes, a very difficult subject to broach, but when it is done, open the floodgates..

I could go into my own past , and its cause and effects for why I am who I am or why I feel as I do, however, for me, it is irrelevant. However, I do appreciate you sharing yours. It takes courage and strength ( neither incidentally are truly and soley masculine traits, so please do not take it as an insult), to share one's experiences in a public forum. I am sure, your insight and thoughts will be read by others who can relate, as I can to some of what you have stated, Though I may not have been "IN" the military, I have grown up in a military family, though its not the same, the structure may be similar.

*hugs* you will be in my thoughts and prayers. know that you are not alone