21-10-2016, 07:19 PM
I live almost 24/7 as Katie now and have done for several months barring about 4 hours on a Monday when I have to go shopping, but even them I`m more femme than boy (more like a butch lesbian I guess?).
it`s gotten to the point now that living as myself feels perfectly Normal and even quite ordinary (I love Ordinary days!), I don`t feel at all Male even in the slightest sense and it`s rare now to even get Dysphoria except for certain bits below.
Wait... did I say it`s Rare to get dysphoric?
well, what I meant was it was rare until this week, Untill I had to go out to a parent teacher thing and present as Male without equivocation for my Sons sake.
Well that almost destroyed me!
when I got back home I was shaking and just wanted to hide, after that had passed I had Soooo much Anger inside me I wanted to smash anything and everything around me (I didn`t of course, as its not my nature, but I sure felt like it!).
but the next day (yesterday) was al back to normal again, with my wife promissing me that I would Never have to go back to being locked away again, I can Stay as Katie forever!
Today some friends came down from Scotland with their 2 lads, both the same ages as my 2 kids, they wanted to take them out to the cinema.
Only I was left hiding upstairs in the bedroom, whilst all the long-time-no-see greetings and laughter was taking place downstairs.
I couldn`t go down as myself because of the children, I couldn`t get dressed as him because of the dysphoria, so I sat hiding upstairs in tears.
when they eventually came back, it was the same situation all over again except that after they had left a stray cat that we look after came into the house and ran upstairs, my wife downstairs was calling it to come down whisly waving goodbye to them in the car, then she called me to "scare the cat back downstairs", so I came out of the room and t ran downstairs anyway.
then it hit me Really hard, these kids that I used to fix bicycles for and their parents that could go to work as a result of us looking after those same kids would Totally forget all that and see me as a Freak! a Freak fit enough only to come out of their room if it`s to scare small animals away, an animal that I`d been looking after too!
I just broke
sorry I just had to post this as I`v no one else to tell.
it`s gotten to the point now that living as myself feels perfectly Normal and even quite ordinary (I love Ordinary days!), I don`t feel at all Male even in the slightest sense and it`s rare now to even get Dysphoria except for certain bits below.
Wait... did I say it`s Rare to get dysphoric?
well, what I meant was it was rare until this week, Untill I had to go out to a parent teacher thing and present as Male without equivocation for my Sons sake.
Well that almost destroyed me!
when I got back home I was shaking and just wanted to hide, after that had passed I had Soooo much Anger inside me I wanted to smash anything and everything around me (I didn`t of course, as its not my nature, but I sure felt like it!).
but the next day (yesterday) was al back to normal again, with my wife promissing me that I would Never have to go back to being locked away again, I can Stay as Katie forever!
Today some friends came down from Scotland with their 2 lads, both the same ages as my 2 kids, they wanted to take them out to the cinema.
Only I was left hiding upstairs in the bedroom, whilst all the long-time-no-see greetings and laughter was taking place downstairs.
I couldn`t go down as myself because of the children, I couldn`t get dressed as him because of the dysphoria, so I sat hiding upstairs in tears.
when they eventually came back, it was the same situation all over again except that after they had left a stray cat that we look after came into the house and ran upstairs, my wife downstairs was calling it to come down whisly waving goodbye to them in the car, then she called me to "scare the cat back downstairs", so I came out of the room and t ran downstairs anyway.
then it hit me Really hard, these kids that I used to fix bicycles for and their parents that could go to work as a result of us looking after those same kids would Totally forget all that and see me as a Freak! a Freak fit enough only to come out of their room if it`s to scare small animals away, an animal that I`d been looking after too!
I just broke
sorry I just had to post this as I`v no one else to tell.