[Myranda]

Firstly Welcome!

There`s no need to me worried or scared about taking hormones, anything up to 3 months of taking them is reversible when you stop taking them.
the Next thing is this is about YOU and finding out who You really are, and you can`t really do that if only part of your brain is working, If you have a load of Estrogen receptors in your brain, they will respond to the hormone and activate (you`ll be firing on all cylinders) and from That point you can better see who you really are inside.
your WTF am I doing moments are likely because the tiny bit of estrogen you got from the other stuff lowered your dysphoria just enough to take away the reason you took them in the first place which was the disphoria (it`s a strange catch 22 thing).
take this time to explore your feelings, needs, desires etc... it`s all about being YOU, your Real self! not about others or their expectations of you.
you have to follow your heart with ths one, and if you don`t feel you really have much of one at the moment, You will later!

I`m sorry to hear about the situation with your wife, but at this point you need to focus just as much on yourself as anything else, and don`t mix the 2 issues if you can possibly avoid it.

take care sweetie xXx

Thanks Katie.  A large part of me knows and understands that I should not be scared about starting hormones.  But a small part of me is still scared, not because of any changes that may occur, but because of the unknown that it will bring, I still don't know if I do in fact suffer from dysphoria, I think I do some extent, but enough to "up end" the life I have lead up to this point?  But on the other hand, I am positively excited to being able to understand who I am and live the life I am supposed to be living. 

I have a gut feeling that you may be right about lowering my dysphoria just enough to make me question things.  I feel that is why starting HRT may be the right thing to do at this point, get my brain the things it needs be functioning properly and see what my mental state is once the chemistry is right.  I think that will help me answer my questions.  Barring any bad side effects I hope to go at least 6 months before I make any decisions one way or the other.

I had started T-replacement over the summer for about 3 months which ended around the time I came out to my wife and I didn't notice any real changes, and  it definitely wasn't a long enough time to be able to notice any changes and point at the T-replacement as the reason for those changes.

I've been feeling much much better and comfortable about my decision to start this path as the day has gone on.

The hard part is trying not to confuse my Gender identity issues with my feeling regarding my wife and our marriage.